Another day, another chance at life

It is Saturday morning and all is well.  I have been here on Daily Strength reading and responding to posts.  I am in awe.  I am in awe over the strength and courage I see here.   I am also saddened by the abuse that is still happening in my world.  So many times I have questioned why????? Why? Why? What is it about women and men.  Why do abusers have this need to control, to manipulate, to instill fear in those they are supposed to love.  I wonder if I will ever get the answers I have been searching for. How do parents, siblings, uncles, aunts, pastors, counselors, priests, how do they live with themselves.   I could not even fathom that I could be capble of hurting another human being.  I could not live with myself.  Interesting that at one time I did think about taking my own life.  Now when I think of those days, I see just how powerful abuse had taken hold of my life.  The absurdidty of it all.  I am a little child, I have been touched by my foster father at the tender age of 4.  I have been raped by the neighbor across the street at the age of 9 or maybe older and I alone carry all that shame and guilt?   I have observed children the age I was abused and I just cannot understand in my head how someone could do something so horrific to a child.   It is a sickness.  It is all about their needs, their lust, their told lack of being responsible for their desires.  And some perps called it love??? Love is not about hurting an innocent child.  Who are these perps kidding?  Themselves of course!!!!!!!!!!  And then their is the denial that they truly caused any harm.  I read these posts and know full well the harm done to survivors.  The lack of trust, their blaming themselves for the total lack of regard these abusers have for a child, or for that matter an adult who has been raped.  The excuse that they might have been abused in their childhoods just does not cut it for me.  I was abused and I am not going around abusing others.  I on the other hand always was for the underdog.  The person that no one else cared about, the person that others would put down.  That was the person I would be drawn to, because I know on a very deep level what that feels like in my heart and soul.  I  was that child that others would make fun of.  I was that child who never knew what it felt like to be loved.  I was that child who tried and tried to be loved by those around me.  I was that caretaker that took care of others, but at whose's expense.  MineI thought if only I was prettier, smarter, had nice clothes, I  would have been loved.  But, no that did not happen.  So I grow up feeling unlovable, unwanted, not cared for.  No wonder I did not know how to take care of me.  I was never taught how to love myself.  I was taught that it was others that were more important.  Especially men.    Each and every encounter with another man, just reinforced my self hatred.    Each and ever man I was with reinforced my loathing and also a tremendous amount of shame.    I was in fact repeating the abuse over and over again.  I did not know what I know now.  All of my self worth was tied into what I could do for another man.   And not only another man, woman as well.  If I was just nice enough, forgiving enough, bend over backwards to be loved enough then I would find what I was looking for, acceptance.  That acceptance never came.  Only when I went into therapy, when I started to read books on sexual abuse, on dysfunctional families and the hold they have on their children, did I finally understand why I hated myself.  I was not the person to hate!!!!!!!!!!  It was their belief, their lies to me that caused me to hate myself.  I would never ever be good enough to those that abused me.  I would never in their eyes be enough to be cared for as I deserved to be cared for.  I JUST WAS NOT ENOUGH.  So I spent a big part of my life trying to be enough to others.  Of course there came a time that that mindset was not working.  No matter how hard I tried, and I am thinking of my mother in law, no matter how hard I tried, I would not be enough.  I then started to look at the whole picture.  I realized that yes, I was and am a caring person. I started to question why I was still being treated unfairly, unjustly,  and then one day the light went off in my head.  I analized and thought, how can you be nice and still be treated with disrepsect.  HMMMMM  So I started to stand up for myself.  Yes, my palms would get sweaty, I would have a lot of fear confronting those who hurt me, but I did it!!!!!!!!!!!  I stood up for Little Jeanette and started to speak my truth.  Never once have I in doing so hurt or demeaned the person or persons doing the hurting.  I just stated my truth.  I used I statements.  I will not accept this kind of treatment since I do not deserve it.  I will not hang around to be demeaned and put down.  I guess it was then that the anger surfaced.  How dare someone treat me like this!!!!!!!!!!!! That was the start of my assertiveness, my taking care of me.  Now each and every time I am confronted with an abuser, be it verbal or otherwise, I will stand my ground.  I will protect that wounded part of me.  I will not turn away from a confrontation especially if I am the one who is being trampled on.  What I have realized is that I cannot change another person.  But I can change me.  Because I am now assertive, people know, my mother in law knows, my husband knows, my friends know, that I am not one to just "take it".  People can say I am sensitive, I really don't care. I am sensitive to abuse, why would I not be!!!!!!!!!! Look at my life and say I am sensitive.  I have every right to my feelings, and I am grateful I am sensitive.  That sensitivity I feel is all about the pain of my childhood.  So I state my need, be it at work or at home, or with friends.  No longer do I need to explain my sensitivity.  I feel the compassion I have for me today allows me to let those kinds of comments, "Jeanette is too sensitive" just roll over my back.  Anyone with my circumstances would be that way.  Again, I would not change a thing in my life at this point.  I have a sense of balance in my life .  I have a sense of purpose in my life, something I never had.  It has taken me 20 or so years to get to this point.  And it has taken many years of tears, feeling rage, feeling anger, feeling sadness and grieving all of those things to come to this place.  I am still greiving.  I am greiving a lost life up til now.  A life that might have been different had I not been abused.  But I cannot change the past, all I can change and have the willingness to change is my perception of myself, my belief that I am nothing, not worthy.  Still working on that piece, but since I am a determined person to heal, I will face all of it and come out on the other side a whole person.