Angry All The Time
I've been in terrible shape lately. I am angry all the time. It doesn't take much for me to just blow up and lose it. It's rage, not just normal anger. I feel like my head is going to explode and I can't seem to find a way to calm down without just breaking into tears. I have been absolutely miserable ever since I closed the shop. And I have had my fill of my sons sass. I love my family but my youngest son and my dad just make me crazy. I can hardly stand to even be around them anymore.
I have started walking a mile or more a day just so I can get away from them. Neither one of them ever leave the house, they rarely even go outside. I never have any kind of privacy or time away from them.
Dad just sits in his chair. All the time. So, I can't use the living room because he is sleeping in there or doing something nasty like cutting his toenails. And he won't bathe regularly, so he stinks something awful. He refuses to change his clothes daily as well. And somehow this is not suppose to bother me. It's making me miserable. He is a disgustingly filthy person. He always has been. I just didn't realize how bad until I moved in. I also didn't think that he would tell me to leave him alone and wave me off all the time either. I try to get him to clean up, get some sun, and stop crossing his legs because it causes back pain. He just gets mad at me and snaps at me. OK, if that's the way it is then why am I here. I moved in to take care of him. So that he didn't have to go to a home. But, he won't listen to me at all. He makes me so uncomfortable that I am stuck living in my bedroom. It's my house!!! (My mother left it to me in 1979 when she passed. But, he moved in and took it over. I had to raise my kids in a broken down house and not the best neighborhood because he was too greedy to let me have my house.) I can't invite people over because of him. No one comes over anymore anyway because he just sat there and glared at them. I can't have a life anymore because my dad is up my butt and so is my son.
My son makes me so angry that I want to just smack him because he mouths off to me. He actually cuss's at his mother. It disgusts me. But, there is nothing I have been able to do to make him show me any respect.
I am totally burnt out on taking care of these people. Their pigs. I really don't want to be anyone's maid anymore. I'm 54 and all my kids are grown. Yet, I have no freedom. And I am still having to take care of them.
I guess I must have reached a burn out stage because I am overwhelmed with anger. They tick me off constantly. I don't know what to do. The anger is beginning to consume me. It is definately screwing up my relationship with my son.
He used to be such a sweet kid. And we got along great. Since we have moved in here our relationship has begun to crumble. I hate living here, I can't stand my dad being in my business, I don't like not working , and my father's nasty habits have caused my son and I both to be a bit germaphobic.
I don't want to push my son away. I don't want to be this angry, horrible person. I just can't seem to keep it inside. I just explode. Maybe I should go back into therapy. Maybe I should try to find a job I can do with my bad back and get out of here. I'm only here to keep dad out of a home. But, it's destroying all of us. I am bitter. He wasn't there for me when I was a kid. He and my mom were divorced. And it makes me angry that he wants me to give up my life for him now.
I am angry all the time and I can't find anything that brings me joy anymore. I feel so lost. And this anger is turning me into a horrible person. I don't want to be this person.
I say "I want to go home" and my son says "This is your home". I can't accept that. This is just a house full of bad memories now. I want out of this house and this situation before I am lost forever. This is not working out. Not at all.
I have started walking a mile or more a day just so I can get away from them. Neither one of them ever leave the house, they rarely even go outside. I never have any kind of privacy or time away from them.
Dad just sits in his chair. All the time. So, I can't use the living room because he is sleeping in there or doing something nasty like cutting his toenails. And he won't bathe regularly, so he stinks something awful. He refuses to change his clothes daily as well. And somehow this is not suppose to bother me. It's making me miserable. He is a disgustingly filthy person. He always has been. I just didn't realize how bad until I moved in. I also didn't think that he would tell me to leave him alone and wave me off all the time either. I try to get him to clean up, get some sun, and stop crossing his legs because it causes back pain. He just gets mad at me and snaps at me. OK, if that's the way it is then why am I here. I moved in to take care of him. So that he didn't have to go to a home. But, he won't listen to me at all. He makes me so uncomfortable that I am stuck living in my bedroom. It's my house!!! (My mother left it to me in 1979 when she passed. But, he moved in and took it over. I had to raise my kids in a broken down house and not the best neighborhood because he was too greedy to let me have my house.) I can't invite people over because of him. No one comes over anymore anyway because he just sat there and glared at them. I can't have a life anymore because my dad is up my butt and so is my son.
My son makes me so angry that I want to just smack him because he mouths off to me. He actually cuss's at his mother. It disgusts me. But, there is nothing I have been able to do to make him show me any respect.
I am totally burnt out on taking care of these people. Their pigs. I really don't want to be anyone's maid anymore. I'm 54 and all my kids are grown. Yet, I have no freedom. And I am still having to take care of them.
I guess I must have reached a burn out stage because I am overwhelmed with anger. They tick me off constantly. I don't know what to do. The anger is beginning to consume me. It is definately screwing up my relationship with my son.
He used to be such a sweet kid. And we got along great. Since we have moved in here our relationship has begun to crumble. I hate living here, I can't stand my dad being in my business, I don't like not working , and my father's nasty habits have caused my son and I both to be a bit germaphobic.
I don't want to push my son away. I don't want to be this angry, horrible person. I just can't seem to keep it inside. I just explode. Maybe I should go back into therapy. Maybe I should try to find a job I can do with my bad back and get out of here. I'm only here to keep dad out of a home. But, it's destroying all of us. I am bitter. He wasn't there for me when I was a kid. He and my mom were divorced. And it makes me angry that he wants me to give up my life for him now.
I am angry all the time and I can't find anything that brings me joy anymore. I feel so lost. And this anger is turning me into a horrible person. I don't want to be this person.
I say "I want to go home" and my son says "This is your home". I can't accept that. This is just a house full of bad memories now. I want out of this house and this situation before I am lost forever. This is not working out. Not at all.
Replies
Hugs to you Briste. I can understand why you are so angry - you have kept it in for a long time and been patient but your life is out of control Is there anyway you can kick your dad out of YOUR house? If the house is in your name, isn\'t it legally yours. Your dad is just a tenant who\'s time is up.
I\'m glad that you can get out for a walk everyday.
Is there anywhere you can go for 2 weeks? Just to get a break and get some fresh perspective on your life.
Sending prayers and support
Thank you so much for your hug SingYourGutsOut. I am unable to leave for overnight because of my sick dog. He cries all night if I\'m not there (He is suffering from cancer and I am going to have to put him to sleep soon. He is 15 and my best friend.). Mom put it in her will that dad could live here as long as he wished even though I legally own the house. It\'s a crazy set up and kind of leaves me out in the cold. That\'s why we just moved in a few years ago. He\'s had the house since 1979 and won\'t leave. It\'s been a point of contention for a very long time. You\'re right I have been holding it in for a while now, years. I just want to live in my house and feel comfortable. I don\'t feel comfortable here. I want to go back to my \"home\", but I can\'t. I\'m kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place. Dad is helping me with my medical bills so I can\'t put him in a home. It\'s a catch 22. I don\'t know. I keep hoping things will get better but I\'m not seeing any change and I feel tied down and held back from life...because I have to take care of these people.
That\'s one reason why I started walking. So that I could just get away and think. It helps a lot. And so do your hugs and support. Thanks again. And hugs to you as well. One day they sky will be brighter and we may be able to find peace. :)