Another day,and I am aware of me

Good morning journal,the time is 9:14am,and I am awake.My body this morning is stiff with pain,and it is an effort to breathe normally,my joints and muscles ache as if I have done a full day's labor,when in truth,I have done little or nothing productive for months.My mind is in an uneasy state of co-operation,barely manageable under my control;and with random thoughts and whispers that are not my own.My movements and responses to conversation,even those in my head,are carried out with an exaggerated slowness that enables me to remain"in the driving seat",so to speak.I find it very difficult to think of my mind as being a part of me lately,it is a strange and somewhat surreal sensation;but nevertheless,it is a situation that I am having to face on a daily basis of late.If I am to remain in full control of my thoughts,I find it easier to remain at a distance from them as much as possible,or try to,as I find that if I think"as me";I become drawn in and entangled,and that's when I tend to become erratic and lose control,and the whispers begin to direct my thoughts,movements and behavior.I have had some success in the last few days,managing to maintain some form of stability in my waking hours,but it is hugely tiring for me,and drains me physically,with the end result being that I have to sleep more in a form of escapism,not ideal, but necessary to aid some measure of recovery.
     I find it enormously difficult to concentrate,at times having to grit my teeth to simply focus on any one task or direction of thought,most often  becoming confused,and losing the capability to complete whatever I may have been engaged in at the time.It is becoming increasingly difficult to make even simple decisions of little or no importance,leaving me feeling uncertain,hesitant and fearful of my own mental limitations and capabilities.I am aware of me,but I seem to be a totally separate entity from my mind at times,appearing almost to be on the outside looking in,and unfamiliar with the workings and intricate processes that determine my thoughts and actions on a day to day basis.It is infuriating and baffling to find oneself asking,"why did I do that?",or "what did I come in this room for?";only to find that I cannot answer my own questions;and it is at these times that I fear I am slowly,but surely,losing my mind.On the plus side?,I have managed to maintain some measure of control over the past few days,but it is becoming harder,and ever more tiring,leaving me with headaches and aching muscles,such is the scale of effort I have to exhort to succeed.This morning,I feel okay,signified by my"little yellow fellow" on the mood chart,hopefully today will be another day when control remains with me;till tomorrow journal,peace be with us.