Anger - life is not fair
I did not deserve this. Life is so cruel and unfair. Just when my dream was coming true, then this. I am 55, I had my son when I was 32, and spent the last 20 years raising him more or less single handed. I worried about him, supported him, loved him and then eventually set him free. For the first time in my life I am living in my dream place, debt free and have finally been able to quit my job.
This was supposed to be 'my time'. My dream had finally come true after years or work and worry. Then 3 months later, my only child is dead and he took his own life, and I am living with my 81 year old father who has just been diagnosed with cancer 3 weeks after my son killed himself.
Like someone else said, I am so sick of being 'strong' and everyone telling me how well I am coping. They don;t see me in the car crying and screaming, why God, why?
I still just can't believe it. He was my life, my everything, the only good thing I thought I had ever done. When he was 2 I got pregnant and my then husband told me he no longer loved me and took me for an abortion, so I have the terrible guilt in knowing that i killed a child. I have always regretted this, and now I am left childless, this is a living hell.
I loved Toby so much and tried to give him everything, maybe that was the problem and this is how he repaid me. I am so angry with him and then feel terrible for feeling angry. I resent having to care fo rmy Dad who has cancer, because I am screaming out, 'Can't I just have time to grieve? but no I have to cook the dinner for him and do the laundry and do the shopping when all I can think is 'My son is dead'.
It doesn;t seem real yet, it is all a nightmare and I keep hoping I will wake up but I know I won't. This is it now, for the rest of my life I have to live with the thought every day for the rest of my life that my son is dead and he killed himself. After all I did, all the sleepless nights, all the thousands of pounds I gave him, all the love, all the support and then this is how he turned out, dead in a field.
I know OI am not alone, and I know in time I will find a way to have a life, but no mother should ever have to have a knock on the door at 10 pm telling her her only child is dead. No mother should have to go to a field and see where her son sat down and suffocated himself. No Mom should have to see her son lying dead in a coffin, it is just not something I ever thought I would have to face and still can't believe this had happened.
Then 6 days after the funeral I have to take my Dad to hospital to be told he had cancer and all I can think is 'I can't cope with this'. But what choice do I have? WHo else is going to look after him and take him to hospital. But I need time to grieve for my son?
Life is cruel, and unfair but I owe it to myself to fight this.
This was supposed to be 'my time'. My dream had finally come true after years or work and worry. Then 3 months later, my only child is dead and he took his own life, and I am living with my 81 year old father who has just been diagnosed with cancer 3 weeks after my son killed himself.
Like someone else said, I am so sick of being 'strong' and everyone telling me how well I am coping. They don;t see me in the car crying and screaming, why God, why?
I still just can't believe it. He was my life, my everything, the only good thing I thought I had ever done. When he was 2 I got pregnant and my then husband told me he no longer loved me and took me for an abortion, so I have the terrible guilt in knowing that i killed a child. I have always regretted this, and now I am left childless, this is a living hell.
I loved Toby so much and tried to give him everything, maybe that was the problem and this is how he repaid me. I am so angry with him and then feel terrible for feeling angry. I resent having to care fo rmy Dad who has cancer, because I am screaming out, 'Can't I just have time to grieve? but no I have to cook the dinner for him and do the laundry and do the shopping when all I can think is 'My son is dead'.
It doesn;t seem real yet, it is all a nightmare and I keep hoping I will wake up but I know I won't. This is it now, for the rest of my life I have to live with the thought every day for the rest of my life that my son is dead and he killed himself. After all I did, all the sleepless nights, all the thousands of pounds I gave him, all the love, all the support and then this is how he turned out, dead in a field.
I know OI am not alone, and I know in time I will find a way to have a life, but no mother should ever have to have a knock on the door at 10 pm telling her her only child is dead. No mother should have to go to a field and see where her son sat down and suffocated himself. No Mom should have to see her son lying dead in a coffin, it is just not something I ever thought I would have to face and still can't believe this had happened.
Then 6 days after the funeral I have to take my Dad to hospital to be told he had cancer and all I can think is 'I can't cope with this'. But what choice do I have? WHo else is going to look after him and take him to hospital. But I need time to grieve for my son?
Life is cruel, and unfair but I owe it to myself to fight this.
Replies
Sweet Ann I agree completely life is very unfair. You have been dealt an unbelievable hard hand. I too am going to face the rest of my life knowing that my son killed himself. The why\'s never stop. I felt anger too, I couldn\'t understand how Jason could he do this to his daughter that he loved so much. I wish I knew why some people seem to have a blessed life and others have only sorrow. I pray you find some peace. Terry
Oh Ann, I am so, so sorry. I hear your anger and pain and I know what it is like. My son Greg died by suicide on Feb. 6, 2009, he was 19. It doesn\'t make sense...it hurts so much. My heart is broken for you...I will keep both you and Toby in my heart...My tears are falling for both Toby and Greg. Peace and Love, Anne
There are times life just really sucks and is so very not fair. Just journal here whenever you can - we will read, listen and understand - at times even offer an opinion or two. Here\'s to hoping you can find a moment of peace and gentleness in the storm of your life. Hugs, Ann
Ann...it is so hard. It is so hard to understand how and why these things happen. I am sure that your son struggled with depression. It is such a powerful illness. You have every right to feel whatever you feel...anger, disappointment...confusion...whatever. I do want you to know that life can be good again...but it IS a long journey. You sound like a woman with determination and I am sure that will help you to get through your father\'s illness. Take gentle care of yoruself...love and hugs...Karen
Dear Ann, my heart sunk so as I read your journal, thank you for the little insight into your life now. This unfair life we share...stinks! I hope you continue to write,,it does help,,,peace to your heart,,Nora
So much heartache and loss... I am so sorry. Trying to care for your father and grieve too is a heavy burden and so challenging. I\'m sure you feel as if you are in pieces giving a little here and a little there to not have enough just for you. Please continue to write and feel the support and loving care that is here for you. I feel the weariness of your soul and of course, you are feeling this way. Your dear son, Toby... felt in that moment I am sure that he had no other choice. Depression is a cruel disease. Gentle care this day and I\'m so very sorry for the loss of your son and in that your hopes and dreams. I understand this heartbreak and it is so unfair, you are right. Hugs, Joanie
I am so very sorry. It is unfair. I\'m so sorry that you are not able to grieve fully the loss of your son due to your fathers illness. It seems when it rains, it pours. I lost my father a year after my son, then my father in law the next year. However, neither of those were remotely as painful as the loss of my son. I have lost a brother and a boyfriend to suicide so I know that the questions of \"why\" will forever be in the back of your mind. I pray in time that you can find a way to grieve so you can heal. Remember you are loved and we are here to help. Much love. Robin
I have been searching and searching for the answers to the question WHY suicide? I have exhausted the internet...books...articles...counselors...so much to go through and still not know for certain. Your sorrow matches my own....your journal is identical to many who have experienced this very death..this grief...this horrific loss...and no...life is not fair...that is the only concrete thing here on this earth...the cruelty of it all. But life is eternal and that is a promise from God...His grace covers us all and that includes his troubled children who cannot take this life anymore and have some kind of emotional sickness that would cause them to take their own life. He never forsakes us...even though life does not turn out the way we would like....He knows the bigger picture...we cannot. You are in my heart and I will pray that God gives you a peace that passes all understanding. Much love...dale, brandon\'s mom
So unfair indeed. I am so very sorry for your loss. You will be in my prayers. Love, Suzannah