Anguish

Things like this put me over the edge. James wrote me this in an email about what we should plan to do this summer:  "We also need to come up with some time to put in our porch.  Actually, I am hopingI will have to do most of it with you pregnant and supervising :)  " When I envision myself pregnant, or not pregnant, this summer, I cringe and twist up inside until it's absolutely intolerable.  It's easy to focus on the details of clinics or shots, but when I'm reminded about the fundamental reason I'm doing this, it hits much deeper in my soul.  Oh, I don't want to do "big-picture" hoping.  It's so much more draining.  And sad.  I despair.  I hate to have to go through the HOPE.  What we know about hope is that it gets dashed.  It's the worst.  It's what keeps us going through this.  I just can't take it much more.  But what choice do I have?