Another Bad Day
Got an early morning phone call. My son almost choked last night. His wife at him to the hospital this morning for a throat scope. tomorrow he does a Barium Swallow to see if it shows anything, My friend who has cancer, fell and broke his shoulder last night, I spent 3 hours in the ER with him.
This evening my wife confessed something to me that she said she has been afraid to tell me for 37 years. It was about me. I was kind of shocked but, it just added to my depression. My nerves are so bad, I shake. I don't sleep, and I feel as though I am starting to withdraw back to my "safe zone". Safe zone to me is where I build a wall and re-enforce the entry ways to the real me. There I am safe, there I am not challenged, there I am away from the hurt, pain, and pressures that are placed on me.
I am leaving on my motorcycle in a few days. I have written a letter to my wife, in case I don't make it back. If I make it back, will it be worth it? If I don't make it back, what will it really matter? I am tired. I am hurt, I am stressed, I am weary, and I am sick of being this way. Have I ever been truly loved? I guess that depends on how you define what love is. I have been told mine is wrong, misguided, and un- attainable. Maybe she is right. She does not understand depression. I have tried to explain it but, she has no idea nor any compassion on what I am dealing with. I feel so alone in this. I could fill a book on what I am feeling right now. I am going to try to take some meds and sleep. I hate this.
This evening my wife confessed something to me that she said she has been afraid to tell me for 37 years. It was about me. I was kind of shocked but, it just added to my depression. My nerves are so bad, I shake. I don't sleep, and I feel as though I am starting to withdraw back to my "safe zone". Safe zone to me is where I build a wall and re-enforce the entry ways to the real me. There I am safe, there I am not challenged, there I am away from the hurt, pain, and pressures that are placed on me.
I am leaving on my motorcycle in a few days. I have written a letter to my wife, in case I don't make it back. If I make it back, will it be worth it? If I don't make it back, what will it really matter? I am tired. I am hurt, I am stressed, I am weary, and I am sick of being this way. Have I ever been truly loved? I guess that depends on how you define what love is. I have been told mine is wrong, misguided, and un- attainable. Maybe she is right. She does not understand depression. I have tried to explain it but, she has no idea nor any compassion on what I am dealing with. I feel so alone in this. I could fill a book on what I am feeling right now. I am going to try to take some meds and sleep. I hate this.
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