Another Bad Reaction and Job Quandry

I wrote a post about the Avonex reaction, but only one response so far--still pretty earily yet, though. Once again, a horrid reaction from Avonex. Another horrid, horrid headache. Took the full Zomig and got rid of headache, but awful effects from the Zomig. So I put up the the effects of the Avonex or the Zomig. I guess getting rid of the pain is the better option. Ibuprofen doesn't even touch the headache. It's like a vicegrip around the center of the top of my head and it goes into my forehead as well. I don't think even the spinal headache was this bad. Anyway, now it's gone and I slept a lot of the day. I was depressed after taking the Zomig which totally zonked me out. Depressed because it is Mother's Day and all three of my sons were home. It just doesn't seem fair to be feeling so lousy on Mother's Day when my sons are home. I don't see them that often.  My job. I am very confused. I had to return to work full time as I had no sick leave left. I didn't want to return full time. But I didn't think I could afford the loss in income nor the complete depletion of personal days. So I'm back. And I'm so tired. I just can't keep up. I am so unmotivated to correct papers and have gotten behind. I have been working hard, though, on getting lessons ready for all classes and that has taken a lot of time. Just nine days to go though. Nine days is not a long time, so why do I feel that I can't do it? I have to. I didn't apply for disability as I  would have had to get a doctor's note to go back to full time and didn't want to have to deal with that. Ironically, my school made me do this! I did get a note, but this is what happened prior to the note. My principal emailed me that I needed the note. I ignored the email. Then he stopped me in the hallway after lunch and told me that I HAD to have the note from the neuro. or I wouldn't be able to work the next afternoon (the full time part). He said that he was getting pressure from his bosses (superintendent and business manager). So I called the clinic and got the stupid note. I told my principal that I didn't know if I could get a note as I would have to lie about my ability to return. As it turned out, I didn't have to lie. I just asked for a note when I talked to the nurse--I told her I was out of sick leave and needed to go back. She never asked me any questions, just said that she would get the note. And she did. Before that, I went to the business manager and asked if a note from my other doctor (in town here) would suffice. He said, 'No.' I said, "I don't know if I can get my neurologist's approval to return." The business manager (Scott) said, "If you can't, we don't want you here." I said, "But I don't have any sick leave left. That's why I am going back to full time." He said, "If that is your only reason for returning, then we really don't want you here!" I said, "I'll have to lie then." I don't recall if he said anything. His words keep ringing in my ears, "We really don't want you here." What did he really mean? Honestly, I don't think he believes that I even have a serious condition! My diseases are still 'invisible' and for that I am very thankful. Unfortunately, though, no one can see the fatigue, the depression, and other stuff. We lost two teachers this year. Both were quite obviously very ill--one with ALS and the other with brain cancer. Very, very tragic. I wonder, though, if I am supposed to look like they did to be genuinely sick? God forbid that should happen to me!     Then my principal scheduled me for two very difficult classes (three class periods as one class takes two class periods) all in a row at the end of the day. I don't know if I can do this as I often become exhausted right after lunch. He asked me if this would be difficult for me and I told him it would. Then he explained his rationale for scheduling this way and said he didn't know how else to do it. Then I recalled Scott saying, "We really don't want you here." and I said, "I'll make it work." Like I control how I feel in the afternoons! Yet I don't want to be a liability to my job! I am so d---ed confused.  Depression is occurring more frequently and the fatigue is getting worse. I'm not getting enough sleep as I have too much work to do. No more afternoon naps since going back full time. But this year is easy, even full time, compared to what next year will probably be. And I can't get my contract hours cut for next year. Legally, I know I could, but I think I would be seen even more as a liability and I can't stand the thought of this. But to have two groups of discipline problems back to back for three hours in the afternoon next year is almost more than I can bear. Just the thought of it... I don't know what to do. I will finally get a great salary due to my completing my master's degree. And we financially need my full salary or at least my salary (with the pay increase) at 71%. I can't get another job here that pays this much. And if I quit my job, I don't think the school system would ever hire me back! I have given MY LIFE to this school and it is probably because of how hard I have worked for them and the hours upon hours plus all of those evenings and nearly every weekend that I probably got this d--n disease! And the rest of the diseases. Now, when I really need them, I find (or at least I think) that I am not worth spit to them. I can't believe how stupid I have been. I have nearly killed myself trying to be the best teacher I can be. But for what? For people to treat me like I am really not sick or to treat me like I am worth nothing because I am sick. Is this depression? Avonex effects? I don't think so. I've felt like this a lot lately. Am I becoming paranoid? Maybe. I am just so upset that I have dedicated my life to this school and sacrificed so very much. Not just my health. Being a good mother. Keeping a clean house. Getting more involved in the community. And for what? For this. An impossible job and impossible situation. I can't get an easier job in this system. I've tried. I am not hirable. No one will tell me they won't hire me because of MS as that is not legal. Instead, they tell me that I'm overqualified. So what if I am? It's my life and my decision, right? Oh, man, I am so angry and so frustrated and so confused. Now I know discrimination and it really sucks. Please, somone tell me what to do! Unfortunately, the next time I start to feel better, I'll think once again that I am SuperWoman and can do it all. I keep repeating this pattern, over and over and over. I'm not superworman. Maybe I never was. I hate what is happening to me and I don't know how to stop it. All I know is that I want to live the rest of my life not feeling guilty or feeling like I can never take time off. I HATE THIS. I DO NOT WANT TO WORK TOMORROW. But I don't have leave left and to get a sub is to make even more work for myself that it is not worth it.     I had dinner with my husband and sons--a great dinner--and then I had to go to bed because of how I felt--so tired. I wanted so much to spend time with them. Oh, shit, the tears are forming. I need to think of something else. And you know what? I try not to use bad language. But when I get over tired or frustrated or angry, I use it. Not the really bad words (well, not usually). And I rarely, rarely cry. I hate tears. I spent two or three years crying in the grips of severe depression. I cried myself out, I think. Maybe that's why crying is so hard for me. It takes me back to the 'black' years. I have to quit now as my thoughts are circling and taking me back to the years in hell. I can't go back there...ever again.