anger fades to sadness
I'm sure people are tired of reading about my sorrows but this is my place to let it out.
***
I haven't been able to make it to church for 6 weeks. Two of those were general meetings that didn't include Sunday school. So, I have missed teaching my class for 4 weeks.
***
I have taught for about 15 years. I think I have missed about 2 or 3 sundays a year, even through all of the years I have had ME/CFS.
***
My husband came home from church today and said that someone had been called to teach sunday school and he was in my classroom teaching. I don't know if he is replacing me or if he was just helping out today and is assigned a different age group.
***
That's the point. I don't know what is going on. At first I was upset that nobody called me, and now I am just sad. My heart hurts.
***
I was thinking about talking to our Church's leader and telling him that I needed to be released from teaching, but I hadn't said anything yet. I keep thinking this flare will pass and I will be able to function again. So strange that nobody has said anything to me. Whatever the situation, inside of my sadness, I think someone should have let me know.
***
Over the years I've had kids and parents tell me they appreciate what I've done for them or their kids. It's nice to feel like maybe I've made a difference. I've mostly taught 16 to 18 year olds, a few years I taught adult classes.
***
I have been going through the ole "one more thing this illness is taking from me"- feeling. But, I try to move through it.
***
People just don't understand what this illness does. What it's like. Especially in a Church that is filled with people trying to be of service and doing good and rushing around.
***
I had borrowed a friend's quilt frame for some projects I was working on. She told me I could use it for as long as I needed it because it was just sitting in her basement and had been for years. Someone from the church just came to pick it up to work on a quilting project. I have felt so sick these past several weeks that I hadn't got around to working on my last quilt. Now I don't have a frame. Timing. My symptoms flare and life goes on without me.
***
I feel like I don't have any friends (except my virtual friends here at DS - and I'm not sure they remember who I am. hahahahaha. Sorry, just some brain fog humor). I realized that my friends are at my church and if I'm not at my church I don't see my friends. There are a few that have e-mailed me here and there, now and then over the years, and I thought we were friends, but I haven't heard from them (in a friendship way) in months. I just realized how long it has been. Wow. That's not so cool.
***
My siblings are spread out all over the country and since my mom died 8 years ago we haven't gotten together much. This illness is a very lonely thing.
***
It just feels strange to be forgotten. I'm not one for fanfare and I don't like people making a big deal over things, especially me. I just thought someone would call me about the sunday school thing. First, I lose my sunday school class (maybe - whether they replaced me or not I need to ask for a release because the truth of the matter is that I can't teach right now) and then the quilting frame. I know this sounds foolish, but it feels like everything is being taken from me. It isn't. It just feels that way right now.
***
This is when the little things become big things because I don't feel well enough to replace what I've lost with something else. This illness doesn't often allow for replacements. It's not like I can run out and make new friends, find somebody to teach when I feel like it, or build myself a quilting frame.
***
Like I said, it's just timing and how things fall into, or out, of place sometimes. I feel a bit lost. Mostly just sad. It will pass. I'll shed a few tears and life will go on.
***
carry on
***
I haven't been able to make it to church for 6 weeks. Two of those were general meetings that didn't include Sunday school. So, I have missed teaching my class for 4 weeks.
***
I have taught for about 15 years. I think I have missed about 2 or 3 sundays a year, even through all of the years I have had ME/CFS.
***
My husband came home from church today and said that someone had been called to teach sunday school and he was in my classroom teaching. I don't know if he is replacing me or if he was just helping out today and is assigned a different age group.
***
That's the point. I don't know what is going on. At first I was upset that nobody called me, and now I am just sad. My heart hurts.
***
I was thinking about talking to our Church's leader and telling him that I needed to be released from teaching, but I hadn't said anything yet. I keep thinking this flare will pass and I will be able to function again. So strange that nobody has said anything to me. Whatever the situation, inside of my sadness, I think someone should have let me know.
***
Over the years I've had kids and parents tell me they appreciate what I've done for them or their kids. It's nice to feel like maybe I've made a difference. I've mostly taught 16 to 18 year olds, a few years I taught adult classes.
***
I have been going through the ole "one more thing this illness is taking from me"- feeling. But, I try to move through it.
***
People just don't understand what this illness does. What it's like. Especially in a Church that is filled with people trying to be of service and doing good and rushing around.
***
I had borrowed a friend's quilt frame for some projects I was working on. She told me I could use it for as long as I needed it because it was just sitting in her basement and had been for years. Someone from the church just came to pick it up to work on a quilting project. I have felt so sick these past several weeks that I hadn't got around to working on my last quilt. Now I don't have a frame. Timing. My symptoms flare and life goes on without me.
***
I feel like I don't have any friends (except my virtual friends here at DS - and I'm not sure they remember who I am. hahahahaha. Sorry, just some brain fog humor). I realized that my friends are at my church and if I'm not at my church I don't see my friends. There are a few that have e-mailed me here and there, now and then over the years, and I thought we were friends, but I haven't heard from them (in a friendship way) in months. I just realized how long it has been. Wow. That's not so cool.
***
My siblings are spread out all over the country and since my mom died 8 years ago we haven't gotten together much. This illness is a very lonely thing.
***
It just feels strange to be forgotten. I'm not one for fanfare and I don't like people making a big deal over things, especially me. I just thought someone would call me about the sunday school thing. First, I lose my sunday school class (maybe - whether they replaced me or not I need to ask for a release because the truth of the matter is that I can't teach right now) and then the quilting frame. I know this sounds foolish, but it feels like everything is being taken from me. It isn't. It just feels that way right now.
***
This is when the little things become big things because I don't feel well enough to replace what I've lost with something else. This illness doesn't often allow for replacements. It's not like I can run out and make new friends, find somebody to teach when I feel like it, or build myself a quilting frame.
***
Like I said, it's just timing and how things fall into, or out, of place sometimes. I feel a bit lost. Mostly just sad. It will pass. I'll shed a few tears and life will go on.
***
carry on
Replies
Katy,
Thanks for your honesty and the brain fog joke was a good one (although it took me a second). Haha.
My religious views have changed so much that I have almost stopping going to church, although I still want to be like Jesus (in some ways, I really don\'t know how well I know him now) . I really now go just for the people and music. My closer friends know about my health, but it\'s almost like they don\'t want to be around a sick person or someone who can\'t get out and do something (although there are a few exceptions).
From what I\'ve gathered from our digital conversations, if you were teaching Sunday School in my town, I would probably be there. I would be interested to hear what you would have taught in Sunday School. Seriously. So if you feel like posting a lesson, please do and I\'ll respond. No pressure though.
Brent