and then the tears came
Last night the tears came. I haven't cried a lot since Toby went, but last night I started thinking of Toby memories and then the floodgates just opened. Not tears for the memories but tears for my loss. What a waste! Didn't he even consider how much this would hurt me and destroy my life?
I want it to all go away, I sat and cried for hours and feel this terrible blackness again, and just when I thought I would be OK.
I have spent years on self development and I know if we think dark thoughts then darkness is what we will experience, but how can I think anything else other than this sucks big time.
I know nothing will ease my pain. I am so alone, I have just moved so have very few friends here, my Dad just stays in his room, I have no other children, no boyfriend - no one to hold me, hug me, cry with me.
I took a diazapam last night but it didn;t seem to make any difference - I still didn;t sleep very well.
But to day is a new day to get through. I am going to try and go to church today in my new community and it is choir practice tonight.
I just pray every day for the lord to get me through another day. Every minute seems like an hour with the knowledge of what has happened.
If he had died in an accident or an illness that would be one thing, but he killed himself.
He must have thought about what it would do to me. Then all sorts of awful thoughts start - what if he wanted to punish me. What if I hadn;t moved so far away. Then a voice says 'STOP thinking these thoughts'.
I need to find something to do to take me away, I have no job and a new puppy and my Dad has cancer, so it is hard for me to get out and meet people but I know that must be my mission now. I have to build a new life and ease my way out of this nightmare.
This is not how my life was supposed to be, this was my dream coming true, but it is a nightmare.
I know I have friends on here who have given me so much comfort and I know I am strong enough to come through but the pain today is intense, I pray for it to get better and I Pray for God's love and guidance to help me through this.
I want it to all go away, I sat and cried for hours and feel this terrible blackness again, and just when I thought I would be OK.
I have spent years on self development and I know if we think dark thoughts then darkness is what we will experience, but how can I think anything else other than this sucks big time.
I know nothing will ease my pain. I am so alone, I have just moved so have very few friends here, my Dad just stays in his room, I have no other children, no boyfriend - no one to hold me, hug me, cry with me.
I took a diazapam last night but it didn;t seem to make any difference - I still didn;t sleep very well.
But to day is a new day to get through. I am going to try and go to church today in my new community and it is choir practice tonight.
I just pray every day for the lord to get me through another day. Every minute seems like an hour with the knowledge of what has happened.
If he had died in an accident or an illness that would be one thing, but he killed himself.
He must have thought about what it would do to me. Then all sorts of awful thoughts start - what if he wanted to punish me. What if I hadn;t moved so far away. Then a voice says 'STOP thinking these thoughts'.
I need to find something to do to take me away, I have no job and a new puppy and my Dad has cancer, so it is hard for me to get out and meet people but I know that must be my mission now. I have to build a new life and ease my way out of this nightmare.
This is not how my life was supposed to be, this was my dream coming true, but it is a nightmare.
I know I have friends on here who have given me so much comfort and I know I am strong enough to come through but the pain today is intense, I pray for it to get better and I Pray for God's love and guidance to help me through this.
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