And another WOW comes...

Ok, before I begin... yes, Mac, you have my permission to copy the poem.  And thanks everyone for the input... it's been decided that I'm to put it on the back of the memorial brochures so that all our friends and family can have a copy.
Ok, so I want to talk about the WOW.  I'm SO amazed at God's grace.   How his plan for life is SO EXACT.   And all we have to do is LOOK and we can see it!   Because had the X's death happened when we were still married, I KNOW I would have been more than devastated.   I was to the point of total devastation during the divorce.
Ok, I've got something to tell you... and it's gonna sound really weird.  But here goes... during the divorce I was haunted.  By my grandfather. Step-grandfather actually.  It started 2 weeks after he passed away, when I heard footsteps on our back deck.   I was hanging quilts over the stairs in a VERY dangerous way when I heard them, and I glanced down at the dog, and noticed she heard them too.   I immediately went into denial - I was so good at denial back then - and I kinda blew it off as being the wind or something, and didn't have any trouble getting the quilts hung....  after what happened since then I think he was making sure I'd be safe...
And then a few days after the footsteps, my X said he SAW my grandfather on the back deck, heard him laugh....
A short while later, the assault happened... and I was so broken hearted.  Thoughts ran through my mind like "how was I ever going to be able to manage alone", the "I can't do this", and "it's not supposed to be this way"...
And then things began to move.  And it was terrifying.  Was it really happening?   or was I going crazy from the stress? 
The shower curtain in the bathroom would blow as if a wind hit it... except it's in the middle of the house and impossible for any wind to get that far AND the door was closed (no vents)....
And then I watched as my antipersperant was leaning back against the backsplash of the sink as I combed my wet hair... and it suddenly spun around, and precariously leaned in the opposite direction against a bottle of hand lotion without falling, making me jump and rush out of the bathroom....
I really thought I was beginning to hallucinate and it was scaring me....  And then more things moved....
I would set myself in a panic about cooking - that's how bad I was at it, lol.   And this is despite having a cookbook cabinet with over 150 cookbooks.   Next to the cabinet on top of the tv stand, is snowmen.   Two cute little guys that just make me smile.... and they turned.   I didn't see them turn, but they would just suddenly be facing that cookbook cabinet, and despite a lock on it, the cabinet doors would be open...
And again, I'd deny it... I'd move the snowmen back... leave the room, come back in, and the snowman would be facing the cabinet and cabinet doors would be open again.   This went on every day for a month.   And the more it happened, the more frightened of the unknown I became... until one day, I decided that FEAR is only there if I don't face it and I was not about to be frightened out of my own home....
And the moment I accepted it, and faced the truth, I KNEW I was going to be fine.   I paid attention and I learned to cook from those cookbooks that the "snowmen" kept telling me to look at (and they stopped moving the moment I learned to cook), and when the neighbor issues began I got one more sign (a light switch turned on by itself, telling me he was still there, watching over me), and again I knew that despite my fear I was going to be FINE.  Because I knew I wasn't alone...Grandpa was here (and I laid down some rules regarding the bathroom, lol)  And because I knew Grandpa was watching, guiding, I KNEW I was going to be fine and I grew stronger...
And so the neighbor thing came and then went as I faced my fears through that and became stronger... then came the family issues which were the first time I've ever stood up for myself and said NO.... and now this.... and the hauntings have stopped... I did what he needed me to do - GROW...
Today I mourned for what should have been... for the things we could have shared in the years to come, watching our grandchildren grow up together... and I grieve for all the pain he went through physically and emotionally that I couldn't help him with....
But tonight, I put the collage of photos together... his face alight with laughter as we went on adventures together... and because of the strength I found this past summer, I can smile back at him and be thankful for the moments we had already... be SO grateful for the gifts he gave me, the memories we shared....
And we're almost through this... I began the arrangements for the memorial today... began arrangements for my in-laws... notified the HUGE list of friends we'd built up over the years...  And I am just SO GRATEFUL for my grandfather's teachings... for the growth I received... you know... The WOW.
Because today, I see another door opening as I'm moving toward closing this door I'd explored with my X.  It had to be, you know... I was brought into my son's life to help him through this... he started a new job today... an aid at a children's home for disturbed children... he says he wants to pass on the love his father taught him....  GOD, I'm so proud of him...
And I was given the experiences of taking care of my friend with dementia a few years ago so I was ready for the past 2 weeks... and I realized today, that the X was so important to me, that even as I knew it was completely over the past year, I STILL hung onto that fraction of hope (or denial) that he'd figure it out and come home....  And in the end, he did in a way... he spoke to my son of still being married... spoke of still wanting to make sure I'd be ok in the days before he passed...  AND my son said he would speak to the corner where no one was standing.... or was Grandpa there waiting and guiding him as well?  I'd like to think so...  And I wouldn't have known these things if my son hadn't been there...
I had one sided conversations in the car today.... crying as I asked out loud the why the X didn't want life... why he didn't want love... and I felt the answer come back... he was hurting so much, physically and emotionally it was all he could think about... why the alcohol was so important - to numb it... and I understood.   So through my tears I let go... hoping he's finally finding peace...
The urn is going to be ready for the trip Thursday... my son already picked it out for my in-laws.  Yep, peace is coming....
And I'm watching a new door open again... what's inside?   Independence, Adventure... and maybe, just maybe someone who needs me more....   someone who I wouldn't be able to see until the X was gone....  I need to get to work on getting ready... let the healing come...  David, I'll always love you and I'll miss you... and it's ok to go.....