Anger
Of all the five stages of grief, I think that "anger" is the nastiest, least productive of them all. And the last couple of days, I have been filled with it. In researching "anger" as it relates to grieving, I came upon this definition:
Anger – "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; "Who is to blame?"Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Any individual that symbolizes life or energy is subject to projected resentment and jealousy."
The key words for me are "misplaced", "envy, "resentment", and "jealousy". You see, I've spent the past couple of days feeling a lot of misplaced resentment, envy and jealousy directed towards just about everyone, but particularly my good friends here at Daily Strength. And it's something that I'm not very proud of.
I would get up in the morning and visit with God and all the good stuff that I do each morning, and then I would go to my computer and check in with the discussions here at DS. And then the devil and his anger would assault my psyche and I would say to myself something on the order of, "what in hell are these people talking about? Using an f-ing power drill? Squawking about being asked on a date? Kissed by butterflies?? Good lord, man, I just got screwed by God Himself, and these guys are talking about going to college???"
At least I had the good sense to keep the devil from getting me to respond in the public forum with the venom he was putting in my mouth. The devil and misplaced anger are nasty, nasty things, indeed.
So I would crawl back on my bed and crack open the two books I have been reading: "30 Days Through the Bible", and "30 Days With Jesus". Both books are designed to get you through the highlights of the Bible, and the life of Jesus Christ in 30 days, if you read a chapter a day. I was behind a couple days, and now I'm caught back up.
Of particular interest to me has been the story of Job, who "had it all" in his life and then lost it. "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away", he would say. When his health was taken from him he finally dared to question God, and essentially, God answered him that He owed no one any explanation because they wouldn't understand it anyway. He was God, and God knows what He's doing. Basically, you are either with Him or you are against Him. I think it's called "faith". And the devil has been challenging mine.
So this morning, my anger is diminishing, although some is still there. The devil is a persistant dude. But the anger is being replaced by a certain amount of humility, and humility is a good thing. When I came to my computer, there was a message from one of my DS friends waiting in my message box. It wasn't a message of grief; it wasn't a plea for help. It was a message from a friend to a friend simply asking about what I enjoyed doing with my time. What my hobbies were. He then went on to tell me of himself, and the things he liked to do. The stuff that FRIENDS talk to one another about. And I am humbled.
Another friend had sent me a "cyber-present" late last night. And I think this present came in the form of the message found in my message box from the afore-mentioned friend. I've said before that I believe that DS is "magical" place, and this seems to bear that out for me.
So, to all of my good friends here, please forgive the snarkiness that my anger has wrought. Although I did not express any of it publicly, I did express it in my indifference towards and disdain for the discussions currently being held on the site. Of course learning how to use power tools that used to intimidate you is important. And of course you should be on guard against the jerks that prey upon the widowed. And of course I see the beauty and significance of being blessed by the kiss of a butterfly in the spiritual sense. And returning to college is a wonderful way to continue to live. And the devil and his anger be damned.
So as my journey of grief continues on it's twisting and turning path, I am so very grateful that I do not have to travel alone.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7TpMejadLo&feature=related
ANGELS AMONG US
I was walking home from school on a cold winter's dayTook a shortcut through the woods and I lost my wayIt was getting late and I was scared and aloneThen a kind old man took my hand and led me homeMama couldn't see him, but he was standing thereBut I knew in my heart, he was the answer to my prayersOh I believe there are angels among usSent down to us from somewhere up aboveThey come to you and me in our darkest hoursTo show us how to liveTo teach us how to giveTo guide us with a light of loveWhen life dealt troubled times and had me down on my kneesThere's always been someone there to come along and comfort meA kind word from a stranger to lend a helping handA phone call from a friend just to say I understandAin't it kind of funny at the dark end of the roadSomeone lights the way with just a single ray of hopeOh I believe there are angels among usSent down to us from somewhere up aboveThey come to you and me in our darkest hoursTo show us how to liveTo teach us how to giveTo guide us with a light of loveThey wear so many faces Show up in the strangest placesGrace us with thier mercyIn our time of needOh I believe there are angels among usSent down to us from somewhere up aboveThey come to you and me in our darkest hoursTo show us how to liveTo teach us how to giveTo guide us with a light of love
Anger – "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; "Who is to blame?"Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Any individual that symbolizes life or energy is subject to projected resentment and jealousy."
The key words for me are "misplaced", "envy, "resentment", and "jealousy". You see, I've spent the past couple of days feeling a lot of misplaced resentment, envy and jealousy directed towards just about everyone, but particularly my good friends here at Daily Strength. And it's something that I'm not very proud of.
I would get up in the morning and visit with God and all the good stuff that I do each morning, and then I would go to my computer and check in with the discussions here at DS. And then the devil and his anger would assault my psyche and I would say to myself something on the order of, "what in hell are these people talking about? Using an f-ing power drill? Squawking about being asked on a date? Kissed by butterflies?? Good lord, man, I just got screwed by God Himself, and these guys are talking about going to college???"
At least I had the good sense to keep the devil from getting me to respond in the public forum with the venom he was putting in my mouth. The devil and misplaced anger are nasty, nasty things, indeed.
So I would crawl back on my bed and crack open the two books I have been reading: "30 Days Through the Bible", and "30 Days With Jesus". Both books are designed to get you through the highlights of the Bible, and the life of Jesus Christ in 30 days, if you read a chapter a day. I was behind a couple days, and now I'm caught back up.
Of particular interest to me has been the story of Job, who "had it all" in his life and then lost it. "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away", he would say. When his health was taken from him he finally dared to question God, and essentially, God answered him that He owed no one any explanation because they wouldn't understand it anyway. He was God, and God knows what He's doing. Basically, you are either with Him or you are against Him. I think it's called "faith". And the devil has been challenging mine.
So this morning, my anger is diminishing, although some is still there. The devil is a persistant dude. But the anger is being replaced by a certain amount of humility, and humility is a good thing. When I came to my computer, there was a message from one of my DS friends waiting in my message box. It wasn't a message of grief; it wasn't a plea for help. It was a message from a friend to a friend simply asking about what I enjoyed doing with my time. What my hobbies were. He then went on to tell me of himself, and the things he liked to do. The stuff that FRIENDS talk to one another about. And I am humbled.
Another friend had sent me a "cyber-present" late last night. And I think this present came in the form of the message found in my message box from the afore-mentioned friend. I've said before that I believe that DS is "magical" place, and this seems to bear that out for me.
So, to all of my good friends here, please forgive the snarkiness that my anger has wrought. Although I did not express any of it publicly, I did express it in my indifference towards and disdain for the discussions currently being held on the site. Of course learning how to use power tools that used to intimidate you is important. And of course you should be on guard against the jerks that prey upon the widowed. And of course I see the beauty and significance of being blessed by the kiss of a butterfly in the spiritual sense. And returning to college is a wonderful way to continue to live. And the devil and his anger be damned.
So as my journey of grief continues on it's twisting and turning path, I am so very grateful that I do not have to travel alone.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7TpMejadLo&feature=related
ANGELS AMONG US
I was walking home from school on a cold winter's dayTook a shortcut through the woods and I lost my wayIt was getting late and I was scared and aloneThen a kind old man took my hand and led me homeMama couldn't see him, but he was standing thereBut I knew in my heart, he was the answer to my prayersOh I believe there are angels among usSent down to us from somewhere up aboveThey come to you and me in our darkest hoursTo show us how to liveTo teach us how to giveTo guide us with a light of loveWhen life dealt troubled times and had me down on my kneesThere's always been someone there to come along and comfort meA kind word from a stranger to lend a helping handA phone call from a friend just to say I understandAin't it kind of funny at the dark end of the roadSomeone lights the way with just a single ray of hopeOh I believe there are angels among usSent down to us from somewhere up aboveThey come to you and me in our darkest hoursTo show us how to liveTo teach us how to giveTo guide us with a light of loveThey wear so many faces Show up in the strangest placesGrace us with thier mercyIn our time of needOh I believe there are angels among usSent down to us from somewhere up aboveThey come to you and me in our darkest hoursTo show us how to liveTo teach us how to giveTo guide us with a light of love
Replies
Joe, there is nothing to forgive. I think we all go through a lot of stages and emotions and anger is one of them. That\'s what makes DS such a wonderful place - we realize what we are going through is normal and others understand because they are or have been there. Angels Among Us is one of my favorite songs and that you for reminding me of it. It is so true. I have found many angels here, family, friends, and a lot of total strangers out there. You are in my thoughts and prayers for peace and comfort my friend. Take care, Sandra
hi Joe ~ you were wise to withhold from commenting on discussions while angry...and you were exercising that most elusive of the spiritual gifts from the list in Galatians 5:22--self-control. To feel anger is normal, it is how we react when we are angry that becomes the issue...and you, in your anger, were able to keep your temper and \"sin not\"...I commend you, dear friend...for allowing your emotions to be \"controlled\" by He that is in you, rather than he that is in the world. \"Greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world.\" 1 John 4:4
Blessings & Hugs ~E~
You\'ve been through another trauma, Joe.
In any trauma, even physically, there comes a time that the numbness wears off and the pain starts.
This is the natural order of healing, but we respond to the pain because it\'s the denigrating, humiliating part of any injury.
It\'s where we need the most compassion from outside of ourselves.
The underpinnings of our denigration is anger.
You\'ve been doubly denigrated...by the loss...and now the anger. It is here you need the double-blessing...but, it, like anything else...is going to elude you if you don\'t surrender to care.
Does God care? Yes! Do People care? Many do, but others who are in pain also cannot deliver to you the care you need.
So, from that, you\'ve got to reach out. You need a greif support group...no just us on DS. You need a deep cup of coffee, in a quiet Denny\'s restaurant, with a friend...to help you through this.
This can and will be your double blessing...if you\'ll let it be.
Reach out to someone...
Dear Joe,
Not only have you lost your wife but you have had to forfeit all you had worked for and all that was familiar to you. Anger and resentment is quite understandable. But you know that in your closer walk with God, the devil is the jealous envious one and would play with your mind and emotions to deceive you and have you pull away from God in blame of Him for all of your losses. As you read the postings, the devil is interjecting the negative stirring up your cynical side trying even to have you lose interest in seeking comfort from this site thus plunging you deeper into the pit. Cling to God and your faith, He will see you through this.
Often when we are in our low and we read things posted by others, we can\'t help but think how trivial they are in comparison to what is going on in our mind. We don\'t always find that inspiration we may need for that day. That is when journaling really plays it\'s part in helping us purge these feelings and not have to carry them around in our already heavy hearts.
You are a wise man, you analyze things out and act accordingly showing strength and control. I wish for you a better day, a hug and a smile...
Linda
Joe ~ You continue to amaze me daily. You bear your soul to us and that is something that many of us are afraid to do. Your relationship with God is growing closer. Hang in there my friend. May you have a blessed day!
BIG HUGS, Carla
Joe,
Please don\'t forget that we are all in this together and need each others support. You have been an a big insperation to many.
Take good care of yourself.
Dan
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Joe,
You don\'t know what an ispiration to me your posts are. I think you are a realist and deal with and look at everything that comes your way even with the losses you have endured. Anger is part of this process and I too have anger and it is not always directed correctly. No apologies are need from you. Here is some materal I am receiving about this grief process as it relates to our anger stages. It is from Grief Share daily e-mails.
Hope this helps,Peace,
Dave
Dealing with your anger in a positive way may sound good, but how exactly is it done? One suggestion is to let your anger surface and then redirect it toward mourning. Consider your anger solely in the context of your loss. You may be putting all your energy into your anger to avoid a torrent of tears; this, in turn, has kept you from grieving.
It\'s okay to grieve. There are those who do not grieve, and later on it begins to catch up with them. So you go through that process as long as you understand that it is a process of transition and healing.
Expressing tears is part of the grieving process; it is part of the healing. Use your anger to help you move forward toward healing, and keep in mind that your anger and tears won\'t last forever.
Let your mourning lead you toward hope. No matter where you are in grief, you can always have hope.
\"Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope\" (1 Thessalonians 4:13).
Lord, let my anger turn to grieving and let my grieving lead to hope. Amen.
When Craig was first diagnosed, we were both screaming, \"WHY? WHY?\" Very soon, he said he couldn\'t ask that any more, because he\'d learned from his reading that asking \"why me?\" is equivalent to wishing it on somebody else instead. So he stopped - until the last few weeks, when he couldn\'t help it and kept bursting out with, \"WHY ME?\" (I don\'t see why it has to be anybody else if it isn\'t you, but he was very careful about those things.)
Now I find myself in the car now and then and screaming at the big sky ahead of me, \"WHY?\" It\'s so arbitrary, doesn\'t make sense, seems dead wrong. We were so ripped off, thinking we had 10-15 more years to be together and only getting about 3.
You\'re right - everything pales besides these big, elemental thoughts - nothing else matters much. But I suspect that part of rebuilding our lives in a new direction includes trying hard to focus on what does seem inconsequential - the way things ran before we lost them, just the mundane trivia of daily life.
So I understand your angry and impatience very well - hard to tolerate small stuff sometimes - but also think it\'s a sign of health in people who are trying to surround themselves with these small, meaningless things again and not be dealing nonstop with cosmic issues.
I applaud your spiritual journey, by the way (NOT as a \"by the way\", just as a change of subject here) - I\'ve been reading your posts and journal entries and been quite impressed lately.
Don\'t forget that you\'ve given up more than many of us here, losing your wife and then your home. Not so easy to get grounded from a start like that.
Hugs, Gail
I understand totally. I am still angry 2 n half years on. I still go visit the grave and look skyward and plead \'why\' \'why\' \'why\' \'why did you take him\' \'why did you end our future together\' I have not had an answer yet and I suppose I will keep on asking why cos its like I\'m being ignored. If he was ill, or in an accident, or anything I would find it easier to accept (maybe?)
who would not be angry to have all the beloved, meaningful hard earned elements of a life taken? i cannot imagine anyone.
That said I have struggled with anger, often related to fear and loss and have tried to learn not to let it be destructive. not easy.......
but worth doing....
When we are struggling with the elemental things, the small everyday pieces of life can seem both enviable and petty....
When I think of the hard work of the grief process and how hard it is, I remember a phrase from the Wal-Mart baby movie... \" I\'ve learned to let go of what\'s gone\"
This is what I struggle with.....