Annoyed....and a little hurt....

"Without change, something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken." – Frank Herbert Right now I am thoroughly annoyed with my Husband. I have been making great strides with my recovery from anxiety and panic attacks. My exposure therapy has been going very well despite the fact I am all alone in the matter. I am battling this alone and cannot include my Husband because he cannot remain objective and always feels he must push.  Well, a couple days ago he told me a colleague of his and his wife wishes to have dinner with Husband and I. Husband said its very important because it’s great for networking. I voiced my concerns about how I felt I wasn’t ready for something like that but he just blew it off.  Today I sat down with him and told him that yes I have been making huge strides but right now I am sticking to my exposure therapy schedule and to my pace. I told him I do not feel ready to be nearly an hour and a half away from home, in a busy restaurant with a group of strangers. That is just too much too soon. With all that said he basically blew me off and said, “Oh, you will be fine!” and then said “Well they asked us and I am not saying no.” I voiced an even bigger concern that if I am not ready for something like that and I do have a “melt down” over it that I am terrified I will be back to square one. Again I felt like he blew me off. He made mention how well I was doing and that I will be fine.  Why is it I don’t feel like I will be fine? And why is it I feel like I am going to cry?  I hate it that when I do make significant progress he pulls this crap. He can’t leave me be to work at my own pace. He has to constantly push whether it’s consciously or subconsciously. What’s worse is he is going out of town for a week which is fine I am looking forward to it to do more exposure therapy. However, I am feeling a lot of anxiety about it- which is normal- and he wants to meet these people 2 or 3 days when he gets back from his trip. So I am gonna be at peak craziness the whole time while he is gone.  I am so angry with him! I feel like he is belittling what I am going through. I just want to scream at him. I want to shake him and hit him and make him feel as bad as I do. Better yet have him live a day in my shoes trying to control the constant panic, anxiety, and all the wonderful physical symptoms it comes with.   Usually when I get this way I wish I was normal. I don’t want to wish anymore…I want to BE normal…so I am taking steps to do so…but why are those steps never good enough or fast enough for those around me? Its as simple as this: I am NOT letting ANYONE rush my recovery. MY PACE, MY TERMS! (am I being irrational?) I just don’t want to fight with him…Whats worse is how to you communicate with someone that you feel just doesnt get it or just doesnt wish to listen? On the school front I took another test and got a 96%. That puts me two weeks ahead of schedule and counting.  I hope everyone is well! ~Bright Blessings~Rea