Annoyed

Hi. I have never done something like this before, besides make a Facebook status lol. I created this account a few months ago because of problems with my boyfriend's friends. I'm just annoyed because its literally a circle. Why do I keep expecting them to change? It is never going to happen. If it hasn't happened after two years, it probably never will. I can't talk to him about this either because then he just gets mad at me. I don't have the energy for this anymore. I've been dealing with it for the past two years and I am tired of it, and, quite frankly, fed up. Why is it so hard to find people that aren't two faced? like really. Can I just go back to college please? I miss my friends so much. For the most part, I was SO happy at college. I had lots of friends and things to keep me busy. I am not meaning to come on here and just complain, but I am looking for advice or a shoulder to lean on or maybe to find someone in a similar situation to know that they are not alone. 

Sometimes I feel like my boyfriend is happier when I'm not around and he's with his friends. So does continuing this relationship make me selfish? Over the past year, I have learned to respect my boyfriends time with his friends and just step out of the way. No checking in or anything, just letting him be. Yes, I get irritated while doing this because my anxiety gets triggered because of past events. 

I journal a lot about some uneasy feelings I have had in this relationship and I don't go back and read them because putting them all together just makes me want to run. And that isn't what I want for us. Things are a lot better right now than they have been in the past. 

But on the other hand, things were a lot better in the beginning of the relationship. What do they call that? Honeymoon phase or whatever? yeah. I don't know, I guess I'm just exhausted from trying to get people to include me and to respect me, like I do for them. But now its time to stop like honestly. I'm not going out on a limb for anyone anymore who wouldn't do the same for me because it is a waste of my time and energy. 

Thank you for taking the time to read this.