Anger and bitterness.
My mom's boyfriend passed away this past week, and was buried on Friday. I met him a few times, quite a friendly person. He was 94, so it was his time to go.
The thing is that I have absolutely no sympathy with my mom! I feel bitter and angry with her and everyone who is mourning his death. This is so wrong!! I still feel angry that everybody around me is carrying on with their lives, while they treat me as if Colleen never existed!! I feel angry and bitter towards everyone around me here! Especially my mom! The death of her friend just opened up so much pain and hurt inside me again. I have become a person I don't know at all. Not a nice person at all!!
After my husband died, many people came to support my brother-in-law and my mom-in-law, but only a few people extended their condolences with me. (We stayed with my in-laws during his sickness). Colleen and I were kicked out of their home one month later. After Colleen's passing, family and friends kept me at a distance. I still only have my best friend and my 2 older children who care to understand and support me. I hate this life, and feel like crying every morning I wake up. But I know I have to keep on living, because God wants me to. I just don't understand why!
The thing is that I have absolutely no sympathy with my mom! I feel bitter and angry with her and everyone who is mourning his death. This is so wrong!! I still feel angry that everybody around me is carrying on with their lives, while they treat me as if Colleen never existed!! I feel angry and bitter towards everyone around me here! Especially my mom! The death of her friend just opened up so much pain and hurt inside me again. I have become a person I don't know at all. Not a nice person at all!!
After my husband died, many people came to support my brother-in-law and my mom-in-law, but only a few people extended their condolences with me. (We stayed with my in-laws during his sickness). Colleen and I were kicked out of their home one month later. After Colleen's passing, family and friends kept me at a distance. I still only have my best friend and my 2 older children who care to understand and support me. I hate this life, and feel like crying every morning I wake up. But I know I have to keep on living, because God wants me to. I just don't understand why!
Replies
My dear sweet SOTH-Andelene, How I wish I was at your side to just hug you. You are such an amazing woman, after all you raised your precious Colleen. There are days on this journey when we just feel like we are so overwhelmed. That is me everyday.....I know that God has a plan for us, in His time. Please know that you are valued and appreciated for being YOU! Loving hugs, Debbie
I am so sorry. I too wish I could be there to give you a huge hug. I can truly understand the pain and heartbreak you are feeling. I can also relate to the feelings of anger. You are right. We sometimes don\'t recognize ourselves. You are not alone. It is a part of the grief process. It is hard to feel sad when a 94 year old man dies so I get your feelings towards your mom.
Just feel the feelings - yell, scream, throw things (not the fine china) and punch pillows. And let the tears flow. Do whatever works for you release the emotions.
You now have friends around the world who understand and care.
Love and tight hugs,
Marlene
I am so sorry. I\'d also love to be there to give you a big hug. I understand being angry. Sometimes when I am home alone, I just scream till I can\'t anymore. Sounds odd maybe, but it helps to get it out. Hope you are able to find some moments of peace today. Tightest hugs, Paula
It all seems so unfair. I wish a bunch of us soths could be near you to offer support and give you what you deserve. I don\'t know why people are so uncomfortable around the younger people who have passed away. I saw that with my sister in law and with Josh. (The daughters of the sister in law reached out to us after Josh died, sweet girls!) Most people just don\'t understand how it increases our grief because they do not understand death in anything but very old people. Like I said, it is unfair and I am sorry. Big hugs, dear friend, you are loved here!!!
With you in all the feelings and lean into them all as you need to dear friend.
Oh, how I understand wondering who we are and have become...
Please be gentle with yourself as you poke around in your feelings and know that they are just that, feelings... neither right nor wrong, good nor bad, and they are ever changing just as you are.
Everyone carries a sorrow I have discovered and for them they are significant. For us, we are members of the club no one dares to want to think of or ever wants to join, so sometimes keeping us at arm\'s length may help them to believe that it will never, ever happen to them??? Not sure, yet it certainly can feel that way, can\'t it?
Understanding, caring and sending you SO much loving care today and in the days ahead.
Love to Colleen and her forever mum,
XO Joanie
Andelene, I can not imagine the devastating events after your husbands death that you must\'ve experienced. I have to ask how people can be so cruel?
However, the experience of the death of a child and having little to no support or outreach of sympathy I can truly identify with. To this day it takes just a millisecond for me to get really angry at so many people in my past life that never even acknowledged Jason\'s death. I am not the person I was. Anger was never something I was comfortable with, I grew up where \"good girls didn\'t get angry\" and one of my Dad\'s favorites \"Stop your crying or I\'ll give you something to cry about\".
Today, my anger is instant and consuming and crushing. I too do not know this person I have become yet, here I am. Do I like her? NO! Am I going to have to learn to accept her? Probably...
I do not understand why either. I can attempt to rationalize things out (which I did very well before my child died) yet now, nothing, and I mean nothing makes sense...
Please keep journaling. Your feelings and experiences are so valid and important!
serious hugs,
Merrilee