angelversary on thursday/PTSD
I just asked my math prof for the day off on thursday, despite the fact that we have an exam. I just know i'm going to have a breakdown that day, i'm already having panic attacks and randomly crying. I hope she understands, but to people who've never lost a baby it doesn't seem like much of a reason to miss school does it?
I'm making an appointment this week to ask my doctor for sleeping pills and asking her about PTSD. i realized last night that its only getting worse. Every time someone leaves me here at home alone i double check the locks and lock myself in my room. We keep a gun in the closet, and i leave the door open so i can run in and grab it if anything happens. I can't sleep alone, i'm afraid of the dark for God's sake!! Last nite i kept hearing noises all nite, i checked the whole house with my fingers on the speeddial for 911 and stood ontop of my stairs waiting and shaking for over ten minutes. I'm jumpy and can't sleep and i just keep waiting for something horrible to happen.
It's affecting EVERYTHING in my life. I told Sophia's daddy last nite and just cried and cried and he said he doesn't want me on a bunch of meds either (i don't want to be sedated constantly either), but that i should talk to my doctor. I looked up the symptoms last nite and it just describes my mental state perfectly.
I want to just quit school and crawl in my bed so badly. I want my baby girl. She was my entire world. She was my reason to finish my degree, she still is. But i need her here with me so much it hurts. I feel like someone just gutted me, maybe i died giving birth and this is hell.
aaarrrggghh! Frustrating. But i am OK!!! I CAN DO THIS!! i am smart i can finish my term, i don't have to get an A on every exam! Sophia is watching out for me, Patty is watching out for me and i am strong enough to get through this!! Positive thoughts. lol, i'm going back to my books now... i'll update when i'm feeling slightly more human. : )
I'm making an appointment this week to ask my doctor for sleeping pills and asking her about PTSD. i realized last night that its only getting worse. Every time someone leaves me here at home alone i double check the locks and lock myself in my room. We keep a gun in the closet, and i leave the door open so i can run in and grab it if anything happens. I can't sleep alone, i'm afraid of the dark for God's sake!! Last nite i kept hearing noises all nite, i checked the whole house with my fingers on the speeddial for 911 and stood ontop of my stairs waiting and shaking for over ten minutes. I'm jumpy and can't sleep and i just keep waiting for something horrible to happen.
It's affecting EVERYTHING in my life. I told Sophia's daddy last nite and just cried and cried and he said he doesn't want me on a bunch of meds either (i don't want to be sedated constantly either), but that i should talk to my doctor. I looked up the symptoms last nite and it just describes my mental state perfectly.
I want to just quit school and crawl in my bed so badly. I want my baby girl. She was my entire world. She was my reason to finish my degree, she still is. But i need her here with me so much it hurts. I feel like someone just gutted me, maybe i died giving birth and this is hell.
aaarrrggghh! Frustrating. But i am OK!!! I CAN DO THIS!! i am smart i can finish my term, i don't have to get an A on every exam! Sophia is watching out for me, Patty is watching out for me and i am strong enough to get through this!! Positive thoughts. lol, i'm going back to my books now... i'll update when i'm feeling slightly more human. : )
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