Analyze This

Why do we doubt? Where does it come from? Does it come from
our own disillusioned perception of life? Maybe it comes with the uncertainty
of our lives or is it just the memories of past experiences that hinder our
thoughts of positive thinking.


I know this, I over analyze things and people. It is a nice
trait to have at times but I have found it gets in the way of just living the
moment. Too much thinking, too much speculations, too much energy trying to
answer questions, emotionally draining my wellbeing. It is like a ball of yarn
that gets all tangled with knots.


My fingers gently find the beginning of the chaotic mess and
retrace where it has gotten entwined. I weave the yarn out of loops, thinking
to myself how did it ever get this way. Meticulously trying to not create
more knots but, finding myself wondering is this actually working. The end
piece that I am so diligently working with is starting to fray and is harder to
work with. My frustration is starting to set in. Is there any end to this
madness? The determination of untangling the yarn becomes abridged from its
first initial intentions to release itself from the tangled web. The effort
becomes taunting and the goal seems undoable. Persevering, I find away and much
time has passed working on such trivial matters. Why not just cut off the mess
and start anew? Because that would be too easy to do, I must analyze it and
make it right again like it was. The yarn is freed but can I really use it now
that it is frayed and over worked by my fingers. Is it true the same piece of
yarn before I intervened and try to fix it? I doubt it, just like I doubted
that I could untangle it all, I doubt the next time I will be so preserving in
my attempts to fix it, I doubt the time and effort is worth the end results.


I will reflect on my journal here and perhaps I will find my
answer. Not the answer to whether or not I will untangle a ball of yarn with
knots but, the answer to where does my doubt steam from and why do I do it?
Instead of sitting here analyzing the fuck out of myself and the situation.