and then the tears came
Last night the tears came. I haven't cried a lot since Toby went, but last night I started thinking of Toby memories and then the floodgates just opened. Not tears for the memories but tears for my loss. What a waste! Didn't he even consider how much this would hurt me and destroy my life?
I want it to all go away, I sat and cried for hours and feel this terrible blackness again, and just when I thought I would be OK.
I have spent years on self development and I know if we think dark thoughts then darkness is what we will experience, but how can I think anything else other than this sucks big time.
I know nothing will ease my pain. I am so alone, I have just moved so have very few friends here, my Dad just stays in his room, I have no other children, no boyfriend - no one to hold me, hug me, cry with me.
I took a diazapam last night but it didn;t seem to make any difference - I still didn;t sleep very well.
But to day is a new day to get through. I am going to try and go to church today in my new community and it is choir practice tonight.
I just pray every day for the lord to get me through another day. Every minute seems like an hour with the knowledge of what has happened.
If he had died in an accident or an illness that would be one thing, but he killed himself.
He must have thought about what it would do to me. Then all sorts of awful thoughts start - what if he wanted to punish me. What if I hadn;t moved so far away. Then a voice says 'STOP thinking these thoughts'.
I need to find something to do to take me away, I have no job and a new puppy and my Dad has cancer, so it is hard for me to get out and meet people but I know that must be my mission now. I have to build a new life and ease my way out of this nightmare.
This is not how my life was supposed to be, this was my dream coming true, but it is a nightmare.
I know I have friends on here who have given me so much comfort and I know I am strong enough to come through but the pain today is intense, I pray for it to get better and I Pray for God's love and guidance to help me through this.
I want it to all go away, I sat and cried for hours and feel this terrible blackness again, and just when I thought I would be OK.
I have spent years on self development and I know if we think dark thoughts then darkness is what we will experience, but how can I think anything else other than this sucks big time.
I know nothing will ease my pain. I am so alone, I have just moved so have very few friends here, my Dad just stays in his room, I have no other children, no boyfriend - no one to hold me, hug me, cry with me.
I took a diazapam last night but it didn;t seem to make any difference - I still didn;t sleep very well.
But to day is a new day to get through. I am going to try and go to church today in my new community and it is choir practice tonight.
I just pray every day for the lord to get me through another day. Every minute seems like an hour with the knowledge of what has happened.
If he had died in an accident or an illness that would be one thing, but he killed himself.
He must have thought about what it would do to me. Then all sorts of awful thoughts start - what if he wanted to punish me. What if I hadn;t moved so far away. Then a voice says 'STOP thinking these thoughts'.
I need to find something to do to take me away, I have no job and a new puppy and my Dad has cancer, so it is hard for me to get out and meet people but I know that must be my mission now. I have to build a new life and ease my way out of this nightmare.
This is not how my life was supposed to be, this was my dream coming true, but it is a nightmare.
I know I have friends on here who have given me so much comfort and I know I am strong enough to come through but the pain today is intense, I pray for it to get better and I Pray for God's love and guidance to help me through this.
Replies
oh my friend i give you such a big hug andyour in my prayers and thoughts let the tears flow there better out than in . my heart goes out to you please rember when the strenth is low some how from some where we find strenth to carry on . hope you findsome peace ........angie
I HEAR you and I SEE you. Your sorrow, your longing, your questions, your deep sadness, all of it. I just don\'t know any other way but to do just this moment as you are. These wise women told me to keep reading, to keep writing, to look to moms that were a little further along the path to shed that beacon of light and hope that one day too I might begin to feel some of the things they were expressing. This is the most challenging work of a lifetime and you are doing it... one foot in front of the other and with loving companions right beside you. Let us be those anchor places along the way where you tie up for a bit for rest before you venture out again in the choppy waves of grief. Breathing in and breathing out and knowing that if you could have moved heaven and earth that you would have done anything to keep your son here... I know this. You are cared for and supported and not alone. It takes such courage and vulnerablility to be able to journal as you have today and in it you have helped yourself and you have helped me as well. In gratitude to you. Love and gentle hugs, Joanie
Dear friend,
I am so sorry about the darkness and the flooding of memories and sad thoughts. I hope at least with the FMO circle you know you are not alone. I hope that the church and choir experience will be good ones. I know that for me singing is a real game-changer. It changes my very chemistry and lifts me up. Of course it wouldn\'t work if the people weren\'t friendly and kind, so here\'s hoping you run into friendly kind people who are thrilled that you are there to contribute YOUR voice. Choral music wouldn\'t be choral without every voice; we all offer and we all receive that gift of harmony. I can\'t wait until my choir starts up again in the fall!! I know it will be hard to connect on a deep level with the new friends... might not be quick and easy... but let\'s believe that there are other people who are looking for someone like you, and when you look into each other\'s eyes, you might see something. Your warmth and light will attract others who feel that kindred spirit, to gather and support and make a difference.
I\'m with you too.
Love and hope, Sarah
Oh sweet friend...it is so hard. This is not how we thought our life would be. So many things to process...too many to figure out how to deal with. I think it is obvious that you are trying to find your way to better life for yourself...and that is awesome. Enjoy church and I hope that choir practice brings you some new friends. Love and gentle hugs...Karen
Please let go of the thoughts of him punishing you or he did it to hurt you....no...I cannot believe my daughter took her life to punish or hurt her dad, her brother, or me..there is a reason why, I hope you forgive your son and pray hat he will come to you in a dream as Morgan came to me with just a piece of the answer...Morgan\'s made sense when she told me \"fear\". peace to your heart. Nora
\"the pain today is intense\".... on this day of intense pain, I send you all the love in my heart. I too always knew deep in my soul I would survive this nightmare, but like you, like all of us, I have some days that just SUCK!
One thing that SCREAMS out at me is \"Then a voice says \"STOP...\" I believe with all that is in me, this voice, is the voice of your spirit guide, your God, your higher power, leading you to a place of healing.
And though I am not qualified to make any statements regarding suicide, in my heart I can not believe anyone who\'s done this ever actively thought of it as a punishment to others or as a way to hurt others. From the VERY little I\'ve learned, it seems to me that the one choosing suicide must believe it is the only way in which to bring an end to the great suffering inside themselves...whether real or imagined. I also believe they must feel that by removing themselves from this world they are in some way removing the pain, disappointment, whatever, (again whether real or imagined) from those around them. I\'ve often heard suicide letters will state things like, \"I know you\'ll be happier without me\", etc. I just can\'t believe Toby\'s choice was in any way a means to purposely hurt you. I can\'t believe he was at a place of being able to see the reality of his choice. Like I said dear one, I am not qualified, I am just speaking my heart.
On this intense day of pain, I think of you and of Toby and I send my love to you both, in hopes that you each find the peace your hearts so deserve.
I\'ve read your journals up to today and would like to share a bit of my early experience with you.
Right after we heard that Corrie had been killed 3000 miles from anyone else in our family, I thought \"oh, I\'m going to be very, very sad for awhile and then life will go back to being normal.\" WRONG! As minute after minute and day after relentless day of anger, confusion, sadness, pain, denial, hopelessness crept on, I realized that this was going to be a lifetime journey with our lives forever divided into \"before\" and \"after\". Even after a month or so, sometimes I would have an okay day and think \"the worst is over\". Shortly after two months, a memorial service was held for Corrie at her university. Many of the 300 people who attended were distraught beyond distraught and turned to US for comfort because we weren\'t crying and carrying on as much as they were. I now realize, over two years later, that even on \"good\" or \"okay\" days, we were all still very much in a fog of disbelief, confusion and numbness. What we have learned is that grief does not have linear \"stages\" but rather spins in circles and cycles ~ we swoop up and down, feeling anger, disbelief, numbness, excruciating pain, fear, confusion, and, gradually and slowly, slowly, more times of relief and being able to re-engage with the world. There was a national election in the US three months after we lost Corrie and I didn\'t even realize it until the day afterwards as I noticed friends posting about it on Facebook! To say I was in a daze of numbness and denial is understating it to say the least!
We can\'t just turn off our innate desire and need to mother and nurture and protect our beautiful, precious children, even after it appears that there is nothing for us to do. There is always second guessing and lots and lots of self doubt, if onlys and shoulda/coulda/wouldas. Corrie had chosen to work at a camp in Maine after talking it over with many of her friends and everyone in the family. Though my husband and I had some doubts and were puzzled when this came up literally at the last second (her other options were doing an internship in Chicago or coming home to Seattle to help me get ready for a two year move to Nevada), we left it up to her ~ she was, after all, 21 and going to be a senior in college. I never did feel good about her choice and was nauseous the entire summer everytime I thought of her.
When we lose anyone so close to us, especially a child, there is always guilt ~ \"why her and not me\"; \"why did I make a fuss about the cost of the Chicago internship\"; one of Corrie\'s sisters thought \"if only I hadn\'t eaten the smashed up cake I made for Corrie when she came home from the hospital as an infant\"; and Corrie\'s other sister thought \"maybe I shouldn\'t have blown off that creepy guy in Washington DC who was stalking me\". The truth is ~ grief is not rational ~ it is our body and soul\'s attempt to make sense out of something that really makes no sense and has no acceptable reason.
It has not been long since sweet Toby left you and you will need to be patient with yourself, to love yourself, to forgive yourself and to take each day one breath/one step at a time. Grief is a process and it does take time ~ lots and lots of time ~ everyone on this site has been where you are now and I can tell you very honestly that the pain will soften and that you will learn piece by piece to put the shattered bits of your life back together.
I read a couple of books that I found very helpful in the early days ~ http://www.amazon.com/Grieving-Garden-Living-Death-Child/dp/1571745815/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1313967878&sr=1-1 and http://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Happen-Good-People/dp/1400034728/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1313967912&sr=1-1. Perhaps one or both of these will be helpful to you as well.
Sending love and a gentle embrace of comfort ~ Debbie
Ann, please go back to my first journal right after March 6, 2009....if you will read my journal entries a little along the way you will see that we share the very same feelings and thoughts...especially about suicide. I am overwhelmed on some days about how it all ended for my son and I go to that dark place of agonizing pain and realization. I feel so guilty about things I know I could not have know about but nevertheless...I take on that grief because I think I affected my son on some way to make his decision. Of course, I know that deep down there are many factors that play into this condition of depression and mental illness that can bring on the ideation of suicide. I believe that for you and for Toby even though I do not know you well. I have read until my eyes have \"bled\" all the books and internet articles that I could find to figure out what \"went wrong\"....I only know this...that my faith in God has kept me from going insane and has given me a divine peace that I have prayed incessantly for and have received. I know you can have this peace, too. And even though I have that peace...the human part of me still has a hold of my inner stirrings about the \"whys\" of it all which makes me restless and sad. I have to be prayerful and reach out to a support group...mine came from church...I hope you too will reach out to those who can give you solace and encouragement. I am so glad you belong to a choir. This is a positive and wonderful thing for your heart and soul. Also, ask your pastor or clergy about getting some counseling from someone in your denomination or church. It helps that they understand your spiritual concerns, as well. That has been my utmost concern. It has helped me beyond anything that this world could offer.
Please know I pray that your life will fill with other kind people and that they will support you and give you those much needed embraces of fellowship. God loves you and so do I .....hugs, dale...brandon\'s mom
I also meant to say that my friends here at FMO have been invaluable to me through it all. I do not know what I would have done had I not been able to come here. It will help you immensely, as you already know. Please keep writing and reaching out. This intense pain will subside for a while but right now you are still on the newness of your mourning...the disbelief...the anger...all of it....much love dear friend...dale, brandon\'s mom