And the beat goes on and on and on!
"You have never looked upon another, for you see only yourself."
In writing my SIL the previous letter, I realized what I really 'fear' is rejection. He has done this so many times; come here, go away; come here, go away. Just like my MOM and Dad. Go figure.
Anyway, this morning in meditation the awareness came to me, as I said, how much I still fear rejection. So I sat with this and many instances came to me how the same thing happened with my Mom and my Dad over and over and over. Two times stood out to me this morning: 1) My Mom wanted to divorce my Dad when I was a Junior in high-school. She came to me and asked if I would help her move, etc. I was elated. (My Mom was my physical abuser)My Mom wants my help; she loves me. I actually turned against my Dad as I was so moved by my Mom wanting ME to help her. To make a long story short, my high-school boyfriend, more of my friends and myself helped her move. When I came home from school Monday, my clothes were outside the house and the house was locked. Come here, go away. Used and abused. Rejected. 2) One time we were watching a Ms. America come clean about being molested by her Dad and my Dad (who was emotionally absent) was calling him a low-life xyz; I don't kmow why, but it came out of my mouth "you'd ought to look at your own family before you go taking about others, and came clean about my step-brother molesting me." Nothing, absolutely nothing. Rejection.
These are just a few that came to me....Anyway, to not honor the hurt of this, the pain of this, would be rejecting myself. So I did honor all the feelings that came along with it....I allowed the grieving, the hurt, the pain. In the meditation, a cross appeared and something said "let it all out, lay it at the cross; you will rise again." It's hard to explain, but I was gifted with the opportunity NOT to reject myself and I didn't.
I feel good now. I am not mad at my SIL as he played Judas for me. However, I choose not to put myself in this situation right now. Maybe down the road as I build my trust in myself, I will not see the dis-trust I feel with him.
xo
In writing my SIL the previous letter, I realized what I really 'fear' is rejection. He has done this so many times; come here, go away; come here, go away. Just like my MOM and Dad. Go figure.
Anyway, this morning in meditation the awareness came to me, as I said, how much I still fear rejection. So I sat with this and many instances came to me how the same thing happened with my Mom and my Dad over and over and over. Two times stood out to me this morning: 1) My Mom wanted to divorce my Dad when I was a Junior in high-school. She came to me and asked if I would help her move, etc. I was elated. (My Mom was my physical abuser)My Mom wants my help; she loves me. I actually turned against my Dad as I was so moved by my Mom wanting ME to help her. To make a long story short, my high-school boyfriend, more of my friends and myself helped her move. When I came home from school Monday, my clothes were outside the house and the house was locked. Come here, go away. Used and abused. Rejected. 2) One time we were watching a Ms. America come clean about being molested by her Dad and my Dad (who was emotionally absent) was calling him a low-life xyz; I don't kmow why, but it came out of my mouth "you'd ought to look at your own family before you go taking about others, and came clean about my step-brother molesting me." Nothing, absolutely nothing. Rejection.
These are just a few that came to me....Anyway, to not honor the hurt of this, the pain of this, would be rejecting myself. So I did honor all the feelings that came along with it....I allowed the grieving, the hurt, the pain. In the meditation, a cross appeared and something said "let it all out, lay it at the cross; you will rise again." It's hard to explain, but I was gifted with the opportunity NOT to reject myself and I didn't.
I feel good now. I am not mad at my SIL as he played Judas for me. However, I choose not to put myself in this situation right now. Maybe down the road as I build my trust in myself, I will not see the dis-trust I feel with him.
xo
Replies
A Rose is a Rose is a Rose, he is who he his. Trust yourself and not judge either one of you.
The \"come here, go away; come here, go away\" pattern resembles the \"Borderline Personality Disorder\" which suggests Bi-polar Disorder. 90%, or so of Bi-polar affect people were molested or physically abused as children. FYI.
It is typical of their unresolved trauma.
I\'m compassionately glad you\'re feeling good about your mindful reflection today.
Rich: YOU have no idea how much this helped me. My heart just went to great compassion. I have always said TC is Bi-polar and something seriously happened to him; what I don\'t know! He says his childhood was wonderful; my friends who knew his parents tend to disagree. Thank-you again. I am sure my Mom was Bi-polar and molested. Both my parents were abandoned at the age of three...Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you! xo
Interesting how when we are so afraid of rejection from others ,that we end up rejecting ourselves. I have done that for years to myself, only lately that seems to be changing somewhat
I had no idea that push/pull thing was a BPD trait, I\'ve only seen it in codependents
great that you didn\'t reject yourself in this opportunity
you are awesome and so is Rich
Fascinating info. I did not know that about people who are bi-polar.
I am reminded once again that is is always about that other person. Their behavior, it\'s not about me. And my stuff is just about me.
Oh. And I\'m reading Rich\'s book, the four agreements. Perhaps the ideal, perfect self we could not be... That is what makes us reject ourselves? We cannot accept the less than ideal that society might reject?
Sending you big loving hugs .you are truly valued and loved! Xx
By physically I mean sexually abused. Just to clarify. Typically, the victim feels guilty for the perpetrators behaviors.