anguish

I find my self here again, in the middle of my life, in the middle of early morning and at the end of my rope. Its been a while since I have been able to put my mind down in words, now is probably not the best of times but I am going to drive my self crazy if I don't get this out of my head. I have made many changes in my life but I have continued to make some of the same mistakes over and over again. I.m still hanging on to R. I don't let him hit me anymore, he does not drink any more and we are still not really truely happy. Actually, I am not happy with my choice to depend on him so much. My four adult children have been affected by the economy like everyone else, I had a son that just came out of prison, I have lost yet another job, have been in two car wrecks, had to let go of my apartment and move in with my daughter.Now, I get to start all over again, get my apartment back, go job hunting again, explain why i was fired again. Its all so exhausting.And of course I cannot sleep worried always worried. I don't know what kind of job I can hold down anymore. I used to be so confidant and ambishious. Now I am just tired and in pain.Of course there are the good moments and the wonderful times with my family, its just me. I think I finally have accepted that I cannot do things the way i used to. I guess I am the problem after all and I dont know how to unproblem myself.