And so it Begins

Sunday October 22nd 2017, 4 days after my birthday. I found out. I was trying to delete a nasty message I sent through fb and then found all the emails. I was devestated. I wanted to rip  his life apart. I told his mom, brother, cara, and Katie. I started sending him messages that it was over. I hit up the girl and I ripped her apart. Sent her pictures of our kids.

The lying ensued. He said she oops emailed him for a year. She then emailed me the same lying shit.
I raged some more.

Monday 23:

I sobbed all day I told two co workers my friend Laura.
He came over. I begged him to tell me the truth. He lied. He left. He sent me a message that he loved me. I called him a lying whoring cheater.
He said he would back off and leave me alone.
I told him to to touch my money and that he was to not show up unannounced.
I'm floating barely able to parent. My heart is ripped out of my body.
(I hopped on the train and only had $2, I immediately started sobbing. A man paid for me. A woman offered me a tissue. I cried uncontrollably . he said he got on the wrong train and. Went so far out of his way, but if that happened there may have been no one therw to help me.) I took that as a sign maybe e that everything will be ok.

Tuesday: I honestly feel like I lived a horrible nightmare for the past 2 days. It's all so surreal. I wake up thinking I can cope with today and immediately cry and tell the guy on the bus. He tells me a joke.
I get to work again thinking I can handle my shit but I cry the deepest sorrow filled cry I have yet. And the rest of the day is the same.I'm still raging but I'm filled with the deepest sorrow I've ever felt.
I can't sleep I can't eat. I want to die today.
I cannot stop ruminating or trolling her on ig which she deleted because I was calling her a whore
He was at my house when I got home. It took my breath away. He stayed too long. I held it together when I didn't think I could. I pushed him backwards out the door and told him I was going to tell her family.

Wednesday:
I got drunk last night. Rage got the best of me. I flew off on her IG I whatsupped her. I emiled her family and tagged her friends.
I had a long talk with cara. She gave me the smallest amount of hope.
Thiss morning I feel weepy but not like I want to cry. My stomach hurts. I only got a got hours of sleep. Eating has been difficult. Holding it together in front of my kids even more so.

I thought maybe today would be ok. I wanted to cry more than any other day. My boss and I were talking about my love of babies and she said I could tell you loved babies from when we had birds and I saw the love in your heart when you talked about how doves mate for life. And then my heart shattered and I don't think I'll ever be the same. I don't know where we will end up but I know everything changed this week.
I'm living in a world of hatred and loss and I thought about dying today.
There is almost a constant gut punch a lingering pain that never goes away and I don't know if I can live with that. There has to be an ease of pain for me to survive or I will end it.
I'm feeling sad about all the missed things. About tha living and christmas. All of it. Just every moment.
I came home and he was here. He was sleeping upstairs and when I came home he came downstairs. I was enraged that he was here. When the kids went to bed we went in. I was drinking and feeling so devastated. I begged him to tell me the truth. He said. I fucked 10 women. And I said ok tell me about that he said. Well I gave them a drink  had sex used them and thats it. So what about Amy? Amy is different. We're friends. She saved my life I saved hers. Ok so ....we talk more did I answer all your questions? I guess for now. Good then I never fucked 10 women and I didnt fuck aimee.

We kind of manage some conversation then he gets really angry. Stomping around. Because I so wanted to read him this. So he could understand what is. happening in my brain.
We start fighting I tell him to leave. I pushed him he told me he was goingg to call the police becaus I'm so drunk. My mil yells at us for waking the baby up. I tell them both to leave as in get the fuck out of my house. I yell at her for supportingg her son when he did this to us.

Then I just feel all is lost. I slap him and rage at him throw water all over him. And then we both break down and cry and hug and he says sorry over and over. We lay in bed for a long time and I overwhelmingly want to have sex. I literally have no idea why.
He doesn't want to. I apoligized. To mina. She told me of of hectors infidelity and her father's as well.
I slept for maybe 3 hours

Thursday
I emailed aimee through jorgea account. Said its over I'm going to work on things with my wife.
Well she rages via email and says I'm going to tell Kelly. I email her from my account and I rage again. She said she had no idea he was married. But in her email to him it seems lime she knows. I basically tell them both they can necmver see each other again.
I go to work and I feel less of a gut punch. I felt such sleep deprivation and trading food for booze had me feeling terrible. But I made it. I survived. I'm so proud of that. I minimally cried in front of my children this week. I made it through work. I didn't kill anyone.
I told jorge to read the emails so he could wrap his mind around the truth coming out. When we spoke I said I hope you're ready to have an open conversation. He said I hope you"re ready to listen.
When we talked it was underwhelming. He cried. Eluded to truth but he's such a sad version of himself and he couldnt really. I asked him if he was sorry. And he said yes. I feel like I'm creating the whole scenario like I'm controlling it all. But there's no responsibility from him. No apologies just denial after a ridiculous amount of proof. It makes me question all the things He's ever told me.
In the whores email she eludes to him getting clean? I ask him about that and he says from Nyquil. I know hes lying so I ask her. Haven't heard back yet.
I'm wide awake its 2:30 and the horror show is back on. I feel terrible.
I have this desperate need to be close to him and feel him all over me and I feel rejected when I approach him. I told him he needs to chase me and work for t this . but again it's me telling him what to do and he not taking any responsibility.

Friday
I can't go to work
I get very demanding with him. Lets go get teated for stis lets get your shit from The bar. He won't but talks about how demanding I am. I kind of give up this day. I yell at him on and off all day.

Saturday.
He can't sleep and is talking about how much his chest hurts but throws in the dig about he can't go to the hospital because I dropped him from insurance.
I cried to cara in the morning..

I called Antonio so they could speak. I felt proud of that.
Jorge gets mad at me for telling people. Then just lights into me. Calls me the angry fat girl. Says look at you you've gained a 100 lbs since we met. You think I'm going to fuck that? Fat fat and unfuckable. He talks about how he tried for so long and 
I shut him down. How hes sacrificing so much for me. Not looking at his phone staying home he has nothing no one. How he made so many good friends.
And I'm still floating. I literally cannot fathom that he would act like this. Blaming. me? Get the fuck out of town.
I make through the day he apologizes for calling me fat. I do not apologize for calling him a loser with a small dick. I know he thinks I'm fat and he is a loser with a small dick.

I scratch his back. And he wants me to hold his hand. I want closeness that he just wont give to me. He invites me in and then turns his back so I scratch it. Every fucking time. It's like hes sending me some message. """" ill let you scratch my back if you're tryingg to make it up to me""""

I scratch his back but ask him to kiss my neck he does it once. I feel so pathetic trying to get him to touch me love me. It's ridiculous.

I spoke with Laura. She is truly my rock. She hears me. I sob for 2 hours. As I'm writing this I feel overwhelmed with sadness that jorge is no longer my rock.

Through all of this and I said this to him, I  honest to god did not know how bad things were. We had so many tough times over the years but we always survived. But I guess thats it we just survived. I feel so terrible that I didnt see it.

He continues to minimize this affair. Like....his dick barely fell into her. Its such a level or ridiculous I cannot take.

He has been so depressed and horrible for a straight 2 years. I had to hold it all down while he wallowed in self pity. And I feel like I get zero respect for that.

Sunday
I'm short with my kids today. I'm feeling very angry that he gets to sleep the day away while I take care of the kids and the house.
I'm getting hives and my right eye is blurry. There is such a physical pain now. It never dulls. It never changes.
I realized today he has serious mental health issues. But that I am unable to deal with those issues. I called his friend beacuse i needed to pass it to someone else. I cannot help him when I'm drowning. I need to survive this and be present for my children.

I was feeling very adult when I said I will not make a decision about divorce or not for 6 months. I said my only non negototiable is that we go to therapy. He said no. He didnt want to go do pussy talk.
I want him to go away. I'm feeling rage and I don't get a moment to myself.
I think there are other women.
I joined a support group online. I'm going to make a couples therapy appointment tomorrow. If he shows up he does. If he doesnt he doesn't. I mewd therapy. The amount of trauma I've experiwnced wont go away.
I have lost hope for us today.

Monday:
I woke up thinking I would survive. I needed a ride to the train and so I said how could you do this the the mother of your children? He said because you're a fucking bitch. He said he decided to fuck her when I called him a piece of shit. Which is actually a lie. That happened several weeks ago and I know from emails that it's been going on for a year or more.
This has been the worst day yet. I can't breathe. I want to cry at every corner. I'm dying every moment.
I made a therapy appointment. I dont know if he will go.
I spoke with him later in the day he said he would go to therapy and that he loved me.
I didn'tnt drink and I went to bed very early.

Tuesday
I woke up with the a horrible sinking feeling. I feel like I dont know who he is. I'm wondering about other affairs. I checked his email and found a notice for a storage locker. Its like hes hiding all these things. I got really obsessed with his email. I found a hotel recieot for 2015.
I asked him about other affairs today. Hes so mad at me. Thinks therapy is a crock. Hes like you need to change stop being a bitch..
I have a horrible sinking feeling. Seeping into my soul telling me this is my fault. I guess I didn't realize he thought I was such a shitty partner. Like it was all so justified because I was suck a fucking bitch.
I have been bitch for sure and I owned that but I was like how how how do we fix this. I tried so hard over the past two years while he was
Fallin g apart but then at some point I felt resentful and alone. I couldnt send all my focus his way. There needed to be someyhing left for my kids and myself.
Sure we fought and yes BOTH said horrible things. But we moved. We always swept shit under the rug. We fought the day before i found out because he raged at me for questioning him he kicked a cabinet and screamed at me. I found out because I sent him a horrible email I wanted to delete. But we always came back. I think we both always felt horrible when qe mistreated each other. I couldnt wait to get back to him.

So today I feel like its my fault and I feel so very guilty.
I miss him. I miss his warmth and sunshine on me. I have a terrible aching pain without him. I miss every moment of him. I think we have had good times but now I'm questioning if he ever thought so. I'm so lonely. And now again I worry about making it through the day.

After a bunch of back and forth we went to therapy. It was awful. I guess we both resent each other more than I realized. He was weird after. Mad and said he didn't want to go back. He said they won't remember us. She only wrote down 5 things he said. Then you could spend money on this but you couldnt buy me breakfast.

I feel hope but I also feel empty.

Wednesday

Woke up feeling empty
I asked him to take me to work. I don't know why.
I told him I want to have sex and asked him to get tested.
I asked him how he felt about last night. He was mad. Like I stabbed him in the back. I looked like a little girl crying so that they would be on my side. He said it was all for show.
Empty. And sick. But I think I can survive today.

He told me he was going to watch the game with "friends" and my brain spiraled out of control. I basically asked him to reassure me. He got upset and referrenced me throwing him out. I apologized but later felt sick with myself for doing that. This week is all about the flip for him. He makes me feel bad so he feels better. I doubt he know that thats driving me away..
When I got home he was kind of raging. I dont know why. He said the less I see of your fucking face the better. I told him to go to his "friends" he said why so you can hate me? I said I can't control you or decide where you do or do not go. He asked me to get beer and watch the game with him. A few things about this....it was nice to get out of the horrible nightmare I've been in. Two I didnt know he liked baseball and three didnt want to do it, but I did so that we could move towards something.
Today I'm picturing what it would ve like without him. I'm also reading about the impact of divorce on children. That has me feeling bad. Maybe I'll stay until it wont mentally wreck my children.
I got to work and check his tablet like I always do and realized he changed his passwords on Google. I fb him and asks dfor the passwords. I said its the only thing that was giving me the smallest amount of peace. I told him I was literally hanging on by a thread. I said I was going to show up and not make any decisions for 6 months. He mocked me and said "you go girl" then I was trying to contact them and they were offli e for 2 hours. I started panicking. Then they both were like oh its cool and everything is fine.
I was sobbing and spinning and he said relax what's with all the aggression? I want to light him on fire. And today I want to divorce his loser ass.

When I got home I told him I'm done with him treating me terribly. I said it's probably because he can't stand to look in the mirror. I told him he needs a job and that I will see how 6 months goes.
Then he kind of changed his tune...like do you want to join a gym together do yoga? I'm so confused all the time.

So we had a semi honest conversation he told me that he was using aimee to get to the top. He doesn't actually believe he had an affair. Like I'm viewing it the wrong way when he was just using her. Which doesn't ease my pain it makes me think he's a narcissist who is trying to manipulate the script...to escape what he's done. He talked about having multiple personalities. He would never do it again because of the pain he caused. I don't know this person. I don't know him. I don't know him.

Friday
I felt better today like I'm sort of waking up from a bad dream like the horror haze has lifted but still I feel nothing. I'm struggling with functioning a little bit like being is difficult. I don't feel like I'm being a good mom. But I'm surviving again. I almost got myself fired today.

Saturday
What a shit show. We were planning on spending the day together and then he woke up he was pissed. Maggie had taken his phone and he panicked about it. Everything made him mad. So plans changed he wanted to take the baby to Teton. They all went and I went in his truck and threw away her shit. When he got home he raged at me where's the stuff and I said it was gone. He said he had to get it back to them or she would never leave him alone. And again I said it was gone. 

He said he was leaving called me a bitch in front of Maggie and left. He said pack up my shirt I'm leaving. I said I know you have one foot out the door and one in but that he needed to come home. He did come home.
Later I told him that I'm sorry hes mad but that is what I needed to do. Hes still raging and said he can't live with me sneaking around his shit. Hes not going to live his life with me looking through his shit. I said ok we are not in a place to discuss this. But I said please do not call me names in front of Maggie. He aaid he didnt and hea been very careful not to do that. An then he shut down when I wanted to contibue the conversation.
I'm glad he came home whatever that means.

I feel like a new coping/deflecting mechanism was born today. "You either stop questioning me or I'm leaving" . in one day he threatened to leave me multiple times. If you touch my shit I'm moving out....if you dont stop snooping I'm moving out....and more impled through rage when I threw her stuff out....im leaving you. I know hes over there dealing with stuff...but those threats though. I guess we're living it. I don't have much Hope today.
I spoke with teto which was nice.
Shit is fucked up thats for sure.
I'm so very tired.

Sunday Nov. 4th
Today I feel like he's a sociopath. And I'm not sure my love for him and I was happier every moment I didn't see him.
He was harsh all day. And then I checked out. When I checked out he was a little nicer. I had a really hard day coping. I'm feeling so incredibly down. He was checking in before he left to hang out with "friends" and I said it was fine, only because I didnt want to deal with him anymore. Then my mind started to go crazy. I started loaing it, loaing my hope for us, questionibg whether or not I can contine on with this. I told him I was losing my mind and I didnt think I could handle it. And that I dont know anything about him anymore. He said he qas playing video games? He said he wasnt with her and to "chill" but asked if I wanted to talk to his friends. I said yes and that was 30 minutes ago. I realized today what strength it would take to save this, and I'm not sure I have the strength.
I fell of my bike tonight and really hurt my leg. I'd be lying if I said the physical pain wants welcomed. Physical pain distracts the mind.
I lost my mind last night. He wouldn't pick up his phone I coukdnt sleep. I had a full on panic attack. He didn't get home until 3 in the morning.
I was so angry and drowning i didnt think I could take one more day. I sent him all these crazy texts about how I thought I broke my leg. Just to get him to come back to me......when he got home he was worried. He came to check on me kissed my leg. While I hate him a wash of comfort came over me. these past weeks hes barely noticed me. Like he can't see my pain and he cares nothing for me. It's so weird because I can't stand his face but I miss him too.

Monday Nov. 6th.
Today I felt really sad and a little weird in the functiining department. Like I'm a little distant from reality. I'm kind of floating through the day. I didn't get fired so thats a bonus. We didn't talk much today, but he took me to work and we joked and talked. He listened which I feel like he usually doesn't.
He's getting mad for an unknown reason tonight. I kind of want to end this day with out fight
16 days have past since I found out. I'm still so up and down. But I feel less rage I think.
He's made a couple of changes but who knows. He's thinking about business ideas....cleaning the basement

Tuesdayy Nov. 7th
Woke up feeling a little stronger. As he drove me this morning. He said I lied in therapy but couldn't give an example. He wants to push it off. I won't. Said we should get individual therapy. I agree but I need couples therapy to stabalize right now. I asked him to think about what he really wanted. Because I just became a different wife. I'm not interested on a guy who stays out all night. He said well that's him. He wants his freedom. So I told him to really think if marriage is right for him. I told him I loved him and I wanted to save this for us and our kids. Every time I tell him I love him its always a yeah right response.
When I got to work I was sinking. I asked him to essentially reassure me. He wouldn't. I felt angry with him all day. The anger dissipated when I saw him. He worked on the basement all day. I was thankful for that. He said he had a plan to get his machine to work. I don't know where I'm at. He said I pushed him away for 2 years. Maybe that's true.