Angel Day?
This is my first journal entry and probably doing it wrong. I've been reading everything you have all written in - everyday. Even though I haven't had the strength to write it helps me so much to read all of your entries. I keep hearing the term Angel Day and I'm assuming that is the anniversary of the passing of your loved one? I admire you all so much, because I hear such encouraging positive attitudes, that I haven't wanted to write because I didn't want to come across negative and bring anyone down. I guess because it is still so fresh to me - - tomorrow will be 2 months. I haven't even begun to think about how I will feel when a year anniversay comes around. I think of "angel" as so peaceful and nice but I don't feel peaceful and nice at all right now. I can't help but think that I won't be as brave as you all with a celebration on that day. I think I will want to curl up and sleep and cry, or run away until the day is over. Maybe by then I will feel differently. Right now it is one day at a time. What happens when the first birthday comes? Do you celebrate? or do you just again hide the day away so nobody is uncomfortable and not know what to say to you? How did you all know how to handle these days?
There is also another thing I don't know how to handle. What do you say when you meet people and they ask if you have children? I want to say 2, a daughter and a son, because he was my son for 29 years!! I can't pretend he isn't anymore. But if I do, the next question is always something like "Are they in college?, what do they do?, etc." Then what????? If I say my son just died there is going to be an awful uncomfortable silence. I just don't know how to handle all this and have a million questions.
Sorry this went on so long...........
There is also another thing I don't know how to handle. What do you say when you meet people and they ask if you have children? I want to say 2, a daughter and a son, because he was my son for 29 years!! I can't pretend he isn't anymore. But if I do, the next question is always something like "Are they in college?, what do they do?, etc." Then what????? If I say my son just died there is going to be an awful uncomfortable silence. I just don't know how to handle all this and have a million questions.
Sorry this went on so long...........
Replies
First let me say THANK YOU for sharing! It\'s takes a lot courage to open up and share your heart. I\'m glad you\'ve been able to read some journals and are finding hope and encouragement in them. At only 2 months, you are barely out of the shock stage. You\'re doing all you can....all you need to be doing!!
Yes, we use the term \"angel date\", \"angel day\" when referring to the day our precious children left their human experiences behind. It\'s a softer way of saying something most of us just can\'t bring ourselves to say....died. If you haven\'t noticed yet, one of our moms posts a list each month of birthdays and angel days for that month. If you\'d like to have your son included on that list you can send a message to AnnSullivan with his name and dates. Of course this isn\'t anything you HAVE to do....only do what feels right for you. On those days you will received hugs and messages from moms wishing to honor those dates, your son, and yourself.
Kala\'s first birthday after her accident was a mere 3 weeks later. I was still pretty much a zombie. But she had asked for a special \"grown up\" party. She said, \"I\'m turning 18, I want a grown up party at a fancy restaurant with all my friends\". I think that\'s the only reason I was able to pull it off. We had a grown up party at a fancy restaurant with 40 family members and friends of Kala\'s. I stood with champagne glass held high and said, \"Kala died one night, but Kala lived 17 years, 11 months, 7 days, 14 hours, and 19 minutes. Tonight we are here to celebrate her life\". It\'s a bit of a long story that I will proudly share if you\'d like as to where that came from.
For me, that first angel date was very hard. Mostly the dread of it was hard. I ran away for two weeks with my husband. I just didn\'t want to face anyone. Didn\'t want to see the faces and hear the \"I\'m sorry\'s\". I just needed to be alone with my husband in new scenery....totally out of the ordinary. It turned out to be one of the most memorable \"vacations\" I\'ve ever had. I\'ll share more with you later if you\'d like.
Each year...and Jan 2 will be the 6th angel date and Jan 26, the 6th birthday...I have done something different. I usually wait until the last minute to make birthday plans, but each year I still find myself wanting to escape my reality on the angel date. I honor Kala by talking to her, by smiling, and by allowing myself to feel whatever it is I\'m feeling on those days. I also honor her by making a donation to my favorite charity in her name. Each of us have different ways of getting through the days and they are ALL the right way! What you discover feels right for you will be exactly 100% the right thing to do...or not do!
Oh boy, the question of how many kids do you?? Sends our hearts plunging so often. One thing I know for sure, whether you include your son at that moment with that person, has NOTHING to do with how much you love him! Sometimes, for some moms, it\'s simply easier to say one and not include the one in Heaven...for some with only one child...it\'s easier to say none. I personally have always said I have three children. Well, that\'s not exactly true. I lost my first baby at 5 months of pregnancy and only after Kala\'s accident have I included that precious child in my count. Not because I didn\'t love him and mourn deeply for him...it just honestly never occurred to me to include him. Now I do...and proudly. I\'ve often shocked people who\'ve asked that of me when my son was living on the streets doing heroin....I\'d say, \"I have two in Heaven and one in hell\"!!! You should have seen the faces!!! Now, I say I have two in Paradise and one still figuring out his human experience. Again, whatever feels right to you is what\'s right! And don\'t be alarmed if that changes over time...or over the course of the same day. BE what you need to be at any given moment in any given situation. If you choose to share you son, and if additional questions are asked that make you uncomfortable, simply say, \"I\'m not comfortable talking about it\".....keep it short and simply and direct. And remember, you don\'t owe anyone anything! Whatever you share is a gift from you....not a debt paid!
Again, just want to say how very proud and happy I am that you were able to write your first journal! And never apologize for being long winded....my goodness, just look what I\'ve written!!! LOL!
You did not go on for too long and yes, such courage to write your first journal. Your loss is so recent and you are doing your best. Please do not compare and wonder where you will BE because each of us is unique. Your grief path is yours and it\'s a spiraling of ups, downs and in-between moments I have discovered.
I still struggle with the question of how many children I have. Truly, it depends on how I\'m feeling and I know that Douglas (my son) forgives me if I can only say that I only have a daughter. I am known to divert to my grandchildren often that are my daughter\'s yet when those pointed questions come they can send me out into the ethers... still... almost four and a half years later.
You are so wise in just taking this day, this moment and know that however you are feeling will BE as it needs to BE.
Healing is happening even on those days when you doubt that it could be... it is... Be ever so gentle with yourself and know that where you find yourself today is where you are needing to BE.
My heart is with you and you did a beautiful job on your first journal because it is from your heart. There is no right or wrong way ever with how one shares.
Loving care to you and again, I am so sorry about your son.
XO Joanie
Your loss is so recent...that pain so raw. Honey, we have all been exactly where you are...we are not brave...we have just survived and so will you. I can remember thinking it would be okay if I died. I would never do anything to hurt myself or cause more pain to my family...but if something happened it would be okay. I do not feel this way anymore. For me it has been 5 1/2 years. It is a really hard journey...but somehow we survive it...and you will too. Try not to look too far down the road...take each day as it comes...shoot some times you have to take each moment as it comes. Try to be as gentle as you can with yourself...grieving takes so much energy...rest whenever you can. Please know that we are here for you and with you...and write a journal whenever...writing really helped to release stress and anxiety. Love and gentle hugs...Karen
First let me welcome you to our wonderful group of caring moms. Billy has been an Angel 6 years 6months and 21 days but who\'s counting. I often wonder how I ever made it through that first year let alone the second, third, fourth & I find it truly incredible that it has been over 6. At times it seems like just yesterday. Take care of yourself, take each day as it comes and be kind to yourself - you are now on a life long journey. You will NEVER get over the death of your son, as much as others think you should, but you will learn to live with it. Each and every one of us has found a different way to cope and survive. No two peoples journey is alike. You will have your ups and downs - I just read the other day that a mom who lost her child, compared her life to standing on the beach with you back to the water - some days it is nice and calm but you know the next wave will come and overwhelm you - you just don\'t know when. Just know that if you have a \"bad\" day tomorrow is another day - just another 24 hours to get through one hour, minute, second at a time. Baby steps. Now the big question \"How many kids do I have?\" I still struggle with it. I think my oldest daughter put it best when she said that she asks herself \"Do I want to have \"that\" conversation\" with the person I am talking to - do they really need to know. Did I feel guilty the first few times I would tell people I only have 2 kids - oh yes big time. But I figure everyone doesn\'t have to know - nothing is a conversation stopper faster than when it is said that your child died. There are many at work who don\'t know Billy is an Angel & many who do - I talk about him all the time along with my girls. I figure it is up to me & if I am ready to have that conversation with others. It is a choice you have to make. Don\'t feel guilty either way. I would love to hear and learn about your son. Please send me his Angel and birthday so he can be added to our list that I post every month. Hugs, Ann
I can relate to what you said about this being your 1st journal entry & wondering if you are even doing it right. I also just did my 1st journal entry a week or so ago & it\'s been over 4 yrs since I lost my sons. I think what really helped me was seeing all the journals here on this support site. Reading the intimate thoughts of the different moms & how others supported them really impressed me. In my therapy recently I learned that we open up when we feel safe. Honestly I think I just now feel safe enough to open up. I wish I would have been able to do it much sooner. I\'m so happy for you that you feel safe enough now to write in a journal.
As far as the angel date & the question \"how many children do you have?\" seems to be whatever feels right for you. You may even change how you feel & that\'s ok too.
Please don\'t ever hesitate to write in your journal what you are honestly feeling. We are not here to judge, but to support. We are not here to criticize, but to be accepting. Also....no journal is too long or too short. We are always willing to read your precious words, no matter how much you write or how little.
I am grateful to have you as a new friend.
Be gentle with yourself & know that we care about you.
Your precious son will not be forgotten.
Hugs coming your way.....Vicki
I can relate to what you said about this being your 1st journal entry & wondering if you are even doing it right. I also just did my 1st journal entry a week or so ago & it\'s been over 4 yrs since I lost my sons. I think what really helped me was seeing all the journals here on this support site. Reading the intimate thoughts of the different moms & how others supported them really impressed me. In my therapy recently I learned that we open up when we feel safe. Honestly I think I just now feel safe enough to open up. I wish I would have been able to do it much sooner. I\'m so happy for you that you feel safe enough now to write in a journal.
As far as the angel date & the question \"how many children do you have?\" seems to be whatever feels right for you. You may even change how you feel & that\'s ok too.
Please don\'t ever hesitate to write in your journal what you are honestly feeling. We are not here to judge, but to support. We are not here to criticize, but to be accepting. Also....no journal is too long or too short. We are always willing to read your precious words, no matter how much you write or how little.
I am grateful to have you as a new friend.
Be gentle with yourself & know that we care about you.
Your precious son will not be forgotten.
Hugs coming your way.....Vicki
I can relate to what you said about this being your 1st journal entry & wondering if you are even doing it right. I also just did my 1st journal entry a week or so ago & it\'s been over 4 yrs since I lost my sons. I think what really helped me was seeing all the journals here on this support site. Reading the intimate thoughts of the different moms & how others supported them really impressed me. In my therapy recently I learned that we open up when we feel safe. Honestly I think I just now feel safe enough to open up. I wish I would have been able to do it much sooner. I\'m so happy for you that you feel safe enough now to write in a journal.
As far as the angel date & the question \"how many children do you have?\" seems to be whatever feels right for you. You may even change how you feel & that\'s ok too.
Please don\'t ever hesitate to write in your journal what you are honestly feeling. We are not here to judge, but to support. We are not here to criticize, but to be accepting. Also....no journal is too long or too short. We are always willing to read your precious words, no matter how much you write or how little.
I am grateful to have you as a new friend.
Be gentle with yourself & know that we care about you.
Your precious son will not be forgotten.
Hugs coming your way.....Vicki
Oooops sorry for duplicate posts. Guess I need more practice. :)
Maybe you read my journal of our 3rd angel day.....yes I had a house full of people who loved my Morgan,,,,to toast her ,,,,remember her,,,gather and never for get her......we do have a cake for her birthday,,, a balloon release,,with our close frinds.....we always have yeloow for it was her fav color.....I tell people I have 2 children,,,,,Daniel is 24 and Morgan is an angel..it does bring tears,,,and I am ok with my tears and don not care anymore if it makes others funny,,,I cry everywhere and whenenver I need too.....people are loving and kind when they hear she is an angel,,,,I do not share the how,,,just that is she will always be 19.....write again,,,,sharing helps...love ya!!
First...there is no wrong way to write to us...second.. Two months is so new. Yes, angel date refers to the \'anniversary\' of our child\'s death.. The date they became heavenly angels no longer earthbound angels..
Just today I was asked how many children do you have and now after 4 years 2 months 27 days. I can say. I have 2 daughters...because I DO have 2. I will always be Mom to 2 ..one just lives in my heart now instead of across town .
Hugs and please write again soon... What is your first name?
Marylou...Jenns mom
There is no right or wrong way to write a journal - just pour your feelings out, we all understand. It is good to vent. It has been 3 years, 8 months since my precious Doug left this earth. I\'ve always answered the \"how many\" question with 2, stating the age of my oldest son, then saying my younger son was in a fatal car accident. To this day I cannot say \"died\" or \"killed\". Sometimes I say passed away. On his first angel date I took off the day from work, treated myself to a day at a spa and then went out for supper with my \"living\" son. Someone commented to me \"Doug would like it that you took care of his mom\" - that has stuck with me so each angel date, which I always take off from work, I try to do something nice for myself. I have also found it helpful to write a personal journal to Doug - has been very helpful to pour out every intimate feeling that is not shared - in the beginning it was mostlly \"Why? Why? Why?\" - even now I still ask that question. In the beginning I felt as Biowoman did - I wanted to die, just wanted to be with Doug, but I never would have done anything about it, couldn\'t do that to my other son, but if it happened I would feel joyous to be reunited with Doug. Now I know I have to be here for Matt, live my life as authentically as I can. I\'m sure right now it is hard enough for you to just \"Be\" - our minds can be our worst enemies torturing us. In time you will have moments of respite. Be gentle with yourself, take care of yourself, try to find things that in time will distract you - a bubble bath, reading, music, a walk - I used to zone out playing a game on facebook. You must feel like you will never survive this, I felt that way, the other moms assured me I would, I didn\'t believe them, but they were right. There\'s alot of wisdom here for the taking. Alot of compassion and understanding. And love. Sue xoxo