Anger, Lonelyness, Scared
Today I'm all over the place. It's techniqually the day after you passed away David. The 14th of November will always be a day in my heart that is forever destroyed. I'm honestly angry as hell at everyone on the planet. And honestly I'm mad at you as well. Did you ask the doctor about blood clots?? Why didn't I go and ask for you and why didn't I remind you? Or did I? That week is all but a blur to me now. My heart aches and I still have this cold hand wrapped around it squeezing tightly on it. I haven't called your mom and haven't seen her since Thanksgiving. I know she's hurting also but I feel so damn guilty that I couldn't save her son. Her first born son! I'm angry at God or whoever is in charge of this master plan because they took you away from me. I'm mad at you for leaving me, even though I know in my heart you'd never leave me if you had the choice! Why didn't I see anything that morning and why didn't you say anything?? I'm so damn alone even when I'm with family and friends. I'm ancious and scared. I've started cleaning stuff out of our home and started selling things that you wanted and stuff we were going to use for our home. The kids are not sure what's going on, granted they are cats but still they miss you so much. They are all over me when I'm home but I can only be home so much. The mornings are the worst waking up and knowing I'm still this bloody nightmare!
I haven't really cried I think, tears here and there over the past few weeks. Some days they just keep rolling and I can't stop them. Some days I can't think and don't want to think and don't want to feel. The pain is just too much! I'm scared to do this on my own. You promised me a hundred years and granted I knew that was never going to happen. But, I figured we'd have at least another twenty years together. We only had 11 years barely and I was only legally your wife for eight years! I know you are shocked and surprised that I allowed your ex-wife the woman I despise and hate for everything she did to you and us, but still allowed her to come to the hospital and see you and then allowed her at the funeral. But, I would hope someone would allow me that same kindness when it is Michael's time. Even though we had our differences and I did leave him for you as you well know I did. I know I' be able to handle his death a lot more than I'm handleing yours but you were and are my life, my soul and my reason for living.
I do not know if I can honestly do this without you. It's been a month tomorrow. Yet, it still feels like you've been gone forever, and then it feels like you were gone just yesterday. It feels like you've left me and your going to wake up and realize you messed up and come back to me at anytime. But, I know this wrong because I can see your picture on your Urn next to our bed! I'm not at home tonight. I'm at Melanie's. I made up your Corn Casserole to take to Becca's first Christmas party at their new house! You should be here with me. She's the daughter we never had and the granddaughter she had that day we both watched come into the world. My heart breaks that you won't be able to see her grow up through your own eyes. I pray to whoever is listening that you can see us.
The afterlife and what goes on afer we die I honestly do not know what to believe with it. Is there a heaven or is their nothing but blackness? I know that feeling when you've been somewhere before or know someone that you shouldn't know but do. We've always had that connection between us. You are my world and my life and I honestly do not know. Jake just came in and started messing with me. He's been great throughout this. As you may know I spent the first two weeks here with Melanie, Jake and Jason after you passed away. Helping me through this. He came out to the house a few times, helped finish putting stuff up to seal the house so I do not freeze! You did do a great job around the front door though - I ish you were hear to help me finish the house! I do not want to have to give it up but I have no choice! I can't finish the building on my own and I have no one to come and stay with me, I have no money to do it and I'm going to have to fight the insurance company.
I love you my love and I always will! You are my world, my life, my soul and no matter what I'm always going to be yours! Your totally pain in the arse, but loving wife
Patty!
I haven't really cried I think, tears here and there over the past few weeks. Some days they just keep rolling and I can't stop them. Some days I can't think and don't want to think and don't want to feel. The pain is just too much! I'm scared to do this on my own. You promised me a hundred years and granted I knew that was never going to happen. But, I figured we'd have at least another twenty years together. We only had 11 years barely and I was only legally your wife for eight years! I know you are shocked and surprised that I allowed your ex-wife the woman I despise and hate for everything she did to you and us, but still allowed her to come to the hospital and see you and then allowed her at the funeral. But, I would hope someone would allow me that same kindness when it is Michael's time. Even though we had our differences and I did leave him for you as you well know I did. I know I' be able to handle his death a lot more than I'm handleing yours but you were and are my life, my soul and my reason for living.
I do not know if I can honestly do this without you. It's been a month tomorrow. Yet, it still feels like you've been gone forever, and then it feels like you were gone just yesterday. It feels like you've left me and your going to wake up and realize you messed up and come back to me at anytime. But, I know this wrong because I can see your picture on your Urn next to our bed! I'm not at home tonight. I'm at Melanie's. I made up your Corn Casserole to take to Becca's first Christmas party at their new house! You should be here with me. She's the daughter we never had and the granddaughter she had that day we both watched come into the world. My heart breaks that you won't be able to see her grow up through your own eyes. I pray to whoever is listening that you can see us.
The afterlife and what goes on afer we die I honestly do not know what to believe with it. Is there a heaven or is their nothing but blackness? I know that feeling when you've been somewhere before or know someone that you shouldn't know but do. We've always had that connection between us. You are my world and my life and I honestly do not know. Jake just came in and started messing with me. He's been great throughout this. As you may know I spent the first two weeks here with Melanie, Jake and Jason after you passed away. Helping me through this. He came out to the house a few times, helped finish putting stuff up to seal the house so I do not freeze! You did do a great job around the front door though - I ish you were hear to help me finish the house! I do not want to have to give it up but I have no choice! I can't finish the building on my own and I have no one to come and stay with me, I have no money to do it and I'm going to have to fight the insurance company.
I love you my love and I always will! You are my world, my life, my soul and no matter what I'm always going to be yours! Your totally pain in the arse, but loving wife
Patty!
Replies
Patty david IS IN HEAVEN... you can be angry for now, but as time passes you will realize it wasnt your doing...it wasnt gods either...youll see...i know because i was never angry at god. God would never want your david dead or bring him illness or disease..if you can just say a prayer to god to carry you, he will. I was never religious. But after sean died my whole world changed...not that, that is meant all bad but some good has come out of it. My spirit has grown and so i pray that you have a good cry, scream and,wail and tell god and david what you need or why your so upset. He does listen. Im here too. Feel free to vent anytime. Much love and hugs carla
Thanks hun! I\'m ust so angry right now still! David and I had so many plans he\'d just retired and after his first marriage being hell - did you know we had a pheonix rising on one of our four cakes - his wish because that\'s what he felt like - he\'d been reborn with me in a since. It just seems so all unfair to me and it might be selfish and I\'m not a big religious person and there are so many evil people in the world and he didn\'t need to take my David yet. Now I\'m on my own none of my family close by and well my family was never really close. His and our friends have been my rocks - but yet at the same time I just need and want him. I don\'t want to be alone without him. Just the way I feel right now! I know in time it might change but it\'s all still so raw for me.