And back to the question... "Who Am I"
OMG, OMG, OMG!!!!
I wasn't going to post until tomorrow, but right now it's 11 pm and I can't wind down enough to sleep....
So after the X's death, I had this BURST of creativity.... in just a week, I made a quilt with hearts all over it, framed with a matching chocolate fabric, for Valentine's Day. And from the remnants, I made a LOVE banner... except this banner turned out to be a memorial to my X. Even though the chocolate color and the red colors matched perfectly in the other quilt, in this banner, right next to each other, they clash. Just like my marriage... we were perfectly matched, but it was out of order and therefore we clashed... It took me just 24 hours to finish it.
Another wave of grief hit me yesterday. And when I finished that banner and hung it up on my walls, my creativity just suddenly stopped. I can't "see" what my next project should look like, can't find the drive to pull out my equipment and just start creating the next project.... And so, since work has been quiet like it always is this time of year, I brought in some books to read instead... a couple of fitness books on how to get back on track and get the most from my diet, and my 2nd bible - "Women Who Run With the Wolves"....
This must be the 4th or 5th time I've read my 2nd bible and yet every time, I see new things that I overlooked before. And once again, the story of Bluebeard jumped out at me... this time clarifying why I was so determined to overlook the carnage that was our marriage....
But that's not why I'm on tonite... I'm on tonite because this afternoon I was reading about how there is a life/death/life part of our psyche. About how we live, how things "die" in our lives, and how we begin anew, different, wiser, stronger... and as I was reading, I began to truly see WHO I AM again as I turned each page, like something inside was being reborn out of the ashes of my past.... and as I headed home at the end of the day, I said silently to myself that I needed to focus on my HEALING instead of worrying about whether or not I would find someone who would want the TRUE, WILD me....
AND THEN... tonite I went to the historical society's presentation on major flooding events that happened in the hills. It's mostly seniors, held at the senior center the 1st Tuesday each month, and I got there 20 minutes early... to a full house. I walked in the door, and only 2 chairs were available at the back. A guy who entered in front of me sat in one, and I confidently walked up to him and asked if it were ok to sit next to him (which is totally not like me).... and as we waited for the presentation to start, we immediately hit it off with conversation.... He's about my age, a geologist, and lives just a block away from me. We talked about the presentations, how I've seen him jogging the neighborhood for a couple of years now and that I'm usually riding my bicycle or at the dog park with the dogs when he goes by, and it seemed like we really clicked... until I noticed the HUGE wedding ring as he was explaining something to me while motioning with his hands.... :P
But that doesn't matter... because it's not about HIM or the ring.... it's about HOPE. Tonite I saw that there IS a guy out there that finds me interesting, that matches who I am, fits the WILD inside of me, which means there is probably another out there who is NOT married, lol... and I also saw that the Wild Woman that I am is back, better, stronger, wiser than before.... and like I said, tonite, I found HOPE.
LATER!
I wasn't going to post until tomorrow, but right now it's 11 pm and I can't wind down enough to sleep....
So after the X's death, I had this BURST of creativity.... in just a week, I made a quilt with hearts all over it, framed with a matching chocolate fabric, for Valentine's Day. And from the remnants, I made a LOVE banner... except this banner turned out to be a memorial to my X. Even though the chocolate color and the red colors matched perfectly in the other quilt, in this banner, right next to each other, they clash. Just like my marriage... we were perfectly matched, but it was out of order and therefore we clashed... It took me just 24 hours to finish it.
Another wave of grief hit me yesterday. And when I finished that banner and hung it up on my walls, my creativity just suddenly stopped. I can't "see" what my next project should look like, can't find the drive to pull out my equipment and just start creating the next project.... And so, since work has been quiet like it always is this time of year, I brought in some books to read instead... a couple of fitness books on how to get back on track and get the most from my diet, and my 2nd bible - "Women Who Run With the Wolves"....
This must be the 4th or 5th time I've read my 2nd bible and yet every time, I see new things that I overlooked before. And once again, the story of Bluebeard jumped out at me... this time clarifying why I was so determined to overlook the carnage that was our marriage....
But that's not why I'm on tonite... I'm on tonite because this afternoon I was reading about how there is a life/death/life part of our psyche. About how we live, how things "die" in our lives, and how we begin anew, different, wiser, stronger... and as I was reading, I began to truly see WHO I AM again as I turned each page, like something inside was being reborn out of the ashes of my past.... and as I headed home at the end of the day, I said silently to myself that I needed to focus on my HEALING instead of worrying about whether or not I would find someone who would want the TRUE, WILD me....
AND THEN... tonite I went to the historical society's presentation on major flooding events that happened in the hills. It's mostly seniors, held at the senior center the 1st Tuesday each month, and I got there 20 minutes early... to a full house. I walked in the door, and only 2 chairs were available at the back. A guy who entered in front of me sat in one, and I confidently walked up to him and asked if it were ok to sit next to him (which is totally not like me).... and as we waited for the presentation to start, we immediately hit it off with conversation.... He's about my age, a geologist, and lives just a block away from me. We talked about the presentations, how I've seen him jogging the neighborhood for a couple of years now and that I'm usually riding my bicycle or at the dog park with the dogs when he goes by, and it seemed like we really clicked... until I noticed the HUGE wedding ring as he was explaining something to me while motioning with his hands.... :P
But that doesn't matter... because it's not about HIM or the ring.... it's about HOPE. Tonite I saw that there IS a guy out there that finds me interesting, that matches who I am, fits the WILD inside of me, which means there is probably another out there who is NOT married, lol... and I also saw that the Wild Woman that I am is back, better, stronger, wiser than before.... and like I said, tonite, I found HOPE.
LATER!
Replies
You are on quite a journey of discovery. Yes, there will be a man for you without a wedding ring on his finger. Hope is good.
You will have that same confidence when the right guy comes along. This rebirth will be an exciting journey.
After reading this, I just thought I had to share with you something that has just happened to a friend of mine.
We have just recently celebrated her 70th birthday. She has been widowed for 21 years and hasn\'t really been looking for someone else to share her life with. She had been on a major self discovery journey for all these years.
Anyway about a month ago she had gone down to Florida for 3 weeks to check in on the elderly father of someone she knew through her niece. She initially was reluctant to take the trip, but had thought that the change of scenery would do her good, if nothing else. And her nusring background would be helpful in really assessing how he is doing. Anyway to cut a long story short, there looks like a relationship is developing between them and he has asked her to move down to stay in his 2nd condo to see how things go, which she is doing. SO you see, there is always hope!