and so it goes

I feel so torn apart. I feel like I am constantly being pulled in two different directions. Every day consists of me making the decision to do things for myself, or do things for other people. When I do things for other people I feel better because I think that it what defines me as a good or bad person. So I try to give and give but when people try to give to me, I refuse it. Because I feel like I am being selfish or that I am burdening people. I am so scared of people thinking badly of me. I go through these phases of not caring what others think of me to constantly worrying if I am doing enough for people. I am so scared that people are going to leave me. I feel like if I make someone mad that they will hate me forever and because I upset someone, that means that I am a terrible and awful person and that I should be ashamed of myself. I deserve to be alone. Why would anyone want to be around me if I am so horrible and sad all of the time? But I am not sad all of the time. When I am happy I feel like everyone accepts me. When I am sad people are disappointed in me. And I know that its not just other people. I am disappointed in myself. I feel like I should be better than that. There is no "real" reason for me to be sad. Sure things are stressful, but I should just get over it right? Of course I know that is not true, but sometimes I really believe it. I believe all of the lies my mind tells me. I have been taking it just one day at a time. And I keep reminding myself that it is going to be okay. But sometimes I feel like the weight of the world is just crushing me and I can't pull myself out. I eventually do. But in that moment, the feeling is so intense its terrifying and its hard to stay calm.