Another Bad Day
I was doing so well the past few days. I was able to manage my grief and function through the day and then I woke up this morning and it hit me like a ton of bricks! I'm just so over come with Grief and loss that today It took all the energy I had to drop off Jonny to playgroup so I could come back home and be miserable in peace. It just hurts so much. How do people go years with this kind of pain? Its too much. I really don't want to keep on going, pretending to the world that I'm okay. If it wasn't for my son Jon I would have already given up. I'm so Angry! Angry at God, Angry at the little punk that stole my baby from me because he was drinking and driving, Angry at our so called Justice system for not doing more to stop these idiots! I'm so hurt, Hurt because the child I loved is gone, cause I will never hold him in my arms again, because I didn't have the power to save him. I just want to scream!!! How am I supposed to hold on to a God that could allow so much pain and suffering to the innocent people of this world...How am I supposed to worship and glorify my god in this deepest part of my despair...when he could have prevented this outcome if he wanted too?
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Scream! Get mad! It does help. I was mad for a long time too, even angry at Dillon for leaving me.
Sometimes you\'ll have those days where all you feel is despair. I still have them.
I don\'t know the answers, but you\'re not alone in wondering.
Big hugs!
Pam
I totally understand your feelings. You are extremely \"raw\" in your grief now. This pain, this awful awful pain for me did NOT continue on with it\'s initial severity. It lessened, greatly lessened--and that is how one \"goes through it for years.\" Nobody could survive that kind of pain you\'re going through now year after year after year. Believe me, I know.
The whole issue about the \"why\" and the anger at the cause, is something most of us moms that lose a child from an auto accident go through. I figure it comes down to God letting us be something other than robots by giving us \"free will.\" Other people make poor choices (because they have \"free will\") and we suffer the consequences of them. Why did God allow this? Oh how I struggled with that oneI finally had to conclude I cannot find that answer in this life. Some questions we just have to, unfortunately, wait until we get upstairs to get them answered.
God totally understands your pain and confusion and He\'s a big boy, so to speak. Let it all out, don\'t try to be \"ok\" --how can you be? you\'re not. I didn\'t have a hubby or another child to try to work my grief around (stifle?) so I cannot help in that department. But I do know that when I had my near death experience, the one thing that stood out most clearly was the fact that nothing, nothing at all, could EVER separate us from the Love He has for usso let Him have it, if that\'s where you\'re at. Just releasing it will do you good, cry,cry cry let it outyou have absolutely every reason to feel the way you do. It doesn\'t get any worse pain than this in life. This is \"the big one\" and you will become the strongest when you allow yourself to feel your weakest; empty yourself, and eventually pick up the pieces (God will assist you with this) and keep putting one foot ahead of another. Please do not give up hope of feeling less pain. I felt like you do once, but now it is absolutely a different story.
Love+Hugs, Donna
It is so okay to scream, yell, cry, hit pillows....yes it is the worst of all pains a mother could ever experience....how do we go on....one day at a time...his time last year I felt so much like you do...the pain the hurt...constantly thinking and couldn\'t believe my son was gone...I still can\'t....but more today I say I don\'t want him to be gone....It\'s okay to be upset at God just know that God is there for everyone....He will understand...even if we feel He does not care...or can not have anyway to know how we feel.....As hard as it was for me last year hearing mom\'s say it does change or it gets different or it\'s a new way to learn to live....I seen no possible way how that could happen...I didn\'t want no new way to live....I wanted my old way back so I could see, touch, talk to my son....It does change...change in different ways for different people....I know I have changed, but from other\'s journals I have read I have not changed as they have changed, but I have changed....The pain is not like my heart being cut into today....I don\'t cry as often....but at times I break down....I too felt I could not imagine feeling like this the rest of my life.....I even would calculate my possible life span and how could I stand to feel this pain for the next 20 plus years...The pain is so hard ...it does hurt so bad...and you don\'t want to have to feel like this,,,none of us did....and many have had thoughts of just getting it over...But and you have a very big one in your life.....you have your Jon and boy does he need his mommy....the only way we do go forward is a bit at a time...a step at a time...a hold onto what we still have.....knowing that they need us....i am really so sorry you are experiencing this terrible terrible pain...Sending you some love and a hug an arm to hold you tight and let your pain out...Just remember we are here....Much love, Sandi
Oh this raw pain...it is so hard...it is impossible to imagine that some day that it will be less raw. Right now your goal is to make it through each moment. Find any peace that you can and appreciate it no matter how short it will be. This life is a roller coaster ride...and you are on the violent ride right now. Just do the best you can and sleep when you can...love and gentle hugs...Karen
Grief comes in waves and cycles. It\'s the hardest thing in the world but right now all you can do is take one breath at a time, one step at a time, one task at a time, and one day at a time. I promise, promise, promise that it will get easier for you. Right now it is still so early and your pain is so raw, as the other Moms have said.
It has been nearly two years for me and, as I look back, I can see the progress I have made, though sometimes it feels like no progress at all. But at your stage I was still carrying a what I called a million pound cloud around with me all the time. I was in a constant fog, just barely making it through one or two things on my daily list of things to accomplish. Some days I accomplished nothing and sat for hours just staring off into space, not even aware that time had passed. At six months I described what I was feeling at the sentencing of the drunk driver who took Corrie\'s life as staring down a deep dark tunnel of years and seeing nothing but my life without Corrie. It did and sometimes still does seem impossible and useless.
But, again, I promise you ~ the dark tunnel of sadness will become less a part of your daily pain and sadness and more just a firm resolve to go on and find as much comfort and new joys as you can with Jon, your husband and others around you whom you love.
I also felt such a sense of betrayal from God ~ Corrie was not kept out of harm\'s way one teeny tiny bit and that destroyed me. I have been to church only twice in the past two years but slowly, slowly I am beginning to have faith and trust again.
Hang in there ~ we are here to listen and offer our love.
Sending much love and big hugs of comfort and peace ~ Debbie