And the night falls...
And then the night falls, that's where all the thoughts start full force. When it's time to lay down and rest, I find myself feeling so lonely and sad. Everything I have here he helped me pick and it all has meaning. I think of him, what is he up to? is he with her? is he thinking of me? is he missing me? Or perhaps, is he maybe thinking of continueing to build our home? Yes, I know and I tell myself that those are just unrealistic questions/expectations. I know my reality and have to live it to then grow stronger. I start thinking of his voicemail today. Yes, he called me twice. I did not initiate contact whatsoever. He called once and I picked up since it said "granpa" on my cell, he was calling from his gpop phone. He tells me he wanted to see how we were doing, he wanted to hear my voice, he wanted to let me know he loves me and the boys. To tell me he is depressed due to the recent events of our story, his father, and the robbery he experienced that it has led him to drink and smoke pot. And I just listened. Then I wonder. Wow. You leave this household and look what has happened to your life.....
Yes, I do believe that when you do wrong, it comes back to you in one way or another. I do feel sorry for him in all honesty. And then I find myself myself having mix feelings. From one end, I feel cold and just listening to him and I have no feeling at all. His "i love you" words do not affect me or I block them. I am feeling as if I want to tell him exactly that..." You see, you cause pain and then look at where you are now. Is she helping you? Is she by your side supporting you? Is she getting you out of that depression? Are you happy? Look at your life and what you've made of it. All my tears and hurt. Was it all worth it? Is she worth my pain?" But listen, I'm not stupid. I know his answers. Of course she is there. Of course she is "supporting" him. She is the best thing he has encounter. And then I roll my eyes.....
Then on the other hand, I feel so sad for him. If he was here, he would have never touched alcohol. He never drink in his life. I am the one who loves wine. I drink wine every night, he never touched a drink. If he was here, he would have never smoked pot. Absolutely not. I don't care how depressed you are, I rather him take zoloft than smoke weed. And that is what makes it so sad. Is that the life he wanted all along? Is this girl supporting this life style? Then how good is it really? He hasn't been to work in 2 weeks. I put my word in for to my regional manager to have another regional hire him because he is amazing at what he does. Its embarrassing. I feel so sad I cry for him. I find myself praying for him. Is that normal? Maybe my normal. Why can't I be angry at him? I'm just hurt, sad, empty, and finding guidance within me for me and my boys.
Those two feelings, cold and petty and then sad and broken. It's as if I do miss him and I do truly love him, but then I'm so hurt that I have blocked him from me. Does that make sense? And all of this runs through my mind at night. The what if's.... Then I find myself not being able to sleep because I do hate the fact another person is next to him. Do you know how many prayers I do throughout the night? OMG, too many to count. As soon as I feel a nightmare, I wake up and pray. While tossing around I pray. Checking on my boys I pray. If I start sweating I pray. I'm sure you get the point. These are my nights. And I pray they get better. I pray for all of us to get better. To let this be this horrible painful experience that will then deliver the most amazing person to our hearts and we will have our very own "new love story" to write about and cherish to the best of our abilities. I don't lose hope. I am hurt, but I am alive. God gives me another day to be better, to make it better, to learn and teach, to be a mother which is what I love the most, and to be me. Although picking up my own pieces is hard as can be, but as I tell my son..We pick up our pieces one piece at a time. I am your voice, you are my soul..... And that's how I end my thoughts....
Yes, I do believe that when you do wrong, it comes back to you in one way or another. I do feel sorry for him in all honesty. And then I find myself myself having mix feelings. From one end, I feel cold and just listening to him and I have no feeling at all. His "i love you" words do not affect me or I block them. I am feeling as if I want to tell him exactly that..." You see, you cause pain and then look at where you are now. Is she helping you? Is she by your side supporting you? Is she getting you out of that depression? Are you happy? Look at your life and what you've made of it. All my tears and hurt. Was it all worth it? Is she worth my pain?" But listen, I'm not stupid. I know his answers. Of course she is there. Of course she is "supporting" him. She is the best thing he has encounter. And then I roll my eyes.....
Then on the other hand, I feel so sad for him. If he was here, he would have never touched alcohol. He never drink in his life. I am the one who loves wine. I drink wine every night, he never touched a drink. If he was here, he would have never smoked pot. Absolutely not. I don't care how depressed you are, I rather him take zoloft than smoke weed. And that is what makes it so sad. Is that the life he wanted all along? Is this girl supporting this life style? Then how good is it really? He hasn't been to work in 2 weeks. I put my word in for to my regional manager to have another regional hire him because he is amazing at what he does. Its embarrassing. I feel so sad I cry for him. I find myself praying for him. Is that normal? Maybe my normal. Why can't I be angry at him? I'm just hurt, sad, empty, and finding guidance within me for me and my boys.
Those two feelings, cold and petty and then sad and broken. It's as if I do miss him and I do truly love him, but then I'm so hurt that I have blocked him from me. Does that make sense? And all of this runs through my mind at night. The what if's.... Then I find myself not being able to sleep because I do hate the fact another person is next to him. Do you know how many prayers I do throughout the night? OMG, too many to count. As soon as I feel a nightmare, I wake up and pray. While tossing around I pray. Checking on my boys I pray. If I start sweating I pray. I'm sure you get the point. These are my nights. And I pray they get better. I pray for all of us to get better. To let this be this horrible painful experience that will then deliver the most amazing person to our hearts and we will have our very own "new love story" to write about and cherish to the best of our abilities. I don't lose hope. I am hurt, but I am alive. God gives me another day to be better, to make it better, to learn and teach, to be a mother which is what I love the most, and to be me. Although picking up my own pieces is hard as can be, but as I tell my son..We pick up our pieces one piece at a time. I am your voice, you are my soul..... And that's how I end my thoughts....
Replies
I\'m so sorry. :-( your nights sound identical to mine. They are tough for sure and I too pray when I start having panic attacks and find that it calms me down. I believe through both counseling and spirituality is the way I\'m going to find the strength to move on. Sounds as if you too find strength in God and over time you will keep getting stronger for you and your son. That\'s the most important thing......sending you positive vibes. :-)
Thank you JoeJoe1969....Yes they are tough, but we will make it through. Even during those dark moments and bad thoughts, I pray things will be ok. Those who have left our lives have given us so much rejection that it is hard to digest but we will be better and we will not be alone! I unfortunately have not tried counseling but that may for sure help. I have tried the meetup site for others with common interests as mine and that I can join and explore new opportunities or hobbies. Just to keep my mind off the thoughts. Positive vibes for you as well......keep smiling, it is contagious.