Angry

Today I feel angry with myself... I decided to give my husband another chance after he was unfaithful to me. I have been through hell and back in this marriage. Along with other problems we have because of his family I have come to a decision on finally leaving. Yet there is a part of me that still wants to stay. We have recently purchased a home and we have two daughters. But I honestly feel like a single parent and I can't remember the last time we slept in the same bed. A year ago we went to a retreat with the church we belong to and things felt like they were getting better. But he comes home from work eats and then retreats to the bedroom he sleeps in. We only really have conversations when we need to discuss something. One of his brother's committed suicide about 3 months ago and I have to say that I feel even more alone. I had to quit my job because of some problems and I asked if he could help me stay on track with my bills. Yes I know he pays for everything but I already have a job to replace it with. I am just waiting to start working because it is a new business. He told me he couldn't help me because I got myself into debt. I am willing to accept the debt but I didn't spend it on things that were unnecessary. I bought new furniture for my daughter's room then other stuff is clothes for my kids etc. But whenever his family needs something he never complains. Or when someone else asks for a favor he is happy to help. The only time he wants something is when he wants sex. Yes I call it sex because I don't even get pleasure. It is all about him and his needs. I feel so exhausted and I have been so depressed and stressed. He doesn't even help me out with the girls and I have been trying to get help. I just need a little time to myself. I have so much anger I just want to go and scream until I can't anymore. But I have two beautiful girls who need me. Sometimes I am so frustrated with him that I take it out by yelling at my girls. I hate the person I have become. I use to be a go getter and never gave up. I blame myself but deep down I hurt still. I hurt from his unfaithfulness, from his lack of love and I question if he ever loved me. I have asked him several times but he says he does. Yet he never makes me feel loved. To put things into perspective...th t day we got married at the court house, he complemented how nice our witness looked instead of me. I am not skinny but I don't think I look that bad. When I actually can give myself a little time I can look nice. I feel so alone and I just want to be loved and appreciated. I feel like I am driving on autopilot... I have lost myself in the process.