Another Breakdown

Today I stopped at the commissary to get some groceries. I got to the produce section and picked up a lemon...and out of no where I could hear my Jarrett's voice "Mommy can we buy some lemons to make lemonade?"  He never failed to ask me for lemons when we went to buy groceries...I felt a breakdown coming on right there and then...I headed straight for the self checkout  (even though I hadn't finished shopping) paid for my stuff and headed off the base as fast as I could..I couldn't control the sobbing by then..So I pulled over at a nearby friends house but there was no one there..Jarrett's school was just half a block away so I parked in the parking lot..ran out of my car to My old waiting spot and wept until I was done and In control enough to drive the rest of the way back to the apartment. This is so hard!!! Most days I just want to give up, I cant stand living without my baby boy....Then I look at Jonny and the reality sets in that I'm still needed here...I hate this whole situation...

Replies

Missinglisa
Missinglisa

You most definitely are needed!
It is those little reminders that are so difficult. It rips your guts out. They do get fewer and further between. I can walk past Kernels without bursting out crying. Pickle Panic was her favorite flavor of popcorn. We would sit and eat it until our mouths were raw. I haven\'t been to Kernels since but I can pass it.
I am glad you cried until you were done. It is so important to let the feelings out.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
ter1
ter1

You are hurting so bad. I can only imagine how awful it must be to have Jarrett gone. Jarrett had his life still ahead of him and it was taken from him by a senseless accident. Keep thinking of Jonny, like you say you are doing, he is your reason for living now. You need to keep going one minute at a time for Jonny\'s sake. I pray God gives you peace in your heart. Terry
Livingjuicy
Livingjuicy

Gentle care to your aching and grieving heart. It just hurts so much... I\'m thinking of you and so sorry. Asking for a pocket of peace... even just a tiny one along the way to give you some respite in the hardest work of a lifetime. Hoping Jonny can give you an extra tight hug. I\'m with you. XO Joanie
deleted_user
deleted_user

I\'ve run out of supermarkets many times. I\'m just getting to the point where I can pass the raspberries, April\'s favorite, without becoming a raving maniac. TIME, my friend; give yourself TIME. You won\'t lose the heartache, it\'s there for the rest of my life and for the rest of your life. But you will be able to do \"normal\" things without screaming/crying/running. I used to drive yelling at the top of my voice, hysterical. That doesn\'t happen any more. The grief doesn\'t leave, it starts to change. It becomes a burden you can carry, I\'m still getting there but I see it coming. Yes I can live with this. No I will never be my old \"self\", no I will never be \"happy\" again, no I will never love anyone, nor will anyone love me, as much as my daughter and I loved one another. But there is one who does love me, and He has been at my side and opening doors and protecting and loving me. I know your pain, I am intimate with it. As Joanie said, \"I\'m with you. XO\"
NoraMc
NoraMc

I hate grocery shopping, it\'s so hard, my Morgan was in scho;; to be a pastry chef... I often cry in the store..now I don\'t care i just let the tears run and if anyone sees me,,,,well they do. I am so sorry about your son,,,peace to your heart.Nora
biowoman
biowoman

Yes, it is hard...so very hard. I can remember crying all the way through the grocery store...and I even left my buggy in the aisle and left to cry in my car...never to finish shopping. Right now you see him everywhere, you hear him all the time...you expect to see him watching tv or turning a corner. One day you will not expect to see him and it gets easier...you will begin to focus on what the others in your family need from the store. I know that sounds unbelievable...but that is how you will survive. Gentle hugs...Karen
heartsandhands
heartsandhands

So sorry about your pain and the little sweetie you so long to hold. I don\'t know how we get through that first awful stretch except one hurting minute at a time... it hurts so much. My son loved going to Goodwill. : ( It hurts so much to be in places where HE SHOULD BE, to look at things he loved and can\'t see now. I am sending so much caring, so much understanding. A soft pillowy hug. Hoping you find someone in your life who gives you time and space for this immense grief.
xoxoxo Sarah