Annoying emotional reaction
Ok, this is getting annoying. How do I overcome nerves like this? It's been a day since I heard from her and for some reason I'm already feeling like I have to talk to her. Logically I know not to worry about this but for some reason I'm driven to try to get back in touch. I txted her, as usual and no response yet (I'm assuming she's busy even though it's now getting kind of late).. I'm not normally like this and I'm basically just ignoring the urge to txt her more and keeping busy looking for another job because I desperately need work.
I've been feeling stuff like that a lot lately even though I know quite well not to even worry about anything at all. This isn't actually too unusual except that for the past two weeks we've talked almost every day.
UPDATE: Ok, I should elaborate on this (obviously). I have never been in a serious relationship. I've never had a girlfriend, the closest I've ever been was a short fling I had one summer a few years ago. Just in general, this sort of thing simply doesn't happen for me. It's very rare I meet someone I'm even interested in and with the girl a few years ago, it was incredibly miraculously lucky because we actually clicked really well.
I'll get into that in a different journal to explain just how this relationship worked out and how it (sort of) ended but the point of bringing it up here is simply this: I met the girl I'm currently dating the same way! We met on Craiglist, both times the girl responded to my ad. The only difference is, with the girl a few years ago she responded to an M4F ad but made it clear from the start that she was only looking for a "fuckbuddy." This time, embarrassingly enough, THIS girl responded to my casual encoutners ad, which basically just said I'm looking for an attractive, intelligent girl to chill with from time to time.
The terms of this particular relationship weren't originally so clear. Honestly I think we both struggled to really grasp what we wanted from each other until shortly after our second time meeting. That was a pretty crazy night, she kept trying to seduce me, than changing her mind and shifting into a seemingly random mood and then a little while later trying again.
It was freaky! I was already close to giving up on her, chalking it up to yet another depressing failed attempt at dating but she kept talking to me for the next two days. Finally, two nights later I made the decision to open up to her about my depression hoping to get her to relax, open up to me and really have a heart-to-heart talk. It worked!! We were only talking on the phone but she seemed to loosen up immediately! We talked for over 4 hours, it was AMAZING! We learned a lot about each other and both kind of realized that we're on the same page relationship-wise. We both want the same things and she's clearly already starting to fall for me.
Like I said, I was a little iffy about how I felt for her but this was what finally made me feel like maybe this really is worth a try after all. A lot of the weird hesitance and strangeness seemed to be rapidly disappearing and for another week we were talking every single day, on the phone whenever we could and through txts when one of us couldn't. Finally we both agreed on a normal date, lunch at a really good local hole-in-the-wall pizza place and again had an AMAZING time! This time we were both sober and she seemed A LOT more sane than she was last time I saw her. We talked about all kinds of things, seemed to connect very well.
Since then, communication hasn't really stopped but I think we're both more available to talk later in the afternoons (although I do free up kind of in the middle of the day too). The only thing is, like everytime I've tried dating in the past with anyone (aside from the girl a few years ago) I ALWAYS get a little on edge about it. I ALWAYS feel like at any moment something might go horribly wrong and she'll change her mind or something. With the girl a few years ago, I had less of this simply because she made up her mind about me the day we met that I was the one she wanted to be with for the summer.
My theory here is simply this, I haven't dated enough to really learn how to properly deal with this strange emotional edginess and I've had sooo many negative experiences with dating that I just naturally have this pre-programmed response to feel sort of depressed and anxious about this sort of thing. It's learned helplessness except there's one difference now! I can tell when this anxiety is logical or not. I can tell when my anxiety is simply just the pre-programmed response and when I really should be worried. I can kind of control it... well, more like calm it down and keep it from driving me too crazy.
... Ok, I just needed to vent this here I suppose. I'll be fine, I promise. It's just hard when it also invokes a depressive response. My dating life and my depression have always been STRONGLY linked and to make it worse, as most of you know my experience with depression has at times gotten pretty scary! To the point of unintentionally starving myself, loosing sleep to the point where I only sleep 1 - 2 hours a night, and sometimes even hallucinations. Sometimes these hallucinations were because of a lack of sleep and sometimes I don't even know why I had these scary hallucinations (demons whispering horrible things in my ears or seeing vague, strange patterns on EVERYTHING).
I've been feeling stuff like that a lot lately even though I know quite well not to even worry about anything at all. This isn't actually too unusual except that for the past two weeks we've talked almost every day.
UPDATE: Ok, I should elaborate on this (obviously). I have never been in a serious relationship. I've never had a girlfriend, the closest I've ever been was a short fling I had one summer a few years ago. Just in general, this sort of thing simply doesn't happen for me. It's very rare I meet someone I'm even interested in and with the girl a few years ago, it was incredibly miraculously lucky because we actually clicked really well.
I'll get into that in a different journal to explain just how this relationship worked out and how it (sort of) ended but the point of bringing it up here is simply this: I met the girl I'm currently dating the same way! We met on Craiglist, both times the girl responded to my ad. The only difference is, with the girl a few years ago she responded to an M4F ad but made it clear from the start that she was only looking for a "fuckbuddy." This time, embarrassingly enough, THIS girl responded to my casual encoutners ad, which basically just said I'm looking for an attractive, intelligent girl to chill with from time to time.
The terms of this particular relationship weren't originally so clear. Honestly I think we both struggled to really grasp what we wanted from each other until shortly after our second time meeting. That was a pretty crazy night, she kept trying to seduce me, than changing her mind and shifting into a seemingly random mood and then a little while later trying again.
It was freaky! I was already close to giving up on her, chalking it up to yet another depressing failed attempt at dating but she kept talking to me for the next two days. Finally, two nights later I made the decision to open up to her about my depression hoping to get her to relax, open up to me and really have a heart-to-heart talk. It worked!! We were only talking on the phone but she seemed to loosen up immediately! We talked for over 4 hours, it was AMAZING! We learned a lot about each other and both kind of realized that we're on the same page relationship-wise. We both want the same things and she's clearly already starting to fall for me.
Like I said, I was a little iffy about how I felt for her but this was what finally made me feel like maybe this really is worth a try after all. A lot of the weird hesitance and strangeness seemed to be rapidly disappearing and for another week we were talking every single day, on the phone whenever we could and through txts when one of us couldn't. Finally we both agreed on a normal date, lunch at a really good local hole-in-the-wall pizza place and again had an AMAZING time! This time we were both sober and she seemed A LOT more sane than she was last time I saw her. We talked about all kinds of things, seemed to connect very well.
Since then, communication hasn't really stopped but I think we're both more available to talk later in the afternoons (although I do free up kind of in the middle of the day too). The only thing is, like everytime I've tried dating in the past with anyone (aside from the girl a few years ago) I ALWAYS get a little on edge about it. I ALWAYS feel like at any moment something might go horribly wrong and she'll change her mind or something. With the girl a few years ago, I had less of this simply because she made up her mind about me the day we met that I was the one she wanted to be with for the summer.
My theory here is simply this, I haven't dated enough to really learn how to properly deal with this strange emotional edginess and I've had sooo many negative experiences with dating that I just naturally have this pre-programmed response to feel sort of depressed and anxious about this sort of thing. It's learned helplessness except there's one difference now! I can tell when this anxiety is logical or not. I can tell when my anxiety is simply just the pre-programmed response and when I really should be worried. I can kind of control it... well, more like calm it down and keep it from driving me too crazy.
... Ok, I just needed to vent this here I suppose. I'll be fine, I promise. It's just hard when it also invokes a depressive response. My dating life and my depression have always been STRONGLY linked and to make it worse, as most of you know my experience with depression has at times gotten pretty scary! To the point of unintentionally starving myself, loosing sleep to the point where I only sleep 1 - 2 hours a night, and sometimes even hallucinations. Sometimes these hallucinations were because of a lack of sleep and sometimes I don't even know why I had these scary hallucinations (demons whispering horrible things in my ears or seeing vague, strange patterns on EVERYTHING).
Replies