Anniversary of the nightmare

March 2011 starts the one year anniversary of our last 3 months - horrific, unending pain.    As March began, so did our entry into the final 12 weeks of Bill's torture chamber nightmare.
At this time last year, my husband was alive but beginning to suffer excruciating pain.   We both hoped that additional pain meds would help.   (By then, he was already taking morphine, oxycodone,  haldol, ativan, baclofen, methadone, thorazine, - all in varying coctail mixes as doctors tried to get control of runaway pain). 
I really thought more pain meds would work.   But Bill's digestive system was so compromised by his cancer................his body was unable to metabolize the pain meds.  Horrors!!    So, although, the drugs affected him mentally............they didn't "touch" his violent abdominal pain.
Drugs turned Bill into a "zombie - like person - struggling hopelessly with ever increasing pain.    (Doctors told me that his abdominal wall was rapidly thickening - all the while causing more and more intense pain.   Like a vice........squeezing his middle......ever tightening).
So last March, we were entering a dark torture chamber limbo.    The pain went on relentlessly until Bill's last breath on May 26 2010.
So I am struggling to supress these memories.   Memories which take my breath away. 
Last year.......we entered this dark valley with some hope.  But now,  I revisit the memories - knowing the end of the story.   No rescue came.    The pain intensified and we were swept away into a dark, dark hole.
So I feel sick to my stomach.   I can't shake those graphic pictures.
I think that this anniversary of the beginning of the worst part.......................will be harder for me than the anniversary of my sweet Bill's death.
He and I shared a hellish 3 months together.  No one else will every truly understand what it was like and because he is gone.............I have NO ONE who can ever understand what it was like.   Just me.   :(
 

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I am so sorry about what you and your husband had to endure. I feel so badly for you reliving these terrible memories. I guess the only consolation is knowing that he will never be in pain again.

Hugs
Linda
icezam19
icezam19

Thank you for taking the time to read my journal. It helps to know that someone cares.
OnMyOwn2010
OnMyOwn2010

So very sorry for what your husband and you had to endure...and so very sorry for your loss....my late husband passed quickly after being diagnosed with kidney cancer...there were only a few days toward the end when he was in a lot of pain and I remember how hard it was for me to see him hurting and not be able to ease his pain...I cannot imagine what you went through, but my heart goes out to you because of it. I do hope and pray you find comfort and consolation in knowing that he is now free of it all....the cancer, the pain, the suffering....I know I do....

Blessings, & hugs, ~E~
deleted_user
deleted_user

You are right...no one will understand what it was like. You, alone, have the horrible memories but then again, you alone had all his love. You were there for him when he needed you the most. I am sorry that the medications did not work for him. It must have been so difficult for you. I am hoping that good memories can seep into the cracks between the bad ones. Hugs, Nancy
lovelos
lovelos

I am so sorry that you both had to go through this. My heart breaks for you as I read your journal. I pray that you have some peace as you move through these next few months. Hugs Lu Ann
deleted_user
deleted_user

Icezam, Oh, I am hurting with you as I read the pain you and your darling husband went through. I can\'t imagine how difficult that must have been for you. I will pray that God will bring you comfort and ease those painful memories from your mind. For you the pain of those months continues, but your husband is not feeling any pain right now. Please think of that!!

I care!! Hugs, Linda
deleted_user
deleted_user

Icezam: Cancer is the cruelest killer of all. The horror of watching your Love in pain, dying day by day is a nightmare. I am just about at the 2 year mark and I have just started to be able to remember Mike before he got sick. The flashbacks and memories of my big man reduced to a old frail shell stuck with me for a long time. It helped me to put up a small picture of him a few years back when he was happy and healthy. Now my mental pictures of him are like the photo, not the grim reality of his last days.
Hugs, Cindy xxoo
Wmsbaby
Wmsbaby

I so understand. We tried a mixture of pain meds the last couple of months. All I could see was those horrible days when nothing would touch the pain. Someone suggested to me to put up only pre-cancer photos to help visualize him as he truly was. It helped me to see him healthy instead of watching that never ending video in my mind of his last months. Anyone who was had a loved one die of cancer knows how horrible this is. I pray you get peace about this and you see him more and more in pre cancer image. Hugs...Rhonda
KipB
KipB

So understand your feelings. watching our loved ones suffer was the cruelest thing imaginable. But as someone else said, they are in a place where there is no more pain. That\'s the only consolation. Hang in there, Kip.
wanda61
wanda61

I could not read the responses right now. I could bearly read your journal. Just know that we care about you here at DS. I send you my love, Wanda
icezam19
icezam19

Thank you all. I was naive - believed that in the year 2010, severe pain could be managed. The medical profession\'s inability to help us ..... shocked me.
I am thankful for the fantastic life Bill and I shared and try to focus on it. Trying to lean into anxiety instead of pushing it away. So far...............no real difference but I\'ll keep at it.

I now realize that if you take all of life\'s questions..........and follow them to their logical end........................they all eventually end up as ONE question: Is there a God? We have no proof either way.

So it is my choice.
Yes or No.

Yes = hope, peace, comfort, light.
No = hopeless, despair, frustration, dark.

What thinking person would choose the dark?
And so I made my choice to believe God is. Because it \'s better to live in the light. Each day, I look to feed my faith. And it\'s helping.
pneylan
pneylan

Such vivid memories are only natural for you at this time. I hope in time you will find some peace and comfort in the good times you and Bill had together. Find help wherever you can, in you family and friends, in your faith - we all need as much help as possible from wherever we find it. My thoughts are with you at this difficult time. Take care. Patrick
wendywillow
wendywillow

I realize this is late, but I read a comment of yours on the \"blessings\" discussion and liked your answer.

I too am walking a path of a year ago\'s hospital admission, 3 months as well and we know the end. The ups and downs were scary. And like you, I just wanted to bring my dear husband home.

I am sorry your husband suffered so much. My husband had lung disease - the pain was not like your dear husband\'s.

It\'s a dark path we walk. And I totally agree. I think these 3 months will be worse than the actual anniversary of his passing (July 3rd for us).
Sending hugs.
p.s. you write well.
icezam19
icezam19

So glad you understand. I have entered the 30 days before Bill died last year. My soul is screaming inside. It really helps to know that others are walking with us even though we are all separated by miles.
I recently watched a movie \"I am David\" and it reminded me to look for some good.......it\'s there somewhere. I recently read an article written by Rick Warren. He said that life is like a railroad track. All the while something bad is happening.....something good is happening too. So when we focus on the bad we need to look over at the good because it\'s there somewhere.
I will always be horribly sad without Bill but I try to look over to find some good - even if it\'s just a memory or sunset or warm bath or a hot cup of coffee. I used to want to get the bad over... so I could find some good. But it doesn\'t work that way. Guess good/bad happen side by side?