Another Bump In The Road

Yesterday as I was going through more stuff--- I would come across more of Dave's things. In our bedroom remembering how it had become his haven, his domain.  He would spend most of his time in there-- tv on (or stereo) while he played on the laptop... taking the occasional break to go and smoke up the master bath.  It brought me back to feeling he had left most everything up to me, but he was still physically here.  

I listened in on part of a town hall and was taking it all in-- including the reality that this will continue on for months and at least one more of isolation and separation. Then it hit me and hit me hard.  How I was left here ALL ALONE to deal with this and every little thing on my very own. NO one to turn to or rely on (not that I really could him even when he was here)I know he had no control  over it-- but feeling he had just left me behind. This was the feeling I dreaded most--- all of my life-- being left behind all alone and forgotten. 

It is funny now as I type this-- I realize something. Even though one of my fears has come to light and is staring me in the face-- I am still here- still standing-- and I am doing what I need to and can to go on and work through it.

I did have my moments-- reverting back to past habits here and there .  And as usual, I did beat myself up every little slip I did make. I hear Mary's words to me-- be gentle with yourself- and I will take them to heart. See what I did and why-- but realize something better has come out of this. I am truly taking advantage of this week to step back and work on myself and things I need to do.  

I have survived another of those bumps in the road.... and that roller coaster levels out again.