And BAM, and reality hits.
Well, I couldn't find who wrote the note warning me to prepare myself for those big waves of emotions... but whoever that was, THANK YOU. Because last night, we sat down, did the obituaries which were just a little stressful (more in a minute) and after my son and his family left, the reality hit. No more hoping he'll get sober... no more hoping he might come back... I bawled for an hour... was up until 1:30 am, slept 4 1/2 hours, and up and getting prepared again.
But I'm ok... Last night's stress was just because I could tell my son was feeling overwhelmed and we bickered a little about allowing other family to be involved. He was just thinking to keep things simple, not realizing that everyone else needs closure as well. But we got through... and I dropped off the obituary this afternoon... AND they lost the instructions for the urns.
But that turned out fine as well... I called my daughter-in-law and told her the mix up, and she said to just pick something for the in-laws... Mason was most concerned about the one he wanted for himself... a beautiful carved wood box that has an engraving of a fisherman on it. And so I mentioned what the plans are in Wisconsin to the funeral home assistant and she looked concerned - she said what my son was looking at was definitely not going to work (a tiny urn). So we decided to just use the regular black box... because not only does it provide enough ashes for the cermeony, but also allows them to actually bury the box at the family plot and came with the permits needed to do so.
So that being settled, I picked up my x's ashes tonite - the last time he'll stay in my home - and on the way home, a friend told me to stop by her place and look at her Christmas lights. And as I did so, I remembered that my x used to love my Christmas tradition of driving around Christmas Eve, carols on my cd player, romantically looking at the lights. And so I did it again tonite. It felt a little weird... I wondered if he was with me, enjoying them... but of course, unable to tell. But I needed that. Because as I drove out of the subdivision, I was closing that door. Next up, our final trip together.
My mother in law asked me to join her for brunch before the family comes... and I told her today to allow my brother-in-law to have the remaining life insurance money (about $3000) to do a memorial there in Wisconsin for himself and friends and family. And my family surprised us today - after seeing the in-laws on Saturday, they have arranged to have a Christmas dinner at my sister's house so that we can have a little joy, laughter, and love before we come home.
it's going to be a good trip... I'll write when I get back, Monday. {{HUGS}} everyone, and thank you for helping me through this.
But I'm ok... Last night's stress was just because I could tell my son was feeling overwhelmed and we bickered a little about allowing other family to be involved. He was just thinking to keep things simple, not realizing that everyone else needs closure as well. But we got through... and I dropped off the obituary this afternoon... AND they lost the instructions for the urns.
But that turned out fine as well... I called my daughter-in-law and told her the mix up, and she said to just pick something for the in-laws... Mason was most concerned about the one he wanted for himself... a beautiful carved wood box that has an engraving of a fisherman on it. And so I mentioned what the plans are in Wisconsin to the funeral home assistant and she looked concerned - she said what my son was looking at was definitely not going to work (a tiny urn). So we decided to just use the regular black box... because not only does it provide enough ashes for the cermeony, but also allows them to actually bury the box at the family plot and came with the permits needed to do so.
So that being settled, I picked up my x's ashes tonite - the last time he'll stay in my home - and on the way home, a friend told me to stop by her place and look at her Christmas lights. And as I did so, I remembered that my x used to love my Christmas tradition of driving around Christmas Eve, carols on my cd player, romantically looking at the lights. And so I did it again tonite. It felt a little weird... I wondered if he was with me, enjoying them... but of course, unable to tell. But I needed that. Because as I drove out of the subdivision, I was closing that door. Next up, our final trip together.
My mother in law asked me to join her for brunch before the family comes... and I told her today to allow my brother-in-law to have the remaining life insurance money (about $3000) to do a memorial there in Wisconsin for himself and friends and family. And my family surprised us today - after seeing the in-laws on Saturday, they have arranged to have a Christmas dinner at my sister's house so that we can have a little joy, laughter, and love before we come home.
it's going to be a good trip... I'll write when I get back, Monday. {{HUGS}} everyone, and thank you for helping me through this.
Replies
Oh my, I was so in love (maybe still am) with my husband that I was always afraid that I would lose him to death. So scared. He travels a lot and I am still afraid that his airplane might crash or something. Must e really really hard for you! YOU ARE AN AMAZING PERSON, though and I really admire you for what you are going through with so much courage. Enjoy the Christmas lights then! We are all very proud of you out here on DS :)
This will mark a passage in YOUR life -- the closing of a door left open a crack -- and now the WINDOW to your New Life will be wide open with NOTHING to hold you back! I will keep you, your son and your extended family in my thoughts and prayers. xoxox