Anne's House of Dreams
If y'all haven't read the Anne of Green Gables series, then it's gonna be hard to relate, but in gist... remember Anne's House of Dreams? It was THE house - it was the first time in the series of books where everything just sort of fell into place and went right. Her and Gilbert were finally together and happy and the house was the very perfectest house in the whole world and she loved it and wanted to stay there foreverty ever.
She loved that house. She was so attached. And even after all the painful things that happened there (the stillborn baby, for example...) she still was so rooted there. But when her family grew and grew and Gil was like, "yo, we need a bigger crib" she was like, "yeah but..." and he's like "Yeah, um... now?" and she's like "*sigh* Ok, yeah." So they moved. (Like my paraphrasing?)
So they moved and she was "fine" moving to a bigger place where their hoard of children could have room to grow and play, but ever after she always longingly thought of her "house of dreams" and it always made me so sad for her that she had to move on for practical reasons.
OK... so... my point.
This house was my "house of dreams". When I sort of outlined what I was looking for in a house with my husband, THIS was it. In the mountains, in the trees, big deck, secluded bedroom, rock fireplace, garden.... it was everything. Having been here 11 years, I'm acutely aware of all the irritating things that make it less than dreamy, too. Some of the things we started to fix and never finished and some we never got around to or didn't have the money for and so forth. But... it's still the house I thought we would be in foreverty. Or that we'd "upgrade" to an even dreamier house of dreams when/if we did leave. But we wouldn't leave, right?
And now it looks like we very well might. And I need to. I hate it here. I hate the triggers. I hate that every time I drive to the chiropractor I'm inundated with memories and feelings that are painful and frustrating and regress me back to an earlier stage of healing. I hate that I can't even serve on jury duty without the fear of having a total breakdown (or having to face the OW!!) I hate being here. But... my house of dreams!
I have reconciled with the fact that this may be painful, but also necessary if I want to move forward. If ya don't like blueberries, you don't keep ordering blueberry pancakes, right? So why stay in a place that continuously inhibits healing and moving on??
But? My house of dreams! *whimper*
Huz put his transfer papers in today. We will probably not know whether or not the transfer is accepted until July 21. Tentatively, the kids and I will move in August before school starts. This is a lot of change in a very short amount of time and is riddled with a lot of issues (like living apart from Huz for four months). Even if it ultimately will be the best thing for us, I am still mourning leaving behind this house. I can only hope that the next place is even more perfect and not just passable, like I felt Anne settled for when she left her House of Dreams.
She loved that house. She was so attached. And even after all the painful things that happened there (the stillborn baby, for example...) she still was so rooted there. But when her family grew and grew and Gil was like, "yo, we need a bigger crib" she was like, "yeah but..." and he's like "Yeah, um... now?" and she's like "*sigh* Ok, yeah." So they moved. (Like my paraphrasing?)
So they moved and she was "fine" moving to a bigger place where their hoard of children could have room to grow and play, but ever after she always longingly thought of her "house of dreams" and it always made me so sad for her that she had to move on for practical reasons.
OK... so... my point.
This house was my "house of dreams". When I sort of outlined what I was looking for in a house with my husband, THIS was it. In the mountains, in the trees, big deck, secluded bedroom, rock fireplace, garden.... it was everything. Having been here 11 years, I'm acutely aware of all the irritating things that make it less than dreamy, too. Some of the things we started to fix and never finished and some we never got around to or didn't have the money for and so forth. But... it's still the house I thought we would be in foreverty. Or that we'd "upgrade" to an even dreamier house of dreams when/if we did leave. But we wouldn't leave, right?
And now it looks like we very well might. And I need to. I hate it here. I hate the triggers. I hate that every time I drive to the chiropractor I'm inundated with memories and feelings that are painful and frustrating and regress me back to an earlier stage of healing. I hate that I can't even serve on jury duty without the fear of having a total breakdown (or having to face the OW!!) I hate being here. But... my house of dreams!
I have reconciled with the fact that this may be painful, but also necessary if I want to move forward. If ya don't like blueberries, you don't keep ordering blueberry pancakes, right? So why stay in a place that continuously inhibits healing and moving on??
But? My house of dreams! *whimper*
Huz put his transfer papers in today. We will probably not know whether or not the transfer is accepted until July 21. Tentatively, the kids and I will move in August before school starts. This is a lot of change in a very short amount of time and is riddled with a lot of issues (like living apart from Huz for four months). Even if it ultimately will be the best thing for us, I am still mourning leaving behind this house. I can only hope that the next place is even more perfect and not just passable, like I felt Anne settled for when she left her House of Dreams.
Replies
I so get this ...
You made me cry.
I never thought Anne settled. Though now from a grown woman perspective perhaps you are right, perhaps she did after all. But your house and surroundings bring so much pain and bad things to you.... Perhaps try to think of it as a compromise. You might not get the house of dreams anymore, but then perhaps it no longer IS your house of dreams..... Perhaps everything else that will come with the change and all bad that will be gone with the change will make even only passable initially house an upgrade?
In any case I hear you very well..... We do not live in the house of my dreams and yet I made it mine and despite all the triggers that surround it, I know it will be tough to move.
I dread for you the 4 months living separately. Any way it could be avoided or made shorter?
Hugs
Maybe that\'s the lesson in all this... dreams can and DO change. The dreams we have in our early 20\'s certainly don\'t (or can\'t!) match those we have in our late 30\'s. (And so on through the years...) That doesn\'t mean letting go of old dreams is easy or painless, though.
I have a lot of anxiety about the 4 months. It could be 5 months, except he\'s able to take a month of vacation time and get to us sooner. Also, he\'s back on 12 hour shifts, so really, living apart will only be for half the week (3 days some weeks, 4 others) but it\'s still not ideal.
We COULD wait to move, but I\'m not keen about transferring the kids mid-school year (and for my son, mid semester in his junior year of high school.) A huge motivation for moving is getting them into better environments and better schools, so there seems little point in delaying, but it IS an option We\'ll have to just wait and see.
I hear you! I have never been in my \'house of dreams\' but remember, it is just a dwelling. My kids and I have unfortunately lived in several homes over the years. That is one of my biggest regrets - not giving them the \'childhood home\' to remember. But now that they are college age and moving out on their own, I see that those memories are all we have - even if there was that home, they would still just be memories. Maybe it is easier not having to pass by that room where their crib once was and those memories linger. My heart breaks when I remember that little girl with long curls running down the hall laughing because she will never be that girl, not because I am not in the house we lived in. I\'ll never forget those things, regardless of where we live. Hold on to the people, not the places.
Letting go of our dreams is hard, but a part of life. What I thought my marriage was for 30 years was a dream. Now I know that I was fooling myself. I\'ll never have that dream again but we will endure and hopefully get better than we are now. And the saying that time apart makes the heart grow fonder is true - at least it was years ago when we lived apart for 3 months.
I\'ll keep you and your family in my prayers - good luck!