And God says.... "Let It Go..."
Today is day 2 of the first 4 day weekend I've had in.... a VERY long time. And I'm exhausted. But I have to wait for my hair to dry before going to bed.
I realized this weekend I was "running" again. And as I wondered why... I realized I was running from myself - from emotions I felt, but didn't want to feel. The depression/grief was getting deeper and stronger - so much deeper and darker than I ever thought it could go... and I didn't think I was hanging on very well emotionally.
Since my uncle left, I've been on a home improvement dash. I fixed the bathroom sink, found and fixed the leaks on the camper, put in a screen door in my laundry room so the dogs and my granddaughter are safely restricted (the dogs to keep from jumping on her when she arrives for babysitting days, my granddaughter to keep her from very dangerous stairs to the basement). Stain for the back deck, new gutter to replace a damaged one from our most recent hail storm, finished cleaning and organizing the shed....
I ran to Rapid City again on Wednesday night for another trip to Menard's.... I bought another screen door that I want to put in the bedroom so I can keep my irritating cat out but still hear everything going on in the house overnight, and bought some privacy stuff for my chain link fence so Bear doesn't bark at the neighbor dog or the nice neighbor behind my house anymore. And because I wanted to go camping this weekend, I stopped over at the BAM store for a book, just in case it rained...
AND THEN....
You ever have those moments where you're just running along and something catches your eye and stops you dead? Yep, this was that moment. The store is different from when it was a Borders, so it took me a while to find the section I wanted. Personal Improvement (aka self-help). I was specifically looking for Brene' Brown's "Daring Greatly". I'm searching the aisles and suddenly at eye level, is Bishop TD Jake's book "Let It Go". It was an "OH." moment. The OH moment like when I discovered all the alcohol he hid around the house... the OH moment when I found what he was doing to me. Yep, the dreaded OH. I wasn't letting go.... In fact, I was holding on so tightly.... so tightly that I "ran" from that too, kept looking for that other book. I found the section, but it was sold out, and right next to Brene' Brown's other books was Debbie Ford's book "COURAGE". Yep, I don't need to let it go, I told myself... I need COURAGE... So I bought it instead...
As the sun set, I went home and got the dogs and then I drove up into the canyon to see what was available for camping spots. I had this "strategy"... see how full each of the 3 campgrounds were, pick out a site, and if it was getting crowded, go up early and leave the camper at the site while I'm at work.
HA. Timon Campground was completely full. Rod & Gun Campground a mile away only had 3 spots available. Hanna was completely full. And so, despite getting back to the house at 11:30 pm and still having to cook and eat and clean up, I was up at dawn (5am) and getting loaded and drove up to Rod & Gun by 7:30. And got the LAST SPOT.
David (my now deceased x) used to say Rod & Gun was creepy. He refused to camp there. But I was going CAMPING, DAMN IT....
I didn't get back up there after work until 8pm... didn't have dinner until 9:30 - man, I am becoming a VERY GOOD COOK! The JUCIEST burger... oh, and the meat thermometer said the air temp was 46 degrees.... And I was still watching the fire until 11:30. It was so quiet... and so peaceful... and the only sounds I could hear was the creek flowing nearby. I finally gave up waiting for the fire to burn out and was getting creeped out by the knowledge that the forest (and mountain lion habitat) began 2 feet behind my chair, so I finally caved, and dumped my dish water on the fire. And once I was sure I put the fire out completely, I looked up at the sky and WOW..... The Milky Way was SO BRIGHT and SO BEAUTIFUL. I could even see COLORS.... my prayers that night were about how grateful I am to be able to see something so amazing...
I slept so soundly that when the birds began singing at 6 am, I felt like I'd only just gone to bed. As I sipped my coffee and watched the other campers slowly rising, I noticed the sky was changing... first there were the feathery clouds, then within minutes puffier ones that got larger and larger.... a big storm was coming. I couldn't see it around the canyon's walls, but I know from experience that those clouds were a sign of something huge and it was coming fast. So the dogs and I ran to town to get more water (the campground's well had excessive levels of e coli according to a warning at the entrance)... and sure enough, HUGE storm. So much lightning, in fact, that as soon as we were resupplied with water, we headed back up to the campground just in case we needed to evacuate due to fire. And then it DOWNPOURED, washing away the fire worries, and leaving me no option but to pull out a book.
COURAGE... lessons on how to find Divine Guidance and COURAGE...
The first couple of chapters discussed personal involvement and responsibility. OWNING your situation. It talked about the warning signs in bad relationships, and how the person (like me) SEES the warning signs and just ignores them...
AND THEN... the sun came back out and the dogs were stir crazy, so I set the book down and the muttleys and I headed up the hiking trail, getting soaked in the process. We hadn't even gone a mile and I felt something wasn't right. Not like there was a danger, but that I was missing something and should go back... but I didn't. And then I realized that I forgot my pepper spray at the house, which would usually convince me to turn around and go someplace safer... but I didn't. And then we (me and the dogs) heard something moving in the brush - could have been a squirrel, or a deer or even a mountain lion - and I should probably have gone back... but I didn't. And THEN it THUNDERED. Yep, that was it. We'd only gotten a mile up the canyon trail, heading toward the top of the upper walls, and lightning and height is DUMB. So we headed back....
And I picked up the book and the very next chapter was about.... Letting GO.
Yep, the example/fairy tale in that chapter was me 100%. My past/grief/memories were weighing me down, sinking me, drowning me. OH.
After I finished that chapter, the sun came back out... we went to a safer hiking trail, then ran back to the house to get some work done on another home improvement project... the running was slowing down because at 6 pm I decided I wanted to enjoy another fire under the stars though this time the stars were hidden by another storm coming....
Up at sunrise again, this time to rain, but HEY, the camper DOES NOT LEAK! I tossed my craft show canopy in the back of the van Wednesday night (something unusual for me to do) and I have a small foldable picnic table in the camper and ended up using both to cook burnt pancakes and bacon (ok, so my cooking goes in cycles, lol). Clean up, run home, 2 insanely uncoordinated attempts to get the camper backed in, clouds cleared up, finished my outdoor home improvement projects (well, except 1 gutter), took the cat for a check up at the vet, bike for it's tune up, unpacked, and stopped. The running has stopped. And I'm beginning, just beginning, to let go....
OH! And GREAT NEWS! I'm going to have a GRANDSON November 18th! LATER!
I realized this weekend I was "running" again. And as I wondered why... I realized I was running from myself - from emotions I felt, but didn't want to feel. The depression/grief was getting deeper and stronger - so much deeper and darker than I ever thought it could go... and I didn't think I was hanging on very well emotionally.
Since my uncle left, I've been on a home improvement dash. I fixed the bathroom sink, found and fixed the leaks on the camper, put in a screen door in my laundry room so the dogs and my granddaughter are safely restricted (the dogs to keep from jumping on her when she arrives for babysitting days, my granddaughter to keep her from very dangerous stairs to the basement). Stain for the back deck, new gutter to replace a damaged one from our most recent hail storm, finished cleaning and organizing the shed....
I ran to Rapid City again on Wednesday night for another trip to Menard's.... I bought another screen door that I want to put in the bedroom so I can keep my irritating cat out but still hear everything going on in the house overnight, and bought some privacy stuff for my chain link fence so Bear doesn't bark at the neighbor dog or the nice neighbor behind my house anymore. And because I wanted to go camping this weekend, I stopped over at the BAM store for a book, just in case it rained...
AND THEN....
You ever have those moments where you're just running along and something catches your eye and stops you dead? Yep, this was that moment. The store is different from when it was a Borders, so it took me a while to find the section I wanted. Personal Improvement (aka self-help). I was specifically looking for Brene' Brown's "Daring Greatly". I'm searching the aisles and suddenly at eye level, is Bishop TD Jake's book "Let It Go". It was an "OH." moment. The OH moment like when I discovered all the alcohol he hid around the house... the OH moment when I found what he was doing to me. Yep, the dreaded OH. I wasn't letting go.... In fact, I was holding on so tightly.... so tightly that I "ran" from that too, kept looking for that other book. I found the section, but it was sold out, and right next to Brene' Brown's other books was Debbie Ford's book "COURAGE". Yep, I don't need to let it go, I told myself... I need COURAGE... So I bought it instead...
As the sun set, I went home and got the dogs and then I drove up into the canyon to see what was available for camping spots. I had this "strategy"... see how full each of the 3 campgrounds were, pick out a site, and if it was getting crowded, go up early and leave the camper at the site while I'm at work.
HA. Timon Campground was completely full. Rod & Gun Campground a mile away only had 3 spots available. Hanna was completely full. And so, despite getting back to the house at 11:30 pm and still having to cook and eat and clean up, I was up at dawn (5am) and getting loaded and drove up to Rod & Gun by 7:30. And got the LAST SPOT.
David (my now deceased x) used to say Rod & Gun was creepy. He refused to camp there. But I was going CAMPING, DAMN IT....
I didn't get back up there after work until 8pm... didn't have dinner until 9:30 - man, I am becoming a VERY GOOD COOK! The JUCIEST burger... oh, and the meat thermometer said the air temp was 46 degrees.... And I was still watching the fire until 11:30. It was so quiet... and so peaceful... and the only sounds I could hear was the creek flowing nearby. I finally gave up waiting for the fire to burn out and was getting creeped out by the knowledge that the forest (and mountain lion habitat) began 2 feet behind my chair, so I finally caved, and dumped my dish water on the fire. And once I was sure I put the fire out completely, I looked up at the sky and WOW..... The Milky Way was SO BRIGHT and SO BEAUTIFUL. I could even see COLORS.... my prayers that night were about how grateful I am to be able to see something so amazing...
I slept so soundly that when the birds began singing at 6 am, I felt like I'd only just gone to bed. As I sipped my coffee and watched the other campers slowly rising, I noticed the sky was changing... first there were the feathery clouds, then within minutes puffier ones that got larger and larger.... a big storm was coming. I couldn't see it around the canyon's walls, but I know from experience that those clouds were a sign of something huge and it was coming fast. So the dogs and I ran to town to get more water (the campground's well had excessive levels of e coli according to a warning at the entrance)... and sure enough, HUGE storm. So much lightning, in fact, that as soon as we were resupplied with water, we headed back up to the campground just in case we needed to evacuate due to fire. And then it DOWNPOURED, washing away the fire worries, and leaving me no option but to pull out a book.
COURAGE... lessons on how to find Divine Guidance and COURAGE...
The first couple of chapters discussed personal involvement and responsibility. OWNING your situation. It talked about the warning signs in bad relationships, and how the person (like me) SEES the warning signs and just ignores them...
AND THEN... the sun came back out and the dogs were stir crazy, so I set the book down and the muttleys and I headed up the hiking trail, getting soaked in the process. We hadn't even gone a mile and I felt something wasn't right. Not like there was a danger, but that I was missing something and should go back... but I didn't. And then I realized that I forgot my pepper spray at the house, which would usually convince me to turn around and go someplace safer... but I didn't. And then we (me and the dogs) heard something moving in the brush - could have been a squirrel, or a deer or even a mountain lion - and I should probably have gone back... but I didn't. And THEN it THUNDERED. Yep, that was it. We'd only gotten a mile up the canyon trail, heading toward the top of the upper walls, and lightning and height is DUMB. So we headed back....
And I picked up the book and the very next chapter was about.... Letting GO.
Yep, the example/fairy tale in that chapter was me 100%. My past/grief/memories were weighing me down, sinking me, drowning me. OH.
After I finished that chapter, the sun came back out... we went to a safer hiking trail, then ran back to the house to get some work done on another home improvement project... the running was slowing down because at 6 pm I decided I wanted to enjoy another fire under the stars though this time the stars were hidden by another storm coming....
Up at sunrise again, this time to rain, but HEY, the camper DOES NOT LEAK! I tossed my craft show canopy in the back of the van Wednesday night (something unusual for me to do) and I have a small foldable picnic table in the camper and ended up using both to cook burnt pancakes and bacon (ok, so my cooking goes in cycles, lol). Clean up, run home, 2 insanely uncoordinated attempts to get the camper backed in, clouds cleared up, finished my outdoor home improvement projects (well, except 1 gutter), took the cat for a check up at the vet, bike for it's tune up, unpacked, and stopped. The running has stopped. And I'm beginning, just beginning, to let go....
OH! And GREAT NEWS! I'm going to have a GRANDSON November 18th! LATER!
Replies
Hi! I read Ford\'s Courage book just a month or two ago. I did enjoy it, but it was not extremely memorable for me. I did related to her young 20\'s older guy Paris story. Primarily because my friend lives at the Cricket Club and I know that there is a lot of decadent 70\'s Miami stories that flowed through there.
But the book just left me unsatisfied in the courage department. I actually see you as a very self reliant adventure filled woman! I do not think you need more courage. I actually think you are playing to your strengths by reading that book.
I know you may not see it. But in my opinion it is true. :)
I do think there are some interesting layers to Ford\'s book that could help anyone. Glad you got outside it sounds like so much fun. I\'m shocked at how cold it gets up there though...
You\'re right, bean... I do have courage. But up until this weekend, I was losing it. Sinking deeper, and deeper into despair and unable to find a way out. I think I was in denial... denial that everything was over.... denial that I had to start over.... denial that my life now is a blank slate. That courage I need? To begin to step forward - not just look at it - but MOVE into life knowing that all the decisions are mine to make, and mine alone, and don\'t involve anyone else (I\'ve been co-dependent too long). And it\'s odd... the only way to find my Courage to do that is the way I was avoiding... letting the past with it\'s loves and memories and pain GO. For me, that book was worth it with just 1 line now that I understand it... do that which is impossible to do.