Another bad day...

Starting off the day bad already. Seems I only write in here when I'm having a bad day, which is alright I guess, helps me release some tension and not do anything bad like I used to. Hubby woke up this morning, not speaking to me, we went to bed last night fine, or so I thought. He wanted to have sex but we were both tired and sore from working out and stuff all day so neither of us wanted to do the work lol. BUT, i thought everything was fine, apparently it wasn't. I feel like because of what I did, when he wants it, I HAVE to give it to him, and sometimes, I feel he feels the same way, that I OWE him or something, so if I don't give it to him, it's cause I'm "saving" myself for someone else, or that I don't find him attractive. But that isn't the case. I'm tired. Just as he is. He usually jokes, or I think hes joking, when he says I'm saving myself for someone else cause I don't find him attractive. He knows that is so not the case. This didn't happen cause I'm not attracted to him, or because he didn't satisfy me, he knows he does. I just killed his self esteem so he's needing constant reassurance. He knows he's hot, he gets hit on all the time, he just doesn't see it. I guess I'm just upset cause he won't talk to me.



I was thinking yesterday, a little along the same lines of his self-esteem. I KNOW my affair has deeply crushed his self-worth and image and all that. If your hubby is voicing at all that he thinks you\'re saving yourself for someone else or that you don\'t find him attractive - then he\'s definitely FEELING that. My husband has repeatedly voiced that he\'s afraid I will eventually contact and go back to my ex, so I know that this is a DEEP FEAR in him, even if it\'s said casually or joking.

So anyways, what I was thinking is that right now, it\'s so easy to just see ALLLLL The NEGATIVE. All the hurts, big and little, of today, yesterday, and years past. And here is his crushed self-esteem and respect too. So I think that I will start making sure to say AT LEAST one nice, ego-boosting, loving, self-esteem building - say one really good thing to him everyday. Give him a sincere compliment and such. Just find something, use this little thing, to start building him back up. So I start focusing on all of his positives again, instead of my hurts. So he maybe feels my loves for him, starts to feel my desire and respect for him. And maybe, over time, time, time, it\'ll help.

And one more thing? I definitely feel you about the sex. At first were were quick and often in each other\'s arms, almost the only place we could really \"talk\" and feel safe enough to voice things those first weeks after D-Day. But last week was super hard. And I was so hurt, there was no way I could be intimate for some time. But he managed last night to love me, and at first I felt cold about it, but then it became wonderful. I was SO TIRED, had taken nyquil to try and sleep after DAYS of little sleep. ANd I do DEFINITELY FEEL that I OWE him sex right now. But being intimate is probably VITAL to our saving our marriage. And I\'d rather we turn to each other than to find someone else to get release from. And in the end, last night, it was great and it brought a lot of comfort for us after a very long and hard week.

so, my two cents. good luck today...