Another crappy day without Moo
I don't know why but I always thought Monty's colour was purple. Even though I'd always buy him blue collars, probably cause there were never any nice purple ones.
I'm already talking about him like he's gone forever. The only thing holding me together are my anti-anxiety meds. They hold the pain at bay. Otherwise I'd be overwhelmed and I know I'd end up doing something stupid, something irreversible.
This way sure I wake up sick every morning. I feel unhealthy as soon as I wake up like I'm recovering from a bad flu. But it's worth it. The benzos keep my sanity in check.
It's raining tonight. It brings back so many memories. Monty meowing to come in to get away from being wet. Every time I exit this room I pause for a moment or two. I look around and I have this deepest hope that I'll hear him. But all I hear is silence and it tears my heart in two.
I have so much guilt. Because I didn't do enough, and the things I did do was too little too late.
I can't go on like this. Every day I feel like an empty vessel just doing the rounds. I want so bad to be away from here. To be institutionalized. We have really bad snakes here, very venomous. If one appeared I'd antagonise it till it bit me just so I could be hospitalised for a few days. This place is just too much. There's too many memories, too much empty hope. Too much frustration, anger, guilt...
I'm tired of losing the ones I love. In the last year I've lost things that have stirred my depression up. First was Oscar, then my car in the floods which I'm suffering PTSD because I was in the car at the time, then Odie two days before my birthday and now Monty. All these things I had a special bond with. Even my car meant a lot to me, even if it wasn't much. I gave her a name and I loved her. I personalised her. As for Monty sure he was surly and used to spray but he meant so much to me. I can't cope with all this loss. It's all too much.
Well finally my two diazepam are starting to kick in. I took 3 like, 5 hours ago but I still couldn't sleep. I think now that I've written my thoughts down no matter how fragmented they may be it's easier. I hope you're all in a better place than I am. I finally have my appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow and I'm going to ask for something stronger than the valium. I'm supposed to have a social day tomorrow but it's the last thing I feel like... Still I'll go cause it's easier than turning people down. Night all.
I'm already talking about him like he's gone forever. The only thing holding me together are my anti-anxiety meds. They hold the pain at bay. Otherwise I'd be overwhelmed and I know I'd end up doing something stupid, something irreversible.
This way sure I wake up sick every morning. I feel unhealthy as soon as I wake up like I'm recovering from a bad flu. But it's worth it. The benzos keep my sanity in check.
It's raining tonight. It brings back so many memories. Monty meowing to come in to get away from being wet. Every time I exit this room I pause for a moment or two. I look around and I have this deepest hope that I'll hear him. But all I hear is silence and it tears my heart in two.
I have so much guilt. Because I didn't do enough, and the things I did do was too little too late.
I can't go on like this. Every day I feel like an empty vessel just doing the rounds. I want so bad to be away from here. To be institutionalized. We have really bad snakes here, very venomous. If one appeared I'd antagonise it till it bit me just so I could be hospitalised for a few days. This place is just too much. There's too many memories, too much empty hope. Too much frustration, anger, guilt...
I'm tired of losing the ones I love. In the last year I've lost things that have stirred my depression up. First was Oscar, then my car in the floods which I'm suffering PTSD because I was in the car at the time, then Odie two days before my birthday and now Monty. All these things I had a special bond with. Even my car meant a lot to me, even if it wasn't much. I gave her a name and I loved her. I personalised her. As for Monty sure he was surly and used to spray but he meant so much to me. I can't cope with all this loss. It's all too much.
Well finally my two diazepam are starting to kick in. I took 3 like, 5 hours ago but I still couldn't sleep. I think now that I've written my thoughts down no matter how fragmented they may be it's easier. I hope you're all in a better place than I am. I finally have my appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow and I'm going to ask for something stronger than the valium. I'm supposed to have a social day tomorrow but it's the last thing I feel like... Still I'll go cause it's easier than turning people down. Night all.
Replies
Hugs to you; I know how hard it is to lose a pet; I went through that 3 years ago and again earlier this year; you still hear them, you still feel them near you. I know it\'s not easy to do this but try to think of this way, that Monty is now no longer in pain and is waiting for you years from now when your time comes. That\'s how I think of it with mine; I think they\'ll be there waiting for me when the time comes to join them in a happy existence. Big hugs.