Anniversary of the nightmare
March 2011 starts the one year anniversary of our last 3 months - horrific, unending pain. As March began, so did our entry into the final 12 weeks of Bill's torture chamber nightmare.
At this time last year, my husband was alive but beginning to suffer excruciating pain. We both hoped that additional pain meds would help. (By then, he was already taking morphine, oxycodone, haldol, ativan, baclofen, methadone, thorazine, - all in varying coctail mixes as doctors tried to get control of runaway pain).
I really thought more pain meds would work. But Bill's digestive system was so compromised by his cancer................his body was unable to metabolize the pain meds. Horrors!! So, although, the drugs affected him mentally............they didn't "touch" his violent abdominal pain.
Drugs turned Bill into a "zombie - like person - struggling hopelessly with ever increasing pain. (Doctors told me that his abdominal wall was rapidly thickening - all the while causing more and more intense pain. Like a vice........squeezing his middle......ever tightening).
So last March, we were entering a dark torture chamber limbo. The pain went on relentlessly until Bill's last breath on May 26 2010.
So I am struggling to supress these memories. Memories which take my breath away.
Last year.......we entered this dark valley with some hope. But now, I revisit the memories - knowing the end of the story. No rescue came. The pain intensified and we were swept away into a dark, dark hole.
So I feel sick to my stomach. I can't shake those graphic pictures.
I think that this anniversary of the beginning of the worst part.......................will be harder for me than the anniversary of my sweet Bill's death.
He and I shared a hellish 3 months together. No one else will every truly understand what it was like and because he is gone.............I have NO ONE who can ever understand what it was like. Just me. :(
At this time last year, my husband was alive but beginning to suffer excruciating pain. We both hoped that additional pain meds would help. (By then, he was already taking morphine, oxycodone, haldol, ativan, baclofen, methadone, thorazine, - all in varying coctail mixes as doctors tried to get control of runaway pain).
I really thought more pain meds would work. But Bill's digestive system was so compromised by his cancer................his body was unable to metabolize the pain meds. Horrors!! So, although, the drugs affected him mentally............they didn't "touch" his violent abdominal pain.
Drugs turned Bill into a "zombie - like person - struggling hopelessly with ever increasing pain. (Doctors told me that his abdominal wall was rapidly thickening - all the while causing more and more intense pain. Like a vice........squeezing his middle......ever tightening).
So last March, we were entering a dark torture chamber limbo. The pain went on relentlessly until Bill's last breath on May 26 2010.
So I am struggling to supress these memories. Memories which take my breath away.
Last year.......we entered this dark valley with some hope. But now, I revisit the memories - knowing the end of the story. No rescue came. The pain intensified and we were swept away into a dark, dark hole.
So I feel sick to my stomach. I can't shake those graphic pictures.
I think that this anniversary of the beginning of the worst part.......................will be harder for me than the anniversary of my sweet Bill's death.
He and I shared a hellish 3 months together. No one else will every truly understand what it was like and because he is gone.............I have NO ONE who can ever understand what it was like. Just me. :(
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