Another day,and Caesar is still lovestruck
Good afternoon journal,the time is now 12:03pm and I have been awake since 10:35am,having slept for almost eleven hours continually without a waking period.As of this juncture,Caesar remains resolute in his determination to woo Bree,despite our wishes and efforts to the contrary,but so far,all of his efforts have been thwarted by our vigilance and Bree's waning passion.You have to admire his refusal to admit defeat,if it had been me engaging in the romantic courtship of a female,I'd have taken the hint and quit chasing her long ago,but then again that's me,and with my past record in relationships,that particular observation comes as no great surprise if I'm brutally honest.On to other news then,yesterday morning,I saw my doctor,a very likeable young man by the name of Mike Butler,I say young because everybody for some unknown reason seems young to me these days,he asked me how I was doing and I told him honestly that I wasn't coping too well.He listened,as he always does,then he asked if there was anything more he could do to help,I admitted,with some shame on my part,that I was having difficulty providing the simple things that my family needed to survive,food being the most basic necessity that I was having a hard time coming up with.I mentioned that the citizens advice bureau had refused to provide a letter of referral to the various food banks available in our area because I was receiving seventy one pounds a week,but had given me a list of soup kitchens which,thus far,we had successfully avoided using.He then said without hesitation that he would provide me with a letter for the food banks himself;he then dictated a letter for one of the practice receptionists to type,and told me to telephone the surgery on Friday when it would be ready to pick up.This morning,my wife Peyton received a call from the surgery telling her that I could pick it up whenever I was ready,so this afternoon,I will go and collect it,thank you very much doctor Butler.It is a somewhat sobering thought for me that once I have the letter,I then will actually physically have to enter one of these food provision outlets and beg for a hand out,and I fully admit that my pride,and my estimation of myself as a man,has taken a beating,when a man cannot provide his family with even the most basic of needs for sustaining and maintaining life,then in my eyes,he ceases to be a man and becomes useless,and when a man becomes useless,then he is no longer valuable,nor an asset,as the head of his household.I will however go to the aforementioned food banks,simply because I have no choice,and much as it shames and humiliates me,I will take whatever help is on offer;if I was on my own,all of the hounds of hell couldn't drag me there,but I have a wife whom I adore with every fiber of my being,and if I can no longer put food on our table,then I must look to,and be grateful for,any organization who can.I still find it monumentally difficult to accept that I cannot work,I guess the reason is that I always have worked,and my current illness/illnesses leave me despising myself because of what I perceive is weakness on my part.I know every logical explanation says that it isn't my fault,but,as I've said before,I am old school,my generation of men were hunter gatherers,providers,and now,for the first time ever,I am unable to fulfill my obligations as a husband,father or grandfather,and it leaves me feeling impotent and helpless,a caveman I may be,but I have always been a proud one;today,that pride is gone,to be replaced by feelings of desolation and despair,and the longest walk is never far from the forefront of my mind.It may be a permanent solution to a temporary problem,but how long does temporary have to last before the final step to a permanent solution seems both a welcome,if desperate,way out?. Right now,my spirits are the lowest they have been for some time,so I will leave it there for now journal,until next time my friend,may the clouds of doubt which hang over this land of uncertainty we find ourselves in lift a little and allow us to glimpse a fleeting moment of blue sky,and grant us the hope,and the help,we so desperately need.Oh,just before I leave,this time next week,I will have new spectacles,paid for by our wonderful national health program,so at least I will be able to see more clearly what a sorry excuse for a man I have become,peace be with us.
Replies
Scott, I apologize for not being here for you, I too have some issues of my own that I have been dealing with. I know it is hard to swallow sometimes but pride is indeed a hard pill. But having said that, I feel you must look at this getting this letter and gaining access to the food bank is a victory on your part. By getting the letter you have in fact found a way to provide for your family, your strength of character has driven you to do what is necessary. The reality is you haven\'t lost respect you have gained pride. You also need to remember that the folks at the food bank don\'t look down on you. Some maybe many of them have been down the road your on. Inside they are wishing you well and continued strength. Hang in there my friend and be well. Bill
Scott, I haven\'t commented in several days because I went through a 2 day ordeal of a colonoscopy, which left me weak and dehydrated. I haven\'t even been on this website since this past Monday, so my apologies if you thought I had deserted you. That couldn\'t be further from the truth.
I totally agree with Bill\'s comments. I believe it takes a much bigger man to lay aside his \"caveman\" instincts and accept help to take care of his family when it\'s needed. You haven\'t lost even one tiny drop of my admiration. If anything, I admire you even more for stepping up to the plate to do what needed to be done. I, too, had to swallow my pride once and accept food stamps for about a year when I got laid off from a job. My pride was a little hurt, but thank God that He gave me a big enough throat to swallow that pride to be able to provide for my child. That was 15 years ago, but I still remember how hard it was to walk in that door and ask for food. Now, I look back at it as a blessing. I thank God that He laid it on the hearts of good people to bless me when I was down and almost out. I\'ll never forget the Bible verse that says, \"I was young, now I am old; yet never have I seen the righteous forsaken nor his seed begging bread\". Our \"wordly\" man wants to sometimes fight God\'s blessings, but we need to realize it for what it is....a blessing. You\'re absolutely doing the right thing, and I\'m proud of you!
Much love and hugs to you and your fabulous wife. My prayers are with you always.