Analyzing The 40-Year Old Male Crisis
I've known about this a long time, but I'm only now getting around to writing down some serious thoughts about it. When I was 25 years old, I had a pretty major meltdown which I think I'd attribute mostly to the pressure that I felt to "make something" out of my life. Out of college for 3 or 4 years, I suddenly felt like all I had ahead of me was a lifetime of work and obligation, routine and boredom. It was paralyzing and scary as hell, and so I freaked out a bit at the mere thought of the end of childhood, freedom from obligation, etc. Eventually, I normalized (with the help of my parents, a shrink and writing out my thoughts), but every once in a while, I find myself stepping into smaller versions of the same abyss. I find that having a wife first, and then kids, have kept me mostly out of the abyss, as they've reminded me of the real reasons why we work and toil, and they've provided distraction from my penchant for navel-gazing. These days, I find that I'm running into many men who are having a similar crisis to mine, albeit at a later stage in their life. I don't think we're quite at mid-life crisis territory yet, as I guess I just always associated "mid-life" with 50's and 60's (although technically, 40 is closer to mid-life for most of us). The men I know, and I'd say this applies to somewhere between 60-75% of them, all seem to be staring in the mirror at themselves, and wondering if "this is it". Usually, it seems more about their career than the meaning of life - these guys have great families, and, oddly enough, are quite successful in their given careers - but they feel the gravity that keeps them in place (perhaps a better word for gravity is 'mortgage') and they long to break out and do something new, yet it's so hard to stomach the risk, both financially and to their ego, which might not want to 'start over' in a menial job. I think about these issues alot, especially on my tough days at DS. I wonder what life would be like if I just left the Web, and went on to do something totally new. Some days I toy with new inventions, others I think about being a teacher, or a scientist, or even a musician. But I never do anything about it, and I think I'm generally OK with that. I haven't done much reading or homework on the mid-life crisis, but it's always seemed like a big analysis of your existence on this Earth - what will it all mean? I've been thinking about that since I was 15, but only now do I begin to perceive the door starting to close...physically (I'm just not in the same shape), financially (I got a family to support), etc. Anyway, no big point here except that I continue to think about the issues that us guys never really talk about in person - remember, guys don't really talk about what keeps them up nights - and wonder where my head will be in the coming years. Nope, no April Fool's joke here. Just boring old me...
Replies
As a woman... I want you to know... I would cry if you went away so go buy an expensive car or take a wild safari trip to Africa.... come back when you are done and I will welcome you back with open arms....... I know... how about adopting me... haha
I am an older married woman with 2 grown children and 4 grandchildren. I have a degree which I only used minimally. I often feel that I should have done more with my life. I have come to the place where I feel that life isn\'t so much about what one does with a degree or how much money you make but about the type of person we are and how we care about others. We are here on this earth to love and be loved and to help each other. You are helping a lot of people by being here and giving support. I don\'t know enough about your life or your financial situation but at least for what you have accomplished in life you should feel pretty well accomplished! Keep helping people, read there comments. I\'m sure there is a lot of love out there being sent back your way.
I am so glad you are here and have had such an impact on so many lives. Women feel the same way and have the same kinds of thoughts - or at least I have. My story is different, however, I\'ve had to quit my job because of my poor health. Now I am wondering how I\'m going to survive, and what can I do to make sure I don\'t end up on the street. I never saw this coming and I wish I would have planned a little better.
Wow.....well said. I guess you just wrote something that I\'ve always thought about in a similar mental note, but never expressed it or was able to make clarity of it.......but what you just typed totally makes sense. Since I was around.....eehhh....15-16 I started thinking about whats ahead in life......school...then what? College? Then what? Job....then what? Marriage? (well I\'m here so we know that didnt work) then what? Well thanks to the DS community....I have been put in a much better place OVERALL!
Anyhow....basically your words made sense and helped me understand several things about my train of thought about standing in the mirror and just staring at myself and asking myself questions in my head. I do envy the fact you work with web dev. though cause thats always been a passion of mine aside from my IT career. Just something I\'ve always enjoyed cause of the technology involved and how it always evolves.
Ok......basically thank you for writing this particular journal entry amigo. It clarified some things.......
Take care
~Joe
Great entry. I will tell you that I am a survivor of domestic abuse. I happenstanced onto DS while searching for a chat room for abused women. It\'s been the only thing that has kept me glued together. So, please, accept my sinere thanks in being a founder of this site and for caring enough to help others. Your work is commendable!
Michele
Well, you certainly are good at expressing how you feel and putting thoughts and internal conflicts into words. That will help with any struggles that you come across in life. Good for you, you are experiencing something normal for someone in your situation and you are dealing with it well. Nice work brother. God Bless.
Thank you for your honest sharing. I would recommend the book, A New Earth. It addresses so many of the issues you brought up here. Your honest reflection is inspiring - thank you again.
So often you blow me away, and this time is no exception. The fact that you can look at these life issues and explore them is so healthy. You may not have all the answers, but raising the questions puts you on the road to further exploration. Not one of us has the answers, so we do the best we can at the time. always realizing that we can shift gears and change direction. I truly admire all that you have accomplished and how much you have added to our world in providing a place to share and to give to others.
Man, you are describing my twenties right now. I am not at the point of a breakdown, but it\'s around the corner. It\'s comforting to know you found your footing. If it\'s any consolation, you are very inspiring.
Already knew you were an amazing man given the inspiration, vision, development and dedication of this caring network of DailyStrength but am most humbled by your candor and your willingness to share that part of you that \"men\" seem to hide. Why is it that men do not share these things? ... Why is it that it tends to center around career? Are men aware that women find a man\'s ability to express these feelings a most attractive quality? That in doing so, he is truly considered a man!?
Sometimes feel the men of our society have entirely too much responsibility placed on their shoulders and I wonder if this is something learned or something placed upon ourselves. Truth be known, you are the same person whether you are rich or poor, are a CEO or a janitor ... and your wife, your children and your true friends will love you either way and wish only for your happiness.
Perhaps it is this process of reflection and self-evaluation that is necessary to catapult us forward into new chapters of our lives. If these thoughts did not occur, would DailyStrength have been born? Through the gift of this site, we are all afforded the gift to gather here to ponder many of the same questions you posed as we continue on our path of self-discovery and self-improvement.
I truly hope you don\'t leave the web; you have made such a positive influence on so very many lives and your presence would surely be missed. That said, would also support you as a friend in any endeavor you may choose; whatever provides you with happiness and contentment.
While I have personally experienced many challenges this year and wonder where the future leads ... and have already faced the questions you are pondering .. \"is this it?\" .. I find myself more at peace with that answer now than at any point in my life.
Each day \"is it!\" We\'re not promised tomorrow and yesterday is gone. Perhaps this one thought might provide you with clarity ... if you had two weeks to live ... who would you see? what would you do? That is where your true passion and heart lie ... and that is what everything else in your life is about.
Remember to just take a deep breath, life really isn\'t that serious! It\'s the gentle hugs, the kindness of strangers, sharing heartfelt sentiments with friends and the love of family that brightens our days. Perhaps focusing on that will allow the fears of that other stuff go by the wayside ...
Hope your pressures ease and sending you rainbows ... Many hugs ... Ranae