And change begins...
The memorial service is tonite. All week long I was racked with those questions... the questions about how he really felt about us, about why he did what he did, and like I said before, questions I'll never have answers to. I stopped yelling at him about wasting his life and the gifts he was given 2 days ago, and have been telling him how much I loved him instead since... and the stuff stopped moving since the trip to Wisconsin as well...
My son started going through his things yesterday, asked me if I wanted anything. All I wanted was a hat box I gave him to keep his magazines in before the divorce. A goofy thing only a woman would want... a round, wooden box with apples painted all over it. But it wasn't in his things. Apparently, he gave it away a long time ago.... I remember him saying during the divorce that he found reminders of me too painful... And maybe that's a good thing... I don't think I could move on if that rememberance was sitting in my house either...
And we think we found the guns as well... the friend who died the same day had guns in his room - despite not being allowed to own any due to a felonly conviction years ago. It looks like the X gave them to him in exchange for liquor store runs. My son has decided to just let it be...
And I spoke to my mother-in-law again the other day. She had more questions, and so I told her EVERYTHING. "THAT'S what was happening", she said... she knew there was more... had too many blank spaces, too many unanswered questions as well. And again, questions only I had the answers to. She wanted to give me money that was coming in from friends, but I couldn't take it. Because I felt so guilty that maybe I could have done more... maybe I had abandoned him? That darn question... was the dementia what caused the violence? No, I said to her... I NEED to do this, because it's all I CAN do...
So today is goodbye. Because after the service, his ashes are going with my son so that he and my x's best friend can scatter them...
And this means change for me once again... change in that this time I truly feel alone, truly feel like all the decisions I'm going to make from here on out are mine, and mine alone, instead of ours. I know, I've already been doing that, but I guess I'd always held out hope that he'd figure it out, get sober, come home and was living my life based on that....
SO. I have to move on, whether or not I want to. That was what the Badlands trip was going to be about... moving on, standing alone... but I didn't go. Main reason was because I'm sick with a sore throat, sniffles, cough.... but also because I didn't need to go to realize that. So I went shopping instead... got stuff for the reception after the service, bought some material to work on my home a little more once everyone goes away.... And besides, my son needed me to watch the baby while they went through all the x's things, and the baby gives me such joy....
Today, I'm giving up the questions... today, I'm turning toward myself to find my new way in the world, today I'm finding ME. I'm so glad I didn't start dating yet... I realize through all this I held onto too much still. But now I can let go... with sadness, I begin stepping forward into MY new adventure.... Later.
My son started going through his things yesterday, asked me if I wanted anything. All I wanted was a hat box I gave him to keep his magazines in before the divorce. A goofy thing only a woman would want... a round, wooden box with apples painted all over it. But it wasn't in his things. Apparently, he gave it away a long time ago.... I remember him saying during the divorce that he found reminders of me too painful... And maybe that's a good thing... I don't think I could move on if that rememberance was sitting in my house either...
And we think we found the guns as well... the friend who died the same day had guns in his room - despite not being allowed to own any due to a felonly conviction years ago. It looks like the X gave them to him in exchange for liquor store runs. My son has decided to just let it be...
And I spoke to my mother-in-law again the other day. She had more questions, and so I told her EVERYTHING. "THAT'S what was happening", she said... she knew there was more... had too many blank spaces, too many unanswered questions as well. And again, questions only I had the answers to. She wanted to give me money that was coming in from friends, but I couldn't take it. Because I felt so guilty that maybe I could have done more... maybe I had abandoned him? That darn question... was the dementia what caused the violence? No, I said to her... I NEED to do this, because it's all I CAN do...
So today is goodbye. Because after the service, his ashes are going with my son so that he and my x's best friend can scatter them...
And this means change for me once again... change in that this time I truly feel alone, truly feel like all the decisions I'm going to make from here on out are mine, and mine alone, instead of ours. I know, I've already been doing that, but I guess I'd always held out hope that he'd figure it out, get sober, come home and was living my life based on that....
SO. I have to move on, whether or not I want to. That was what the Badlands trip was going to be about... moving on, standing alone... but I didn't go. Main reason was because I'm sick with a sore throat, sniffles, cough.... but also because I didn't need to go to realize that. So I went shopping instead... got stuff for the reception after the service, bought some material to work on my home a little more once everyone goes away.... And besides, my son needed me to watch the baby while they went through all the x's things, and the baby gives me such joy....
Today, I'm giving up the questions... today, I'm turning toward myself to find my new way in the world, today I'm finding ME. I'm so glad I didn't start dating yet... I realize through all this I held onto too much still. But now I can let go... with sadness, I begin stepping forward into MY new adventure.... Later.
Replies
You have done so much work on yourself to get to this point. Those journey\'s back in time and to your family were good for you. Now you are really ready to move forward and start that new life.
Baby\'s have a way of putting everything in perspective. Baby\'s do give hope for the future and joy for right now.
Divorce is an ending, most definitely, but the ending of a life is the most definitive and realistic \'end\' that we will ever know. Holding out hope for better days ahead, a possible reconciliation, a metamorphosis of the damaged person who we once love...these are all natural reflections and even hopes that one might have. I think a little more time would have alleviated those fantasies, but your\'s ex\'s life has ended before \'that\' time could elapse.
You are experiencing healthy and natural grief. And you actually sound like you\'re doing great hon. The \'cold\' that you are fighting is most likely related to you feeling down and out through all the stress of the past several weeks. Learning to let go is so very difficult. But you are doing it and HAVE been doing it for some time. Concentrate on getting well - better days ahead!
You are just so amazing! I know this is going to be somewhat harder than it appears to outsiders, but you will do a great job of moving on. You have done all the hard work, getting yourself kinda where you want to be, like you said I think it was a true blessing in disguise that you didn\'t start dating before all this happened. Now when the time comes to date you will enjoy it and be ready for all it has to offer!! I pray that you will make this last transition with as much ease as is possible. (((HUGS)))
((hugs))to you as you go through this grieving and letting go process step by step.