? and then ?
I'll start w/today and work backwards....sorry, this is kinda long... Mom had her consultation appt, today; x-rays & mri's turned out very good. She does have a fracture (apparently a "re-fracture") in her "L4" vertebrae fr. when she fell...her nurse practit. & dr. met w/her today...she goes into the hosp., tomorrow, for registration & blood work...surgery is on Tues., after 2:00 P.M. They are going to do a bone "cementation" so she will have to lie on her stomach--while being "out" w/the anesthetic--while they "angioplasty" (not really, but the step is sim. & I can't recall what the procedure was really called...), then inject the site w/bone-setting cement, so it can stiffen up and heal. No treatment/cure for her DISH, but they assured us the healed site would not torque while the DISH continues to take its toll. Overall, good news stuff, I guess; however, I know she is dreading the recovery time...my mom hasn't been on her stomach since before sis was born & that's nearly 38 years, ago... Naturally, as "good" luck would have it, the State is auditing me for my unemployment funding & the appt. was scheduled for the exact time of Mom's surgery date...I got them to put it early in the A.M., instead, but on the same day...told my dad I would take the bus, so he wouldn't have to get out of bed early to take me....just hope I can return in time, to go w/my mom to her surgery..what a pain! Nat., I have been too worried/tired to have properly logged and kept up with my employment "tries"...so, now I backfill, so I can be legal.... On the pleasanter side, I did my overnight trip w/my bf for my b-day. It was great..even fun, but it all started out so surreal. Firstly, I was afraid my bf would say/do something "cranky" to embarass me and upset the family...well, didn't have to worry; he had a "tire disintegration" on his Dad's car that he borrowed, so was late by 1.5 hrs. I didn't mind...did chores around the house, checked my luggage, again (I always overpack) & then when he did arrive, he was polite and friendly, but in a hurry. We took off to George, and it was like a 1st date...I couldn't think of anything to say & neither could he, really, at first. Well, we hadn't seen each other in 1.5 yrs. That's a lot of catching up...he asked about how the family was & I really told him the truth...I was surprised that he was actually sympathetic...then, I felt guilty for saying anything so negative on such an occasion, so I changed the subject...he looked great, too, and had lost some weight; so had I. The concert shirt I was wearing looked like I'd swallowed a small pillow around my lower middle, but it was better than the "two pillows" I used to have, there... By the time we got into the gates for the show, some of it was starting to sink in...I was going to have a good time. By the time we were seated and I was enjoying the view of the Columbia Gorge, I thought, "It's going to be a beautiful night." But, I could still hardly believe that I was there...plus, I was feeling a little guilty and anxious about being there in the first place....what if something happened to Mom and no one called on the cell?By the time we were 1/2-way through the show, I was singing, dancing, headbanging...but my heart still didn't believe it. By the time the band went into "Closer to the Heart," my heartline started to open up...then, I believed it! Rush was fabulous, as always, and the show shredded musically...too bad about those threatening side-winds...the smoke machine just looked like it was on fire & the big banks of lights and speakers were really swaying over Alex, as he soloed...everyone was a little nervous about that...By 11:40, I was exhausted, aching and dehydrated...but all in a good way...my soul felt clean and my feelings felt restored. I dreaded our long trip back to the motel, but we made it. There were cops, there, when we arrived (someone in a domestic altercation, sadly), so we snuck quietly into our room & put it on TCM. We were in the middle of this film noire & the moll was making her impassioned speech to Phillip Marlowe when this truck parked in front of our window started its car alarm. Every time the "dame" spoke, this horn would go off. After 20 min., someone fr. upstairs finally came down & took care of it. 10 min. later, it happened, again. 15 min. after that, it happened, again, so someone came down and moved it out of the lot and down the block...by then, the movie had ended, so we gave up, after that, and hit the hay. No massive whoopee was made, but there was a lot of kissing and cuddling...I remembered, again, what I loved about this guy...and, it was so nice to just be close to him...I had been feeling so far apart the last 18 mo. that I had begun to think we'd fallen apart, as a twosome...well, happily, maybe not...The next day, we just messed around the park, had lunch & then he had to head back to the west side of the state. He actually did stop and talk w/my family. My dad "hid out" in the kitchen, just off the living room, and sat, hunched, at the table & wouldn't participate. Mom, though, was wanting to really know how my bf had been & I was really touched that my bf thought enough to buy her some flowers, before he left...he even kissed her goodbye. That's never happened, before...it really touched me. Trouble is, the next day was like business, as usu. & I couldn't lift my mood...it just all felt like a mirage...I stayed that way, until about Wed. Now, it all seems so unreal...I feel so spiritually detached...one night, I had a dream that at my new job, everyone had turned into daytime vampires. My trusted partner even turned on me & said the only time I ever helped anyone was when they were facing death....then, he asked me to kill him. I did, by literally twisting his head off of his neck. I don't have to tell you that I woke up, really depressed, angry and doubtful about the message of all of that...was that all I've been doing w/my life, just standing by and "helping" others reach their means to an end?So, I bought myself something called an "angel board." I got some great, healing responses fr. it & some sound advice to think on. I also tried out my tarot cards & decided I didn't like them, anymore, & that they didn't like me...so, I ordered a new deck--on sale, of course...plenty of softer colors and images...it felt so right to do it.Everything is in such a blur...I can't see a clear way out of anything...but, if I have to go there in the dark, at least I want some comfort with me...I need to start feeding my heartline, better....
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