Another Bad Day

Got an early morning phone call.  My son almost choked last night.  His wife at him to the hospital this morning for a throat scope.  tomorrow he does a Barium Swallow to see if it shows anything,  My friend who has cancer, fell and broke his shoulder last night, I spent 3 hours in the ER with him. 
This evening my wife confessed something to me that she said she has been afraid to tell me for 37 years.   It was about me.  I was kind of shocked but, it just added to my depression.  My nerves are so bad, I shake.  I don't sleep, and I feel as though I am starting to withdraw back to my "safe zone".  Safe zone to me is where I build a wall and re-enforce the entry ways to the real me.  There I am safe, there I am not challenged, there I am away from the hurt, pain, and pressures that are placed on me.
I am leaving on my motorcycle in a few days.  I have written a letter to my wife, in case I don't make it back.  If I make it back, will it be worth it?  If I don't make it back, what will it really matter?  I am tired. I am hurt, I am stressed, I am weary, and I am sick of being this way.  Have I ever been truly loved?  I guess that depends on how you define what love is.  I have been told mine is wrong, misguided, and un- attainable.  Maybe she is right.  She does not understand depression. I have tried to explain it but, she has no idea nor any compassion on what I am dealing with.  I feel so alone in this.  I could fill a book on what I am feeling right now.  I am going to try to take some meds and sleep.  I hate this.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Dear Old Biker, I know what deep depression is like. I have experienced it like you and felt worn out and like withdrawing to a hole. You are in my prayers that the Holy Spirit comfort you.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Oldbiker,

In my journey with depression, I too have come to the place where I do not want to leave my safe place. I have no advice to give except to Let Go and Let God. You seemed to burned out on life. With all that is on you I can understand why. There comes a time when you have to sit down and set your priorities. And even if you cannot meet every one of them. Start over tomorrow.


Roger the Minister- verse

Eph 4:32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ\'s sake hath forgiven you.
angeleyes92
angeleyes92

please dont talk this way, this too shall pass. a bike ride will be good for you. you need to take time for you and deal with everything. there are too many stressors in your life right now and you keep putting your needs last. you cant live that way. whatever your wife said probably upset you but that doesnt mean she doesnt love you. besides, there are people that love you, i included. please be careful out there. i know you are hurting bad, you didnt respond to a message I sent you and that worries me a lot.
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD

I know you are in a very dark place right now Peewee.. you sound so very anxious and in a deep depression.. have you seen your doctor??... should you go to emerg to be admitted??.. sweetie.. it wont work to drive down the highway thinking you will leave all your troubles behind.. I only wish it were that simple.. God Bless you.. depression needs treatment and it sounds like you are really falling into it along with severe anxiety.. it is horrible.. but there is good help for it.. Peewee please see a psychiatrist ... if you dont have one.. you can go through emerg.. you sound as though you are headed for a crisis.. I think a trip right now may just be another burden my friend.. I am holding you and praying for you.. love for a very special man.. Jan
starbright1949
starbright1949

for once I have to agree with Roger and Jan. Pls dont take a trip, satan will tempt you something fierce. A ride that might be good for you. I have gotten more love from you thru these pages at DS than I get from my own hubby. I can feel it Pee wee. and so can many other people, set your prioritys God , church, then family. I pray the wife didnt hurt you to bad. I will pray for you and your son.~~~Debbie
starbright1949
starbright1949

After I thought about it a bike trip wld do you good. Just to be alone and commune with God and nature. It isn\'t natural to be shakey. I am glad I am your friend, take your comp with you, we all might get to see some beautiful places in Ill. We all cld exchange e-mails if you want, the only way I cld ever get a vacation is for you to share yours. Big Hugs~~~Debbie