And the decision is... Not Ready, lol.
Well, I went back through all the matches on the dating site and decided I'm NOT READY. There were 3 that were ok, but in their descriptions about themselves, they mentioned they are all physically fit. And I'm not - not yet anyways. I'm active, love exercise and the outdoors, but being 50 pounds overweight immediately brings on this feeling of inadequacy. And that's not a feeling to have when starting to date.... I can just imagine me being quiet because of that feeling, and the date thinking it's either them or that I'm cold emotionally... I doubt I'd get beyond that first date, or worse, they like that coldness and then find out the REAL me in the future which is the complete opposite...
So, I organized a meetup hike yesterday, and only one person RSVP'd and he didn't show, but 4 others showed up! And it was a WONDERFUL hike, 6 1/2 miles of rugged terrain, beautiful view on the peak, great company! I got a GOOD workout (burned 3653 calories in 3 1/2 hours according to my HRM), met a new person and his dog (too young, lol, but likes mountain biking so I'll have someone to ride with next year), and we all talked as friends do, and had a great time.
By the end of the hike I'd come to a decision... I REALLY need to focus on myself without the distraction of other people. My whole life has been surrounded by people and the past 1 1/2 years since the divorce have been really NICE. Nice to watch what I want on tv whenever I want, nice to just take off on a spur of a moment to do something, nice to come home at the end of the day, close all the windows, put on my pj's. and just veg out by 7:30, lol.
Which is what I did last night right after the hike, lol. The dogs were even tired, put themselves to bed by 7pm, lol, so I turned on my recording of Oprah's Super Soul Sunday... and what should happen to be on? An interview with Gary Zukov and his wife, talking about spiritual partnerships. About finding and creating yourself so that you will match and enhance someone that will fit you and them perfectly. I KNOW that's possible - I had that before the alcoholism took over. But can I find it again? I'm sure I can...
But right now, I am more withdrawn, more comfortable with being alone. Right now, I don't miss having a relationship. And right now, I really want to explore that some more. I've still got lots of work to do on myself, but I'm doing it... I figured out WHY I'm 50 pounds overweight, WHY it took me so long to see it - the ordeal of dealing with my creepy neighbor brought that out (see? problems are really blessings in disguise!) - and I found out what I need to do... and it's not easy. I have to stop hanging on to my "security blankets" (food) and face my deepest fears (my insecurities). So I'm going to shop this winter for that camper, take that trip to Arizona, hike the Grand Canyon, maybe take that mountain bike tour in Utah and I've been invited to visit a friend in Oregon on the coast... and I'm going to see where this all leads. Because I KNOW that through this ADVENTURE, I'm going to really learn about myself, who I am, and in the process be ready for when my spiritual partner finds me....
LATER!
So, I organized a meetup hike yesterday, and only one person RSVP'd and he didn't show, but 4 others showed up! And it was a WONDERFUL hike, 6 1/2 miles of rugged terrain, beautiful view on the peak, great company! I got a GOOD workout (burned 3653 calories in 3 1/2 hours according to my HRM), met a new person and his dog (too young, lol, but likes mountain biking so I'll have someone to ride with next year), and we all talked as friends do, and had a great time.
By the end of the hike I'd come to a decision... I REALLY need to focus on myself without the distraction of other people. My whole life has been surrounded by people and the past 1 1/2 years since the divorce have been really NICE. Nice to watch what I want on tv whenever I want, nice to just take off on a spur of a moment to do something, nice to come home at the end of the day, close all the windows, put on my pj's. and just veg out by 7:30, lol.
Which is what I did last night right after the hike, lol. The dogs were even tired, put themselves to bed by 7pm, lol, so I turned on my recording of Oprah's Super Soul Sunday... and what should happen to be on? An interview with Gary Zukov and his wife, talking about spiritual partnerships. About finding and creating yourself so that you will match and enhance someone that will fit you and them perfectly. I KNOW that's possible - I had that before the alcoholism took over. But can I find it again? I'm sure I can...
But right now, I am more withdrawn, more comfortable with being alone. Right now, I don't miss having a relationship. And right now, I really want to explore that some more. I've still got lots of work to do on myself, but I'm doing it... I figured out WHY I'm 50 pounds overweight, WHY it took me so long to see it - the ordeal of dealing with my creepy neighbor brought that out (see? problems are really blessings in disguise!) - and I found out what I need to do... and it's not easy. I have to stop hanging on to my "security blankets" (food) and face my deepest fears (my insecurities). So I'm going to shop this winter for that camper, take that trip to Arizona, hike the Grand Canyon, maybe take that mountain bike tour in Utah and I've been invited to visit a friend in Oregon on the coast... and I'm going to see where this all leads. Because I KNOW that through this ADVENTURE, I'm going to really learn about myself, who I am, and in the process be ready for when my spiritual partner finds me....
LATER!
Replies
You are learning yourself well. Your likes and dislikes. Setting goals and wanting to travel. I\'m starting to feel lonely too but I know that will pass and I\'m not looking forward to this winter.
How can you be overweight with the calories you are burning? Hiking, bicycling burn a lot of calories. You are very active. I don\'t see how you can consider yourself not fit. Maybe you need to look at that again.
Snicker... it\'s not the burning calories, lol, it\'s the intake. MAN, yesterday I was so hungry it was all I could think about. I must have ate ALL DAY. Today, I\'m trying to work out a better plan - need to find something healthy and crunchy - UGH, not carrots - to get me through the afternoon. I\'m gonna see about maybe some kind of pretzel, or cracker that I can eat with a protein like turkey or something. I did it before, but was less active then... my appetite seems MUCH bigger this time around, lol. I WILL CONQUER THIS!!! snicker. :)
Are you lifting any weights? That\'s what helped me get fit. Unfortunately I\'m not working out at a gym and can\'t get motivated enough to use the free weights I have at home.
You have made the right decision in my book. You described it perfectly as you are an introspective investigation of getting to know they self. This is so healthy and I applaude you for recognizing this. There is nothing wrong with not dating anyone. As you said, you are not ready. You are still getting re-aquainted with yourself and this is a wonderful adventure in its own right. You are worth it and are a wonderful person...you are becoming your own best friend and thats the way it should be. As for the \"extra 50 lbs\", you\'d be surprised how many men find that attractive. Most of this country is obese so an extra 50 lbs is nothing these days. The important thing is that you are healthy. You exersice and thats a great thing...I dont even do that. So dont beat yourself up over a little extra wieght. You are beautiful as you are!
LOL, Sandy, you sound just like my friend Denise, who said on Monday night\'s walk that I\'m too hard on myself. But when you look pregnant, it\'s not attractive, lol. AND it makes riding my mountain bike harder, forcing everyone to wait as I chug up the hills (frustrating). I want the extra energy being thinner gives... I want to be able to like shopping (man, haven\'t liked shopping since I got married). Yep, I need some changes...
Trisha - yep to the weights - I\'ve made a whole gym in my basement. I too just need the motivation to get in there. BUT, today I got up an hour earlier so I could squeeze in some aerobics. If I keep pushing through my laziness for 2 weeks, I\'ll be back to doing every time as if it\'s naturally in my schedule. Just talking about it here is getting me motivated... I just put on my sweats and am ready to work out! LATER!
And I\'ve got motivation today! My uncle is coming to visit - my 2 year younger, formerly in the Coast Guard, fit uncle. Last time we went mountain biking, I felt bad because he was always waiting for me. THIS visit, he wants to begin hiking... COOL, something I can be stronger at! LOL!