Angry Right Now
I've been mood swinging today. I started off the day depressed and barely able to get out of bed, and then I got into a good mood. I managed to walk 2 miles and I could have done more, but I didn't want to push myself too far to fast, and now I'm angry. I'm mad at my mom for always losing my cousin's number, for always having to rely on me for everything. I hate having to be the responsible one... I'm the kid for crying out loud! I hate having to be my mother's mother. I think I'm in the anger stage of grief or whatever. I hope I move out of it soon, because it sucks. I just want my mom to be fine so she can keep bugging me. I'm glad I'm not up there right now because if I was I would be picking fights with her for no good reason. I can't help that I get like this... I know it's because of the bipolar, but I wish there was something I could do to make it stop. I can't talk to anyone, I can't even respond to messages right now because all it does is piss me off. I know I should be glad that I have people who want to talk to me and all that good stuff, but at the same time it becomes a responsibility. People expect me to talk back to them. I have people who IM me the second I sign on, and that gets on my nerves. Sometimes people don't get the message that when I'm constantly saying that I'm busy it means I don't want to talk to you right now, and to stop sending me messages. I also hate when people have nothing to say in conversations. If you send me an IM, have a topic you want to talk about so it's not just a hi and then nothing else.
If you want to know how I'm doing, then read my journal. I post it everywhere so people can read it... I know I write a lot, but if you cared you would read it. Don't IM me for the Cliff Notes version. I get tired of saying the same things over and over again. This rant is not directed at the people here on DS who have been kind to me, read my journals and comment on them, like Ann, BlueToes, Marie, and some others. It's to the people who IM me, knowing I have a journal and expect me to tell them everything I've already written in my journal. It also doesn't apply to people like Zee, who I message before I write my journal, and then everything in my journal is stuff she already knows.
I'm just glad right now I turned off all my notices about new emails, all my IM clients are off... it's just me and this little sheet of “paper”. It's peaceful. I get a ton of emails all day about people replying to message boards I post on, or whatever. I should turn those off, but I want to know. I just hate getting all this email in my inbox that I have to delete. I just look at it once and delete it. It seems unnecessary. I don't want any more emails tonight, but I know when I go back online to post this I'm going to have emails in my inbox. I just want peace and to be left alone, is that too much to ask?
With my mood the way it is, I'm not sure if I should try and go into work early tomorrow. I have to go to Target to get my pills, but I'm not sure if I'm going to go before or after work. It just depends on when I wake up. I'm going to set my alarm for my regular time for work and see if I wake up early. I don't know if I will or not. When I get angry like this, it could mean that the manic side is coming out and I have to worry about sleeping less and getting too high. I know I'm going to have to take some klonopin tonight to sleep... there's no way I'm going to be able to sleep without it. I'm starting to calm down, but after a swing like this it takes me hours to calm down. I need to be up for work tomorrow, and so I have to go to sleep on time tonight.
Food today was good... I was in my calorie range. I had Subway for lunch, and it was very good. Half for lunch, and then half after my walk and I met my calories. I'm glad, since I've been under for so long. I also got a Starbucks Double Shot and that's what got me through therapy. I was so tired before I could have lay down on the couch and taken a nap for the session. We will see how things go tomorrow... I don't know how it's going to turn out, but I hope it's for the best. Well, so far it's good... no emails yet. I'm calming down. I need to get off of here and sign off for the night, but I hope that things go well tomorrow and that I can be calm at work. Sleep was okay.. I got 9 hours with no nap, hence the mood swings, stress was high today with the anger, and mood was all over the place.
If you want to know how I'm doing, then read my journal. I post it everywhere so people can read it... I know I write a lot, but if you cared you would read it. Don't IM me for the Cliff Notes version. I get tired of saying the same things over and over again. This rant is not directed at the people here on DS who have been kind to me, read my journals and comment on them, like Ann, BlueToes, Marie, and some others. It's to the people who IM me, knowing I have a journal and expect me to tell them everything I've already written in my journal. It also doesn't apply to people like Zee, who I message before I write my journal, and then everything in my journal is stuff she already knows.
I'm just glad right now I turned off all my notices about new emails, all my IM clients are off... it's just me and this little sheet of “paper”. It's peaceful. I get a ton of emails all day about people replying to message boards I post on, or whatever. I should turn those off, but I want to know. I just hate getting all this email in my inbox that I have to delete. I just look at it once and delete it. It seems unnecessary. I don't want any more emails tonight, but I know when I go back online to post this I'm going to have emails in my inbox. I just want peace and to be left alone, is that too much to ask?
With my mood the way it is, I'm not sure if I should try and go into work early tomorrow. I have to go to Target to get my pills, but I'm not sure if I'm going to go before or after work. It just depends on when I wake up. I'm going to set my alarm for my regular time for work and see if I wake up early. I don't know if I will or not. When I get angry like this, it could mean that the manic side is coming out and I have to worry about sleeping less and getting too high. I know I'm going to have to take some klonopin tonight to sleep... there's no way I'm going to be able to sleep without it. I'm starting to calm down, but after a swing like this it takes me hours to calm down. I need to be up for work tomorrow, and so I have to go to sleep on time tonight.
Food today was good... I was in my calorie range. I had Subway for lunch, and it was very good. Half for lunch, and then half after my walk and I met my calories. I'm glad, since I've been under for so long. I also got a Starbucks Double Shot and that's what got me through therapy. I was so tired before I could have lay down on the couch and taken a nap for the session. We will see how things go tomorrow... I don't know how it's going to turn out, but I hope it's for the best. Well, so far it's good... no emails yet. I'm calming down. I need to get off of here and sign off for the night, but I hope that things go well tomorrow and that I can be calm at work. Sleep was okay.. I got 9 hours with no nap, hence the mood swings, stress was high today with the anger, and mood was all over the place.
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