And the nightmares begin...

(Sorry about the book)  During the worst of the flu when all I could do was think, I kept thinking about how grateful I am to have had that crazy neighbor experience this past summer.  And at the same time, I was thinking that as much as it was a good learning/growth experience, I handled it pretty poorly emotionally. I keep going over and over in my mind about how overwhelming the feelings to hide and withdraw were.  MAN, I was such a coward inside.   The battle with my neighbor was actually a battle with myself, in that I had to work through my fear, my emotions, and drag my "inner little girl self" who was trying to hide, kicking and screaming with me. I HAD to find my strength, face my demons, become the warrior that I am. God, I need “practice”.
 
At the time, I thought I had defeated those demons, but while I was sick and thinking about this, I realized that maybe they're something I'll never completely defeat, but will instead be something that will continue pop up from time to time, to shape and mold me the rest of my life. And in a way, that's a good thing....
 
And that's what I fell asleep thinking about last night. About practicing, using my fears to shape and mold myself into becoming a better person.... About where I can find situations that will allow me to face those fears again, dig up more strengths, learn from it and practice it so I'm prepared for when REAL threatening situations come along....
 
And as soon as my mind drifted into sleep, my neighbor came into my dreams, chasing me, threatening me... I'd slam a door in his face, run to the other side of the room and he'd come crashing through, and I'd slam the next door shut in his face, lock it just in time, run to the next one... each time the doors getting bigger and thicker and each time he'd come crashing through, reaching me just as I slammed the next door shut once again... this time a door made of thick wood, like you would see in a castle. And I SLAM the bolt home as I could hear him reaching it again... pounding, smashing on the other side... my heart pounding too with terror as I begin to run to the next one knowing that he's gonna get through, knowing he's gonna catch up, knowing I'm gonna run out of doors, and knowing I'm gonna die when he catches me....
 
GAAA.... here comes the practice.. or is it the final door? My son wants to put the family from hell (mom's side) in the same room together when we go back to visit. He stubbornly feels that if he's making the effort to bring his family back to see them that they could be civil enough to behave.  I know from experience that it won't happen.  I actually said the exact same thing.... Incident #240? - "it's my sister's wedding!   OF COURSE they would be decent and leave the issues at home..." BUT NOOOO... glaring at me nonstop through the entire ceremony, screaming match at the door of the reception hall that was only stopped from being a fist fight when I walked away.... that was the last time we were all together...  In fact, when my sister tried to organize a small picnic last year so I could see my aunts and uncles for the first time in 25 years, and they refused to come - excuses like it was to far to go to (2 miles - I just drove 1000!).... some even unfriended me on Facebook... didn't like what I said about gay rights (you do know we have gay family members, right Aunt K?)... such a loving, forgiving, Christian family (this is side of the family that are all ministers - they'll love you as long as you don't disagree with them and don't get me started on their GREED...).   Sorry about my sarcasm and bitterness there...
 
And yet I stopped trying to convince him that it would be a bad idea. In fact, I didn't even make the effort to debate it. And as I sit here thinking about why I stopped, I realize it's because I knew this would be EXCELLENT PRACTICE FOR ME.
 
GAAA, I'm probably going to go to hell for this one. Because I'm seriously thinking about just stepping back and let the family from hell do what they always do.... which will shock and appall my son, hurt my daughter-in-law because she'll be the target, and destroy any relationship they will EVER have over there in the future...
 
And yet I'd get the practice. I'd be able to practice my strength, my emotions, and in the process come face to face with my BIGGEST fear of all – the acknowledgment that my family is incapable of loving ME.... because I wasn't WORTHY of it.... and maybe discover this fear was TRUE.
 
I know, I know... I let this go way too long.... I wasn't ready for it before.   Couldn't face it before.  It's the reason the "little girl self" keeps wanting to hide... because the truth might destroy her...   and I think it's time that it does...
 
The neighbor chasing me in my dreams... maybe I need to stop running, and face him.... I remember not being able to look my neighbor in the face as he screamed at me from his deck, and I remember shaking with fear as I walked into that courtroom last summer... and yet, I DID look him in the face and tell him I'd had ENOUGH while we were in court just before the judge came out.... And he's COMPLETELY left me alone since I stood strong during the last incident just prior to him putting the fence up.   I keep forgetting that what I'm feeling inside – the overwhelming fear – is NOT what I'm presenting on the outside, that I'm stronger than I think. I don't know – I've spent the last 20 years protecting my son from the family and to just drop them in into that pool of sharks without having any experiences with them? Maybe this is something I shouldn't practice after all... oh hell, it's probably already out of my control and probably won't happen because they ADORE my son...  But maybe I should at least tell him not to mention my gay sister... if he drops that bombshell on any of the ministers, it could become violent for my sister and her partner....
 
And so, as I write this, I'm already facing it, practicing it.  Because scenarios keep running through my mind... I shouldn't even make myself present when they get together but I know my son will insist on it.   Yep, practice.  My neighbor was training... my Dad's side family issues regarding the inheritance was training... this trip is the final battle.... LATER!