Anger - life is not fair
I did not deserve this. Life is so cruel and unfair. Just when my dream was coming true, then this. I am 55, I had my son when I was 32, and spent the last 20 years raising him more or less single handed. I worried about him, supported him, loved him and then eventually set him free. For the first time in my life I am living in my dream place, debt free and have finally been able to quit my job.
This was supposed to be 'my time'. My dream had finally come true after years or work and worry. Then 3 months later, my only child is dead and he took his own life, and I am living with my 81 year old father who has just been diagnosed with cancer 3 weeks after my son killed himself.
Like someone else said, I am so sick of being 'strong' and everyone telling me how well I am coping. They don;t see me in the car crying and screaming, why God, why?
I still just can't believe it. He was my life, my everything, the only good thing I thought I had ever done. When he was 2 I got pregnant and my then husband told me he no longer loved me and took me for an abortion, so I have the terrible guilt in knowing that i killed a child. I have always regretted this, and now I am left childless, this is a living hell.
I loved Toby so much and tried to give him everything, maybe that was the problem and this is how he repaid me. I am so angry with him and then feel terrible for feeling angry. I resent having to care fo rmy Dad who has cancer, because I am screaming out, 'Can't I just have time to grieve? but no I have to cook the dinner for him and do the laundry and do the shopping when all I can think is 'My son is dead'.
It doesn;t seem real yet, it is all a nightmare and I keep hoping I will wake up but I know I won't. This is it now, for the rest of my life I have to live with the thought every day for the rest of my life that my son is dead and he killed himself. After all I did, all the sleepless nights, all the thousands of pounds I gave him, all the love, all the support and then this is how he turned out, dead in a field.
I know OI am not alone, and I know in time I will find a way to have a life, but no mother should ever have to have a knock on the door at 10 pm telling her her only child is dead. No mother should have to go to a field and see where her son sat down and suffocated himself. No Mom should have to see her son lying dead in a coffin, it is just not something I ever thought I would have to face and still can't believe this had happened.
Then 6 days after the funeral I have to take my Dad to hospital to be told he had cancer and all I can think is 'I can't cope with this'. But what choice do I have? WHo else is going to look after him and take him to hospital. But I need time to grieve for my son?
Life is cruel, and unfair but I owe it to myself to fight this.
This was supposed to be 'my time'. My dream had finally come true after years or work and worry. Then 3 months later, my only child is dead and he took his own life, and I am living with my 81 year old father who has just been diagnosed with cancer 3 weeks after my son killed himself.
Like someone else said, I am so sick of being 'strong' and everyone telling me how well I am coping. They don;t see me in the car crying and screaming, why God, why?
I still just can't believe it. He was my life, my everything, the only good thing I thought I had ever done. When he was 2 I got pregnant and my then husband told me he no longer loved me and took me for an abortion, so I have the terrible guilt in knowing that i killed a child. I have always regretted this, and now I am left childless, this is a living hell.
I loved Toby so much and tried to give him everything, maybe that was the problem and this is how he repaid me. I am so angry with him and then feel terrible for feeling angry. I resent having to care fo rmy Dad who has cancer, because I am screaming out, 'Can't I just have time to grieve? but no I have to cook the dinner for him and do the laundry and do the shopping when all I can think is 'My son is dead'.
It doesn;t seem real yet, it is all a nightmare and I keep hoping I will wake up but I know I won't. This is it now, for the rest of my life I have to live with the thought every day for the rest of my life that my son is dead and he killed himself. After all I did, all the sleepless nights, all the thousands of pounds I gave him, all the love, all the support and then this is how he turned out, dead in a field.
I know OI am not alone, and I know in time I will find a way to have a life, but no mother should ever have to have a knock on the door at 10 pm telling her her only child is dead. No mother should have to go to a field and see where her son sat down and suffocated himself. No Mom should have to see her son lying dead in a coffin, it is just not something I ever thought I would have to face and still can't believe this had happened.
Then 6 days after the funeral I have to take my Dad to hospital to be told he had cancer and all I can think is 'I can't cope with this'. But what choice do I have? WHo else is going to look after him and take him to hospital. But I need time to grieve for my son?
Life is cruel, and unfair but I owe it to myself to fight this.
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