Anguish
Things like this put me over the edge. James wrote me this in an email about what we should plan to do this summer: "We also need to come up with some time to put in our porch. Actually, I am hopingI will have to do most of it with you pregnant and supervising :) " When I envision myself pregnant, or not pregnant, this summer, I cringe and twist up inside until it's absolutely intolerable. It's easy to focus on the details of clinics or shots, but when I'm reminded about the fundamental reason I'm doing this, it hits much deeper in my soul. Oh, I don't want to do "big-picture" hoping. It's so much more draining. And sad. I despair. I hate to have to go through the HOPE. What we know about hope is that it gets dashed. It's the worst. It's what keeps us going through this. I just can't take it much more. But what choice do I have?
Replies
I\'m sorry about the anguish. :( I know that I could never even let my brain go past the shots and procedures, you sort of have to do that to protect yourself from breaking down. Then when it happens for real you can save the daydreaming and freaking out for then. HUG!!!!
Hi-I\'ve read the recent journals....WOW you have alot going on.....You are so right about so many things...hope is EVIL in so many circumstances....but how to continue without it? And choices-ALMOST as bad as hope....
I know what you mean about losing yourself in the appts and meds, and needle sticks and procedures....it distracts from the pain of hope....I am thinking of you....
I\'m so sorry sweetie. I think we all try to put HOPE on the back burner cause it can seem so fake. Straight to the age old adage of the wolf in sheeps clothing...it makes you all warm and fuzzy until it is ripped away. Hang in there I know you can do it.
My husband, trying to watch his weight and health, calls pizza a \"cruel bitch goddess.\" I feel the same way about hope. But like pizza, what would we do without it?