another day
Let me start by saying i spent 2 hours yesterday pouring my heart out in a journal and some how lost it-urg!! I decided to wait and start over today. i am feeling pretty good that i was left home alone yesterday for the first time and I MADE IT!! Stephen was here recouping but slept most of day, he is doing great from surgery. My sis and family(who live with us since...)went to illinois for the weekend and it has been strange but kinda nice to be just us. It worked well that they moved in because getting back to normal was a different normal and it gave me a sence of having "company" that got me out of bed everyday, but sis is my little(6yrs)sis and the youngest of 4(2 older bro)and is used to me taking care of her and has no idea what to do to help me, so i was pushing myself to be up doing things, then i got sick and was in bed 2 days the last half of the 2nd day i felt better but just didin't feel like getting up, and i took some advice from here and didn't push myself to do too much and sis came to me crying that she thought i was giving up and couldn't do it all herself, this hurt me deeply because i really felt i was doing good, other than the 2 days i have been doing laundry, we clean the house together, take turns planning and cooking dinner, and really felt that as someone who sorta knows what i am feeling(sis lost fullterm girl in 02), she would understand a little down me time. i waited a day and talked to her-when she lost morgan she had a goal to be preg again asap and had Kole 1 yr later almost to the day and i can't have another 18 yr old to help ease the pain and i tried to explain that as my only daughter i am also mourning the loss of all the things mothers and daughters do together. I know she is under stress feeling like the "big sis" for once, but it really hurt me to think i was doing so well then be told i'm not doing my share. Hubby says do what i need to do and the rest will work out, but i am a worry wart and have always put everyone else first. So now i feel this pull to be "normal" and to close up, i would like to be able to spend more time on here but when i did sis kept worrying i was on here too much in and out of room checking, i do know myself well enough to know i could get lost on here with all of you for hours, but if the boys are at school and hubby at work is that a bad thing if i feel i need it. I feel like i am getting lost somewhere in being consumed with missing Suzette and trying to appear ok, the prozac seems to help me just retreat into myself and go through the motions but as more time goes on everyone else seems to be moving on and i still feel like they just knocked on the door last night everyday feels like it lasts a week yet it feels no time has pasted at all. I can't believe it is April and i have no basic memory of feb or march(including both boys b-days).
Replies
I was on this site constantly when I first found it. It is a place of solace and comfort. If you need to be on then I think that is great. You will get to a place where you get on every once in a while to keep up and to share your week. I\'m sorry your sis wasn\'t a bit more senstive to your feelings. I\'m sure losing a baby is very difficult but when you\'ve shared 18 years of your life with someone so important and special, I don\'t think it can compare. Don\'t worry that you\'re not doing enough. I think getting reacquaited with the laundry and the grocery store will gradually work itself back into your life. Take care of yourself. This grief is not only emotional but very physically draining on a body. ONLY do what you can, somedays that\'s just hopping in the shower. Love Robin
I agree with Robin...I came here all the time intitially...now I come once or twice a day. I have found so many words of wisdom and experience and of course understanding. It has been good for me...so IF others don\'t understand...they really just don\'t know. Your sis is probably comparing you with the old you...so you aren\'t the same. She is probably waiting for you to go back to the old you...you can\'t...we are different. It is a fact...we have had the worst thing happen to us...so we are different. It doesn\'t mean that we cannot have happiness...but things are differnt. AND, not only do others have to adjust WE have to adjust... You are doing good...and I am proud of the things you are accomplishing...love and hugs...Karen
I am confident that most here would agree that the most important thing you can do is whatever you CAN do. Don\'t do what you think other expect or think you should do simply what you can. That will vary greatly minute to minute day to day so just because you could do something yesterday don\'t expect you will be able to do it today and vice versa.
Each person must try to cope in their own way.
Praying for God\'s grace and peace for you.
Ruth