Anger/Codependency
I find that I am angry most at my mother. She is the one who didn't protect me and make sure that my needs were met when I needed her to (when I was a child). Now I walk around all day with a horrible anxious sensation that is the symptom of codependent type thoughts (I am not loved, I am not good enough, etc., why hasn't he called, no one wants to do anything with me...I don't want to go to the gym, grocery shopping, study, etc. alone). I blew up on my mom a few months ago and we haven't spoken in 5 months. As Melanie Beattie put it it is better to detach in anger than to continue harmful relationships - and she was saying and doing some hurtful stuff. Stuff that I was no longer willing to just brush off. But the good news is I have had time to cool off. I am so much less angry now. I have begun to deal with my past, finally, I have come to understand that blaming her isn't going to bring back my childhood. And it isn't going to help me as an adult to be responsible for making sure my needs are met.I know I have a long way to go but my hope is that soon I will be able to talk to my mother and tell her that I forgive her because she is human and I know that deep down she did the best she could. I hope that by the time I have a child, I will have had a chance to deal with these things so that he/she, they will be a healthier kid(s) and healthier adult(s).
Replies
It is hard when it comes to parents, or at least the parent you have left. I say this for I have completely given up on my father and have not spoken to him in about 16 years or more. My mother was left, and I think there was a lot I did not see, because she was the lesser of two evils, so to say. I have seen a lot in the way she has brought us up, specially me. Many times she was not there when I seemed to need her most.
I have not lived with my mother sense I was 13 years old. At the same time she has helped me, but just not consistently, leaving me feeling afraid when the ball was gonna drop. The thing is, if I was completely independent of anyone, it would be a lot easier, but I have had a hard time doing everything by myself without outside help, specially from my mother. I do not like getting her help, but many times I need to.
Right now it is even that much harder being on disability due to the nerve damage in my legs, and because of inconsistent mental problems. I have worked all of my life, but just not very consistently, and moved from one job to another due to my ADHD. Now I feel I pay for it, by renting an apartment from my mother.
Usually there is not a problem if I keep my distance and do not need her to much, and have a sort of separation. It is when I am hurting for whatever it may be, such as needing a ride, because I am in a lot of pain, or my car broke down etc. Needing extra money to make it through the month, cause my ADHD acted up, I got bored and spent on crap that I do not want or need just to satisfy that boredom.
There is something said to want your freedom, but at the same time having to rely on someone that is not very consistent. I hope I did not tangent to far off, and that you understand where I am coming from. LOL