And another first...
Went to my daughter's art show last night, at the hoity toity art gallery in hoity toity town. Without pre-drinking. It was such a powerful feeling! I didn't have to worry about talking too loudly, or smiling too widely, or stuttering, or dropping something, or smelling like alcohol. I didn't have to come home and then mentally go back through and worry over every word I said, checking for stupidity. I didn't have to kick myself for being weak. Instead, I managed to approach and talk to most of my daughter's teachers, to talk with them, look them in the eyes, and even hugged two of them and thanked them for their support and care of my daughter. I still felt like I said stupid stuff, but that's just low self-esteem. I was warm and sincere and open. Instead of overly gregarious and weird and pinched and prickly. I was me. Really me. It's like I'm getting to know ME, and finding out that I had myself figured all wrong, that I made assumptions and didn't give myself a chance. They were serving wine in dainty little clear plastic cups. I saw a beautiful blond woman sipping wine, and I thought, that looks so good. That little cup is so pretty, with the sparkly white wine... But you know, if I could've had a ginger-ale, in one of those cups, I think I would've been happy. I know I would've been. I think it was the cup!! I'm going to carry ginger-ale with me at all times, I think! And tiny clear plastic cups! My husband and I were ready to leave, but we wanted to hang around in case my daughter needed a ride home, as she was sort of in charge of the art show. Normally, we would go out and have drinks. He would have two, because he's driving, and I would have three, on top of the three I secretly pre-drank. Which means, I would be lit. And I would walk into my house, and walk right past my children, without checking on them, or asking how their evening was, or if they had anything good to eat, or if they brushed their teeth, or if they needed anything... In the morning, I would wake up and kick myself, for each and every one of those things. This time, instead of a bar, we went out for coffee. I told him, this is a first for me. He said he never realized I was pre-drinking before every function. I must've been really good at hiding it. Really devious. I never want to be that person again, sneaky and pinched and paranoid. Trapped. Loud. Stupid. I want to be in control. Intelligent. Warm. Sincere. Two of my oldest daughter's ex-boyfriend's were there. I hugged them too, and caught up on their lives. Best of all, I will retain what they said! Both of those young men, they only know me when I was drinking, buzzed, or drunk... Holy shit. Can I change people's minds about me? Can I do that? Is that possible? I think it is. I'm starting with myself. I changing MY mind about me.
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